You Can't Fix What You Can't Face

What is the story that you tell yourself?
What is the story that I repeat to myself?

We hear the mantra of "forgive and forget" yet the practical process of how to do this is lost upon us.  I like knowing the steps in a process.

Re-claim
Re-define
Re-create

Each day of my reclaimed life is redefining me as I recreate a story that I can be proud of, a hErstory versus a hIstory.

I want to fully see ME and learn to completely accept the quirkiness of who I am.  Maybe I don't need any fixing...maybe I just self-acceptance!

Hidden Selves

Why is the truth of ourselves hidden so well within us?

I reached out to someone who uses arrogance as armor and they did NOT like me tapping on their shield.  Rather than ruminate with sadness over their lack of control, I will summon as much compassion as I can for their psyche as the journey they face is a losing one.

No one wants to hear that they are part and parcel of a losing cause.  It's certainly not an American ideal that we embrace.  We like to be loud and celebrate winning causes.  And because those causes make us feel better about ourselves, we are blind to the nature of them...blind to the fact that they may not be good for us.
In politics, the good of the people should be foremost in our hearts.  Yet our egos super cede that need and we embrace approaches that instead feed our own personal need for validation.  The science of statistics is the great power and as much as we want numbers to change their value, they remain steadfast.  Yes, when the odds are very close, there is room for tweaking the outcome.  When the odds are utterly disparate, a nontraditional approach to closing the gap is necessary yet today's politics leave little room for tweaking.

I once believed that men were superior in dealing with statistics as they were more adept at putting aside their emotions.  What I am finding is that they cannot put aside their hubris and therefore, they skew the outcome.  Ah, arrogance....Multi-sensory perception is being explored once again by the masses and is led by women who have proven far superior at reading emotions through body language and facial expressions.  The intrinsically poor are more adept at judging the outcomes of interpersonal relationships.  Why?  Theory is that the poor have depended on personal relationships for actual survival...they have honed their intuitive skills at reading others.  And so it may be women coming from poor backgrounds who will lead a true revival of democracy.

As I have been on both sides of the socioeconomic fence, I am struck now with how little progress our society is making to mesh the classes.  Could it be that we are content to cycle into an era of haves and have nots?  Is it becoming a badge of honor to be in either class and pride ourselves for hating the other?  We have entered the era of public shaming.  It's embraced in our social media, our workplaces, our daily lives.  Our celebrities, our politicians, our heroes must either be perfect or we will shame them into acknowledging their personal demons.  And if not done satisfactorily, punishment is quick and severe; the spanking is public spectacle.  What was once our private hell becomes fodder for a wider world of condemnation.

The greatest leaders are born within the groups that they must lead.  They share the experiences and they connect to the other side in ways that are nonverbal and completely intuitive.  Stepping forward to lead the poor and uneducated yet never having been subject to its daily grind might produce sincere thanks but it will not inspire a successful movement.  Instead, it might inspire public slaps from both sides of the fence no matter the intent.

Character

I stood in a very long Disney line two days ago and it wasn't at the theme park.  Instead, I was there upon request of my agent to be cast for still photos etc. for their website and print.  What I observed has me thinking of how we process our own attractiveness.

What should have taken 30 minutes instead took 5 hours plus and the bulk of that was spent standing in a line outside being exposed to sun and humidity.  As I became close acquaintances with 4 models around me, I'm left to wonder at our own tenacity.  Somehow, we rationalized our situation and refused to give up on the process.  Is that simply another human characteristic or an American quirk?

Our discussions ranged from the need of employment for the younger set to the possibilities for two of us in the older set.  Disney wanted to cast a variety of individuals for all ages of "family" with an emphasis on cute kids and attractive older people.  Apparently, the older models were driven away by the wait and the conditions with the exception of the beautiful 73 year old who was part of our "line crew."

We were duly impressed with how congenial the participants were...showing off their Disneyesque personalities even under miserable conditions.  Arguments did not flair up, line hopping wasn't an issue, even the children who had every right to be upset were behaving or simply taken home once the parents realized that the wait was going to take HOURS!!

Did all of us have such a strong belief in our own attractiveness?  I think in large part...we did!  Ouch.  My new friends and I discussed this and agreed  it's an industry based in narcissism.  Why can't we represent for our age group as well or better than someone else?  And that level of confidence in our own attractiveness kept us waiting.  One doesn't become a model without having been told that we are special.  Double ouch.

I see WAY MORE beautiful women than I on a daily basis.  They aren't modeling or waiting in long lines for a 2 minute photo session....  But facing attractiveness and understanding what it is without apologizing is a continual struggle for me.  There is a market for everything and my currency is mid life beauty.  It isn't a curse or a blessing, it's just another part of my character.  What it can do though is alter whether or not I feel I am "acting" as a character in my own life or fulfilling my life based upon good character.

If

My second year of freedom from marriage is apt to be FILLED with life.  As I stated to a friend, I have a lot of pent up living to do.

Slowly, v-e-r-y slowly, I am coming to believe that it is not self indulgent to have a life of my own.  Have I simply imposed slavery upon myself for the last quarter century?  Perhaps it was unconscious, but the answer is still YES; I chose to live my life with someone else in charge of it.

The hiking trip to Scotland convinced me to forgive myself.  Maybe the pain I endured for those five days was the penance I was seeking to give.  Regardless, all of the time spent doing nothing but putting one foot in front of the other was enough therapy to put me over the edge of grace.  I have forgiven young Lisa.  I have embraced the vulnerable and imperfect woman that I've become.  Imperfect grace:  wabi-sabi

If I continue with my self reflection and deep commitment to living a life based upon personal joy, then I'm sure that my musings of "if" will end.  

I have never been an admirer of the ME Generation, yet here I am being concerned first and foremost with myself.  It may take me another 25 years to figure out if I like living life for myself.  :-)

Drivel

Reading my last post of self-pitying drivel is humbling.

Oh great strong lady, where were you??  :-)

Fortunately, I was being strong enough to be vulnerable.  Ugh.  Weakness has felt shameful to me for a long time and I'm facing it squarely now.  Is it the American culture of shaming that influences me, my upbringing, my unique psyche, or the fact that I'm a pseudo perfectionist woman who hates to let her guard down?  All of the above, no doubt.  Ugh.

First step accomplished...admit/submit to the feeling of weakness.  YES.  FINE.  I get lonely.  Ugh.
Second step...take steps to alleviate the problem.  YES.  FINE.  I have opened my life to online dating.
Third step...invest in my own evolution.  YES.  PERFECT.  I'm at my happiest trying to fix a problem.

Facing the mirror and accepting that I must show my weaknesses in order to overcome them may be my greatest lifetime test.  Exploring vulnerable Lisa was NOT on my bucket list, my "to do" list, or my wish list.  It is on my "must" list.

Embarrassment, humiliation, shame, admission and all for the sin of weakness.  It's too much angst for a normal emotion and I'm finally understanding the part I play...I can ease up on the tough lady act and be the lonely lady.  And that's okay.  Whew...although that little tomboy with a competitive streak in me wants to...NOOOOO!!  ;-)  :-))))))))))))))

Pretend

The weariness of pretending is taking its toll.  My resilient nature doesn't let my smile droop often publicly.  I know that feedback from others is a direct reflection of oneself and my silent mantra of "fake it til you make it" keeps the questions from being asked.

It's also exhausting.  That inner glow of mine sucks away energy from my daily brain battles.  Damned neurons.  All the effort I put into forcing my happy outlook...well, it becomes burdensome.  I am doing the work, putting in the hours of self reflection, meditation, intense study of how I might slide off my chosen path of happiness to obscurity...all the work is getting done.

But the lack of someone to help me rest and subsequently help me forgive myself for those imperfections that only I notice....

I miss him (whoever he is) and I so need to just give in to the exhaustion, let someone else hold the weight, let someone else lead for a while.  

Until that lightning strikes, pretending gets me through this phase of utter loneliness.  Rather than scorn the art of pretense, I hail it as my saving grace.  For now, my brain allows itself to be tricked and I live on with great resilience.  Utter deep sigh.

A Little Lie

Accepting my child's apology for lying is simple.  Convincing him to forgive himself, right his ship, and believe in his skills to sail forward...damned confusing!

I can barely understand adult men so it's doubly frustrating to understand one growing into manhood.  His easy going demeanor, likability, and poised readiness tend to mimic me, BUT his stubbornness at facing his demons and subsequent difficulty in dealing with the consequences mimic his father.

Being a quasi genius must be absolute hell.  All teenagers think they are such, therefore, creating that hell and exposing their parents to the collateral damage!

When I encounter grown men with these issues, it is easy to wave goodbye.  They're not even hard to spot!  Drama is as much a man's game as it is a woman's and these assumptive intellectual saviors can't shut up about their prowess in their chosen fields...or their conquests of the opposite sex.

I believe that a young man can be shifted to another lane before habit takes over and pretentiousness takes root.  The frustration is borne of NOT KNOWING if the lessons are sticking before it's too late to make a difference.

Twice today I was approached by men half my age and it wasn't to be a mother figure.  Half my age!  Were my own son to fall victim to this lazy man's way of securing money and sex...????  Aaarrrgggghhhh...then I would question my parenting abilities.  Now I just question my parenting patience!

As for the young men, they have the ego of the elderly men...I don't entertain their ludicrous ideas either but the entertainment value is good!  :-)

Dodging Darkness

One of my greatest failings is finding that TINY nugget of goodness buried deep in a mountain of BAD!

Yes, it's a failing because I tend to focus on that nugget rather than the gut feeling of "Run, this is not a good thing!"

I'm ready to accept this weakness and begin the process of making it a strength.  I sooooooooo want to believe in the inherent goodness of people that I truly don't want to be open to their ugliness.  The longer I venture into the world, I'm convinced that some kind of protective bubble encases me!  Otherwise, I would surely get into more scrapes because some of my choices deserve a great big raw and bloody wipe out!

But I'm learning.  And tonight I closed the door to a dark man before he could get more than a boot tip across the threshold of my too soft countenance.  

The wolves will never tame themselves and they will always go back to their own...just as the dark men will don their sheep's clothing and when we're not looking...they will strike for their own reward.

Darkness has been dodged again.  And I'm learning without too much collateral damage.

A Lull When it Happens

I'm not sure if the change coming in my life will be stormy or sunny, but I can feel it building.  Interestingly enough, I recognize the quiet before the shift occurs.  It's a lull when it happens, a pause of energy as if a great breath is being taken for strength.

That palpable feeling of transition leaves me feeling anxious.  Part of me understands that if I quietly contemplate the changes to come then I will know exactly how to direct them.  But life is about the element of surprise.  Were I to unmask the face of it then the sorrow or joy of finding out early might be my undoing.

Intuitive analysts are eager to gather in think tanks, addressing the probabilities of what may occur in various situations.  Now that my family unit is apart, I no longer have a tank of thinkers.  I'm on my own but have been reminded by a few people lately that loneliness is just a choice, not a forgone conclusion.  Of course I have chosen loneliness for now!  How else could I lick my wounds satisfactorily?  Healing must start from within and it's my own scabs that I choose to pick or not.  

Parting the curtains, lifting the veil, revealing the center of the cool heat that is me may be the daunting task I have to face.  Yet, it's a lull when it happens...a breath of discovery than cannot be taken away...and sadly, a gift given isn't necessarily a gift wanted....

One is never too old to yearn.---An Italian Proverb

Confronting Matter Not Right

I admire souls confronting their darkness

Screaming at shadows playing by light

Fingers extended to offer forgiveness

Fists then angrily curling up tight

I admire souls confronting their lightness

Laughing at memories slipping awry

Thoughts left open in gaping awareness

Hiding in crevices of matter not right

I admire souls confronting their darkness

Crying for memories now left behind

Gray matter dissolving and tears

Are drowning the person I was 

Now matter not right

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It is a daily challenge for me to face the transition that my brain undergoes.  When I first learned that my gray matter was "not right" as the doctor put it, I raged.  I was vain.  My delight in how I could extract my thoughts and then use brilliant words to express them...well, I exalted in my gift.

I don't drop to my knees now and give thanks for what I have left.  I'm not like that.  Instead, I keep an inner rage continuing so that my brain catches fire in another way...it's an odd feeling to be a stranger inside myself.  The discovery of what I can do is a daily adventure, not of my choosing, but I'm determined that those new pathways will reveal more brilliance.  

Some like to share their light...some like to flaunt their darkness...I will be happy to embrace my fire for my gray matter that is "not right."

I'm just me...

How wise a statement from a good friend....

"I'm just me and that makes people do things."

This simple observation and powerful truth dig at our gut level responses to certain individuals.

Politicians are elected because of style over substance.

Access is granted to the genetically endowed beautiful people.

Favor is given to the intellectual magpies.

Discussion then
Analysis then
Conclusion equal the reality that narcissism exists within us to the point of denial that our "being" is another's undoing...or another's grace.

Breathe me

Soothe me
Wash me
Warm me
Envelop me
Cool me
Breathe me
Soothe me

Be me

A Year In....

I love my naughty moments...they give me a chance to forgive myself and since that's been a rare thing in my life, being naughty is really being good to myself...??!!  :-)

That's the story I'm sticking to for now.  

My time as a blogger on the "divorce issue" is winding down.  I'm a year in and a lot of other topics are taking precedence in my life.  It will undoubtedly come up often but focusing on it is no longer a priority.  I am not contemplating a new life; I am living a new life.  And I am in the midst of discovering parts of my personality that have long been buried.

1)  Full on Barbie...I can either fight her or embrace her with a wink.  Or maybe a wink and a pinch?  As my modeling agent counsels, why not just be the perceived "girl next door?"  I come across that way, I'm comfortable with it, and it's not as easy as it looks...I am called upon to SMILE at completely stupid stuff.  I guess that's talent? ;-)

2)  Philosopher...EXCUSE ME!  I counsel my children to explore the boundaries of thought and defy the conventions of their generation.  True, I do so in a motherly fashion...I want them to do it safely and with consideration for others.  I don't want them to argue with an armed idiot nor do I want them to get jailed by a dense cop.  I want them to question the obvious and explore the alternatives.  And I have to step up and be more of a role model for them...and share these intriguing thoughts of mine....

3)  Goddess...the entire concept of sensuality has been my inner battle.  And with a great exhale, I release her, my inner goddess who offers far more conflict for some of my suitors than for me.  I will just luxuriate in the business of romance because it comes without effort and those gentleman who can't handle who I am now...they can just go handle a little less goddess.  tsk tsk tsk

4)  Adventurer...bring it on!

     

Swoosh II

Born too late for an era long past....

There's something to be said for simpler times.  I'm struggling to embrace advice for the "modern woman" and struggling to feel comfortable being a "modern" dater...but I'm finding the transition to be painful.

As a technicality, my ex did not hold me back from trying new things per se...it was the consistent picking apart of my efforts that I allowed to hold me back.  Had I been more of  "modern miss" who could stand her ground and NOT make peace, I might have had more adventures in my early life.

I just couldn't get past the sniping and that's my fault.  I did say "yes" to a mate who had already proven himself to be the expert on a multitude of topics.  And being somewhat of a perfectionist, I allowed my fears to combine with his criticism and thwart my inner adventurer.

Today I worked with him briefly to move my son from the dormitory.  What a relief that I didn't have to accompany them back to that house.  I'm happy that my son is content to do so and that I left the household intact...but oh what JOY filled me as I drove away from that place!

What I am moving toward though is still unclear.  I don't feel that BURNING desire to excel in a career.  I don't have the competitive spirit to be "the best" at any particular thing.  My skill set lies in the development of deeply felt relationships but that's probably because I was isolated.  Whether through my fault or his, it remains the case...all of the bonding and severing that I did within my marriage as we moved across the country has taken its toll.  The one constant was the main relationship, the marriage, but as it failed so did my career as chief of our team.

Where do old coaches go to die?  They don't.  But how do they pivot and follow the direction of their new compass?  How do they absorb all of the well given advice when what they really want to do is be back in a familiar place...not the old homestead but beside someone who helps them chart a path together.

It is said that danger is real but fear is an illusion.  I am marching forward to keep the fear at bay by moving...just moving.  I suppose the Scouts would say "Stay put and we'll find you," but after doing that for two plus decades, I've lost my confidence in that particular value.

As I struggle to embrace the advice of "date multiple men so that you can choose correctly," I yearn for some long ago era when it was simpler...and probably untrue.  Being with one leaves me feeling safe...being with many is stressful enough that I may just start closing the lid again.  Perhaps isolation for some isn't as bad as I think.  But it was bad enough at one time that I fled the gilded cage....

Maybe some know why the caged bird sings...I know why the bird with two broken wings still struggles to move.  Lying in the dirt exposed to the elements, exposed to the passing dangers is NOT safe and moving until the last bit of strength is in me is the only choice.  The swoosh of life keeps growing louder.

A River Runs Through It

"... life is water. It runs, slips, evaporates, changes course . . .”  George Estreich


For some, the process of blogging or journaling is therapeutic.  Recent studies show on the contrary that revisiting our entries can set back our progress.  The common wisdom of keeping a diary is making way for the new idea of writing it down then tearing it up.

I now understand why writing a memoir is so painful.  Once it's put to print, the thought of going through an editing process to get it "right" seems downright sadistic.  

These last few weeks without writing have given me space to grieve.  My subconscious acknowledgement of the anniversary time frame I've entered preys upon my psyche regardless of my wishes.

Last year at this time I was in a state of euphoria.  Pride filled me as I took charge of my own destiny.  Fear took a back seat to action and I barreled my way through to a new life.  It was enlightening.  

And it continues to be a rebirth of sorts and also the rearing of old fears.  At one time, my greatest fear was that I would die the loneliest woman ever while married.  I now know that multitudes of women have/had that fear as well.  It seemed so wasteful to carry on a dead relationship when all I wanted was to be touched at a deeper level...to be understood and cherished and made to feel safe.  My ex may never evolve to that kind of person OR he may be exactly the kind of man that another woman is looking for and fulfills her in ways that he could never do with me.

And so I write again to explore my progress.  I have to depend on myself to find that deeper level for evolution.  I have to make myself feel cherished, respected, and wanted.  Most of all, I have to release the idea that a man will come forward to help me with these things.

No one could have explained to me that divorce is really about facing our fear of solitude.  Once we are completely alone, the reflection in the mirror can be haunting.  Solitude equals truth and as I'm meeting its test, I'm facing the fact that being alone may be my lot in life.  

Alone in a marriage or simply alone in life.  Let the internal debate begin.

"We don't pick "closed off" men because we can be close, we pick closed off men because we're AFRAID to be close. We're happy to work hard to try to break him down - because inside we KNOW it can't be done." Rori Raye

How hard it is to admit being SPOILED.

Intimacy of my emotional nature is the next hurdle.

It may take me a while to work up the strength....

Flash

Over exposed.  Saturation.  In a flash, it all becomes too much for us.

We ladies who walk alone in mid life often talk about the crushing feelings of loneliness, but can it not also be said that attention can crush us as well?  Or maybe it says more about me....

I worked at two different times in my life with groups of women and found them to be utterly exhausting as they huddled together to solve a myriad of self-proclaimed problems.  Unlike the brothers I grew up with, these ladies TALKED and fretted and thoroughly immersed themselves in the minutiae of a perceived problem.  Maddening.

My former life was filled with alone time during the day and lacked spousal attention even when he was in the house.  Long days, busy schedules, gaps of time spent apart...perhaps it acclimated me to a lonely life of my choosing.  And now that I'm in this very single life, I catch myself opting for alone time over couple time.

The entire atmosphere of dating leaves me feeling muddled.  Reading about attachment styles, gender based differences, effects of my childhood on my mate choice is enough to make me want to simply throw down the books and continue on unattached.

(a night of sleep)

And so I wake up this morning because my computer was "overcome" with a weakened battery...just as I was last night....

Reflection.  Introspection.  And smiles because I'm learning, I'm being taught that a simple rest from heavy thoughts can cure my over exposure....

It  would be nice to share my pondering with someone right now and have a warm sounding board rather than this keyboard!  :-)

What Women Want

It's time to make peace with my inner girl.  I forgive her for the ignorance she displayed as a 23 year old when she was unable to distinguish between chemistry and intimacy.

Looking at the photos of my young self getting married shock me.  I knew so little of the world and even less about the requirements of a mature relationship.

As a single woman now, I don't want to "make up for the mistake" of my earlier marriage.  I've learned.  I've struggled.  I've gained insight.  Perhaps I've even given birth to myself by taking on this opportunity to start anew!

It's very important now that I study the differences between a chemical attraction and the more satisfying intimate relationship.  From what I'm learning, our bodies are biologically fixed to react in a positive fashion for the sake of baby making.  Now that those days are over, I have to make a conscious effort to avert a chemical "stink" bomb!  When I feel the addictive pull toward a man for no reason other than physical...I'm stopping myself.  I'm paying attention to what is really happening between us.

Silly dating articles are full of the "romance" of chemical attraction but I'm hoping my brain gets turned on too.  In fact, I am so distrustful of the body's response that I am purposely going out with a man on a second date BECAUSE I didn't feel a strong physical response.  He was smart, funny, relatively attractive...so why didn't I feel that spark?  For me, it is worth the time to find out.

In answer to the query of "what women want," perhaps we should redirect and think about "What does a woman's body want that isn't important to a woman's brain?"

Physical, mental, and emotional health quotient...it's not just for children anymore....

Asteroid Hit

What is divorce actually like?  I wasn't quite sure how to answer the young woman asking me but I borrowed a few lines from a cancer patient I'd heard on TV.  And true, divorce doesn't mean death as cancer might, but it is dealing with an ongoing and stressful dilemma with results unknown for quite a while.

Divorce is like getting hit by a bus.  Then after rising, getting hit by a train.  And after rising one more time and walking away, the asteroid hits.

Sounds final but the finality is actually a relief for the divorce.  Its different stages of acceptance, grief, and resolution seem to repeat themselves over and over until one day, the hit is so hard and so catastrophic that the only option is to then just get up and be happy for that being enough.

Where else is there to go after the final asteroid hit?  Maybe it's seeing the ex get remarried, go through a life trauma, or even pass away...but a point does come that the hits will no longer hurt and the falls no longer happen because of divorce but just because life makes us fall down and rise again.

Glancing over my shoulder, I'm shocked by the pot-holed road behind me.  It didn't seem quite that treacherous but it's there and I know I traveled it.  I honestly don't know how I navigated all of my falls but here I am intact.  Hearing a good friend of mine consider taking the same path gives me pause.  I know that it's survivable, painful, and I am CERTAIN that I would not choose another path...but it is difficult and not for the faint of spirit.  I spent an entire year just getting ready for the journey itself....

My path has turned to the open plains now.  It's vast and intimidating without many areas for cover.  I know how many pioneers have come before me and I know the path will be littered with their mistakes, but there is no going back.  And going forth alone is particularly scary.  What I remind myself is that it's NOT as scary as  the life I was in...being an invisible person in a marriage made for two but occupied by only one.

All this deep seeded philosophical thinking just leads me to the next step...I have to keep opening myself up to new experiences and those shall involve new men.  Is there a more naked feeling?  I will gladly pose half naked for a photographer but baring the soft underbelly of my vulnerabilities...my own spirit...now that is the kind of naked that still makes me shy!

Swoosh

I hate medical dramas and yet, I have just dodged another one!

The mind and body work as one so regardless of the fact that I have stood steadfast and strong considering my latest dilemma, I have been angry at my body for letting me down again.  That anger translated into tension and feeling tension is NOT what I want to do much in my new life.

My old adage of "fake it til you make it" only worked so far and then I called upon my friends and family to assist my psyche.  It worked.  They helped me feel TRULY better about myself and the outcome of my drama.  Seeing this circle in action has emboldened me to also look closer at how I'm conducting my dating life.

As my new girlfriend and I have discussed (we formed a divorce recovery group of 2 ), we have always considered ourselves one man at a time women.  This may have worked for us in our youth, but our current experience is showing us that it is not feasible any longer.  The advice mongers have told this over and over but we've been stubborn in our attitude.  I found this short piece which seemed to condense all their advice in one concise manner:

First, Alicia - please learn to date several men at the same time. Being serially monogamous (one man at a time) is great when we're young and learning how to be in a relationship. But when dating one man at a time results in a pattern of heartbreak, the learning isn't happening.

So, dating many men at the same time gives you a way to actually see what's going on with you. Also, when you're not tied and bonded to one man it's impossible to pressure him. You automatically create some distance between you that's real and has to do with the fun and fulfilling kind of life you have outside of your relationship.

This is authentic - and very different from the kind of avoiding and running away and pretending and yet hoping that Alicia is doing in this letter. Instead of making your life more difficult, it makes it simpler.

Wow.  I'm a dating rookie but not necessarily a relationship rookie.  I fought the "good fight" and did my best to hold together a married relationship for 23 years.  The lessons I learned from that, good and bad, will serve me well in the future.  But, I have NEVER been a successful dater.  Even in college, my pursuers were more interested in making me a girlfriend rather than a fleeting moment.  

I'm not positive if it's a moral shift or an emotional shift I will be making.  By seeing more than one fellow at a time, I automatically lose the emotional component...I certainly won't allow myself to get too close to one person BUT supposedly, I will discover the "kind" of gentleman I wish to be with long term.  Compare and contrast as it comes to men is an alien concept for me.  

SWOOSH...dodging dilemmas is becoming easier.

The Wanting

I keep reading the below article.  Please take a moment and read it for yourself.

Why Women Leave Men

Communication.  Communication.  Communication.

Saved

How can one label a life saving event as anything less than miraculous?  A divorce has saved my life...literally.

Yes, it sounds like such a cliche, the old "things happen for a reason," but following that line of reasoning makes it easier to look at the path I've traveled and make sense of its twists and turns.

When I was married and buried in unhappiness, neck deep with head in sand, I ignored a swirling mass of warning signs.  There was so much more to worry about than my own health or safety.  I concentrated on my children's happiness, on my friends' contentment, on helping build my husband's career by providing the foundation of home and hearth.  I played "arm candy" well but my main position was to provide an oasis of calm for his hectic life.  The beautiful home, the content children, the charming hostess...I did it with pride and also enjoyment for a while....

And then as I became a fixture, not a partner, my well of happiness became dry and the busy spouse didn't step forward to refill in a time of drought.  So much time had passed, so much was taken for granted including my own health....

If I had chosen to stay on that darkening path, I would NOT have had a reason to see a physician.  I would have believed myself to be safe in a "monogamous" relationship and free of worries about dangerous viruses. But it turned out I wasn't safe and not knowing the level of danger, I would have ignored my body's warning signs.

The divorce not only lifted me free of emotional and mental constraints, it has now lifted me out of a potentially deadly diagnosis of cervical cancer.  I avoided this scrooge because I became a single woman.  It certainly wasn't something I would have checked before even though my aunt died of this cancer and my first cousins have fought it.  I didn't know I was vulnerable genetically but I should have...I should have NOT counted on being safe just because I was married but I'm on the path to be saved.

The divorce started a chain reaction that has led me to the point of having a life saving surgery.  It will be a simple surgery, an in office procedure with a relatively short recovery time and it's perfect timing.  A delay of even a few months might have set me on the darkest path of all.  But, I will live and cherish this new life I've embarked upon and my ever widening new circle of friends.

Divorce has saved my life.  Now THAT is a silver lining!!  :-)

How Much More

Platitudes.  We are only given what we can handle.  Trials and tribulations are given to those who can withstand them.  Character is built upon failure, not success.  To receive much, one must give much.

How much more can a person handle when it comes to stress?  As my daughter so eloquently stated, "This year has been worse than a soap opera."  She's right.

Separation..................................................Freedom from a toxic relationship  
Moving Out................................................No longer an upaid maid
Eldest Child's HS Graduation......................Successful launching of a kid rocket
Divorce......................................................Legally all on my own
Child goes to college..................................Pride for my son's success
Empty Nest...............................................Time to focus on me
Puzzling Men Issues...................................Meeting wonderful people
Parent becomes diabetic............................A reminder that good health can pay off
Holidays as a single parent.........................So many friends rallying for my support
New vocation............................................Reaquainted with my talents
Cancer w/ a side of MS.............................Knowing that I have it so much better than others
Loss of a pet.............................................A gift of some time with a special creature

Turning all those stresses on the left to positive mindfulness on the right has not been easy.  In fact, it will continue to be a challenge but the payoff is the ability to push through obstacles.

As they say, the first one through the wall is bloodied.  I guess I'm no longer scared of walls.

How much more can I take?  More and more and more if it means that what I find on the other side is bright and positive.

Half of a Whole

Dealing with anger when it comes to the ex is far harder than I expected.  Expressing it doesn't make me feel better because that just means I am FEELING it and I don't want to.  I prefer numbness when it comes to the ex.  So much time was wasted processing those painful experiences...I hate facing any more drama.

I try to convince myself that ours is a non-acrimonious parting of the ways and then...something rears its painful head and the angst is tossed right back in our faces.  In the strangest fashion, my body reacts just as it always did when we argued.  The tension and stress transport me quickly and I'm surprised by my visceral reaction.  I wonder how much time must pass before this leaves us...he certainly reacts the same way.

Being half of what was once whole and listening to the "experts" preach that we are all whole unto ourselves is a bunch of crap.  Mother Nature didn't provide the hormones and subsequent emotions to make us feel whole once we parted...especially for two people who have essentially been together their entire adult lives!  Statistics show that men are so profoundly affected by this that they often jump back into a serious relationship to avoid coping with the wound.  Women, who most often say they were lonely in the marriage anyway, have a bit more practice on the emotional front but we get there...our need to move in tandem with another moves us forward.  Unfortunately, moving forward into a swamp of poor choices and emotional upheaval without doing the hard work on our psyches is a quick way to be back at the starting line.

Perhaps the lesson learned with this latest argumentative session with the ex is that both of us are trying to traverse the swamp in our own ways.  Those ways that rub so raw against each other are why we are on different paths.  We are crossing the great divide with the same goal...inner peace and a "piece" of happiness but no longer shared.  It's still difficult when those paths converge at times.

Kid Help?

Turnabout is fair play.  I had NOT expected to be tutored by my children when it comes to my dating life.  What interest would they have?  They've only met a couple of men and that was accidental, fleeting and completely NOT inappropriate.

So why would they be interested in how I conduct myself?  Upon receiving this question, they had no definitive answer other than, "We don't want you to be lonely."

I couldn't help but chuckle.  I don't remember them being worried about my loneliness when I was knee deep in domestic duties for them and their father.  Therein lies the problem with the "stay at home mother" status...my kids only saw me serving them.  Yes, I was the gung ho volunteer who did the ferrying about of teams, etc.  Often, it was me hosting the parties and fund raisers and the multitude of activities that make a kid's life run smoothly.  But what did they see me doing that was just for me and not for the good of the household?

When I went back to school for Interior Decor, they were both young and self-absorbed enough to not pay attention to that.  Also, I did not slack up on any of their needs so it was probably a non-event for them.  As teenagers in Florida, they have again seen me wholly devoted to making the household and family unit run as smoothly as possible with the exception of the last 7 months.  With one child in college and the other busy and independent, they must wonder what Mom does with herself all day....

They have become curious about who Mama should be seeing and how often and of course, are open to giving me unsolicited advice.  Whereas my adult friends urge me to "date around" and taste all the flowers, my daughter especially wants me to find that special "one."  Hmmm, and why would just one suffice, I ask her?

"Mom, really...could you handle dating more than one guy at a time?"

Good point knowing my attention span but after being with "one" for a quarter century, isn't it time for me to branch out like the other ladies?

"That's called a HO, Mom!"

Ahh, welcome to teenage world.  Pick one and go "steady" for a while....  My daughter knows me well (I'm perplexed they still use the word steady) and she's right, I have to focus on someone to figure out how they will play in my life.  That's the case with all the new friends I'm making too.

My son is more quiet on this issue but certainly concerned about me.  His comments lead me to believe that there isn't a man prepared for me out there.  I have yet to figure out if that is a compliment or an insult....

Regardless, it is heartening to feel their concern.  They seem confident that they are the center of my universe and they're mostly correct.  How will they feel when I share myself with someone else as their father is currently doing?  I can't allay their angst about that but perhaps by conducting myself differently, I can give them peace that their Mama is not lonely...even if I do end up alone.  :-)

My Village

How unnatural is it for middle aged people to be alone?  Statistics say it's more common than not with divorce rates but society sees the anomaly of it.  I don't mind being quizzed about my state of singularity.  In fact, I've found it to be helpful as as my peers begin the process of matching me with another single soul.

The widening circles of online communities connect us whether we like it or not.  I choose to like it because it's not going to disappear and living with it is more rational than fighting it.  Besides the friends and family who recommend a FB friend, I am signed up with the curious world of online dating.

"My village" of prospective dates is made up of personalities that I could never duplicate in my actual world.  When I'm working, I'm at the keyboard, not in an office setting.  Or, I'm out having my photo taken and although it's fun to be waved at on the street...I don't necessarily want to date the truck driver seeing my photo shoot!  Even my studio sessions aren't with a wide variety of men...a photographer, an assistant, perhaps a client representative.  They see beautiful men and women on a regular basis and one more pretty face is just that...one more that doesn't stand out from a crowd.

My girlfriends and I have weighed the pros and cons of online dating and yes, we find it lacking.  We also find it liberating to be able to quickly say yea or nay to a prospective date.  This kind of date shopping makes me feel as if I'm becoming desensitized to what really matters.  Each time I decide to take a break from dating, someone connects with me and I feel that tug toward being with a man.  It's nature I suppose and while I admire those women who have championed the "be alone and learn about yourself" modicum, I'm happier sharing special times with special people.  No amount of girlfriends or cats can make up for a lack of physical and emotional connection that only comes from being with a man.  Perhaps if I had not been with a man for so long, it wouldn't seem so strange to be alone.  I don't want to get used to it and settle for being happy by myself.  I'd rather do the work and enjoy the "two against the world" mentality that worked for so long for me.

Loving the Alone

I feel sneaky.  Oh so sneaky.  So sneaky, so sneaky....di---vi---ne and I'm singing along here in time...tra la la tra la la tra la la!!!!!!!!!!!!

How many Valentine's Days will I continue to spend alone?  As many I want to!!!  :-)

Why is this year so fabulous on the day that Hallmark has dubbed the Lovers' Day and yet, I have chosen to have no lover with me??!!  Today, I'm in love with being alone.  I compare this day to last year and it is soooooo much happier.  I was being pummeled with the foul feelings of someone else who was trying to hold on to me despite my wishes.  It was agony as were the last 6 Valentine's Days...years of sadness are now HIStory, not MYstory.

I feel giddy.  Oh so giddy. :-)

When happiness invades an person's entire being, it is the ultimate rush.  I feel so full of LOVE for my life right now...today, I am loving being alone.  Tomorrow may be the day I wake up and meet a life partner, but I don't care if I do or not.  Right now, I'm having a celebration of a whole heart that has survived and thrived and doesn't MIND eating chocolate, ice cream, and pizza all by herself...and her cat!  The cliche is so delicious.

No amount of candy, roses, or jewelry could take the place of this utter feeling of peace within myself.

CHEERS to one of the happiest St. Valentine's Days in memory.  CHEERS!!

Mask

The moments that pass and leave a mark aren't always bad.  I've been observing a photographer edit my recent photo shoot.  After he's cycled my image through various filters, I'm left with a mar free face...a face minus life's scars and my own character.

A modeling career hasn't been part of my life for 25 plus years.  Part of me wants to puff up proudly and proclaim that its mindless drivel is too little for my intellectual growth.  That would be untrue.  Rather, it's fear that kept that career in the drawer.  Succumbing to modeling is almost like succumbing to the iron mask.  Forget the adage that a model can "dress up and play anyone" because a model is given the dress and told WHAT to play.  Mannequins come to life are still mannequins.

Stepping into these old shoes isn't comfortable.  As my daughter noted, "Your life is a dream...who wouldn't want to be a model?  Who wouldn't want to have their choice of men...of young men even...?"  Her questions have to be answered with harsh realities so that this "dream of a divorce" is NOT something she admires.  Life's success and failures for the young is marked in black and white.  The mosaic gains color only with trials and tribulations.  The cliche of the journey being the real prize is true.

A picture may be worth a thousand words but those words are necessary steps.  A picture could just be the mask and not the meaning.

Glue

I read the following response to a question from a confused woman supposedly dating her true love:

"He's not opening up to me emotionally and wants me to wait longer than the two years I've been waiting...."

His request for you to wait sounds too much like layaway. He likes you, maybe even does love you, but is too wounded/scared/gun shy to say the words and defy his Ex by moving forward with his life (and never dismiss the possibility that this is exactly what his EX wants him to suffer.) How convenient for him if he has you "wait" until he's ready.

The answer was spot on as it continued...after two years, she is the one who needs help.  Why invest so much time in a losing cause?  I'm not sure how women or men for that case get so STUCK in a relationship that has no potential for an emotional commitment.  The psychological impact of our past does taint our intent BUT what is it about our addictive tendencies that mire us in the swamp of a losing effort?

My final summation after researching this question (one that has been pondered too much) is fear.  Humans can be emotionally fearful and if two vulnerable people come together then fear can become the relationship glue.  Chemistry, timing, opportunity are 3 components that jump start a coupling.  So what happens afterwards?  If these two adults are in tune with their psyches and open to the possibilities, it can be a delicious opportunity for personal growth with lots of terrific physicality as a highlight.  If one of them is hampered emotionally, then it's possibly a repeat of the failed marriage the divorcee has exited.  NOT delicious...SOUR....

The great part of dating as a mature woman is deciding what kind of glue to explore and knowing what kind suits a lifestyle.

Like Attracts Like

Be what you seek....

Skinning this cat is tricksy.  After posting the nostalgic ponderings of Bob Marley yesterday, I thought hard about why he and others idealize love and soul mates.

Marley put himself in a creative zone enhanced with the fantasy like quality of island life and the purple haze of drugs.  It's a grand goal to think that we can feel beloved by someone on a 24/7 basis.  It's also the kind of pressure that limits our growth.  Why would someone try to begin a relationship to fulfill all the attributes that Marley writes about?

Am I saying it is impossible?  Yes...and I'm a fairy tale believer!  The difference is that my fairy tale reads more like Shrek than Cinderella.  I have come to the realization that the "one" may be different for each phase of our life.  If the original "one" is unwilling to make the life evolution needed , then it does not bode well for the future of a couple.

The pace of modern life, the insular qualities that society demands of its families, and the incredible reach of technology into our very private spaces demand a change in how we approach personal relationships.  All the wonderful things that Marley hopes to find in his one true love may be better spread out among many relationships including close family and friends.  The notion that one person can be ALL in today's society doesn't seem feasible.

And so, as life develops for we mid life divorcees, words of advice from old love songs and poems seem quaint and outdated.  It doesn't mean that our future date mates will be missing out on romance, it just means that the fairy tale has been given a good dose of realism.

Bob the Oracle

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 
― Bob Marley

“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” 
― Bob Marley

He proclaimed that his music would live forever; I believe it's his sentiments that will carry that music more so than the rhythms.  The weight of his philosophies were lessened only by the life he lived which he sought to transcend through drugs and life experience.

We meet people for particular reasons...perhaps the "Bob fan" I met was sent to cross my path so that I would be encouraged to learn more about the poet Marley.

School is in Session

Hard truths.

Dating is NOT something I necessarily enjoy.  I have been told that I should enjoy this time as a child would in a candy shop.  Really?  When my own kids went to the candy shop, they became overwhelmed with the choices.  It was hard for them to remember what really satisfied their sweet tooth and they would end up trying out new candies that weren't necessarily to their taste.

And should we talk about the indigestion?  Too much of a good thing is still too much!

The hard truths are as follows:

• I prefer to be a private person.  Meeting all these new folks and sharing our stories is stressful.
• Chemistry matters!  If I don't feel that "zing," it will not matter how long we get to know each other.
• It has been proven...if you are NOT happy when you begin a relationship, then you will NOT be happy after the initial rush is over.  FACT-That rush can last up to two years.  
• Serial daters desensitize themselves just as a band-aid eventually loses its "sticky" once it's been lifted too many times.  I don't want to be that used up band-aid.  If I find someone who is worthy of my attention, then I have zero need to keep searching in case there is someone "better."  
• If all parts of a man come together as the "perfect" one for you, but he doesn't believe in himself...then don't try to fix him.  It's impossible.  He needs to heal from the inside out and he may choose to never do that by NOT getting the help necessary.  It's the saddest hard truth.

Maybe the hardest thing to accept is that the list of hard truths will probably grow longer.  Our goals as humans, as "lost" mates can't be set in stone.  Adjusting one's goals and expectations isn't a weakness but a strength as we learn what we find acceptable in the strange world of being single.

Silver Linings Playbook

When I saw this movie last weekend, I felt compelled to roll it around my brain for hours afterward.  It makes complete sense now why all the main actors were nominated for awards.  Their personas captured the tapestry of a family torn asunder by the dilemma of mental health problems.

Examining the movie will provide hours of cinema critique, but examining the characters tosses us into a mirror looking back at ourselves.

How is it that LOVE makes us so blind?  Is the human instinct so powerfully ingrained that we imprint upon others regardless of imminent danger to our psyches?  One would think that Mother Nature knows what she's doing...we are chemically drawn to one another for procreation and once the familial unit is formed, our hormones continue the process of bonding so that the offspring is protected and reared appropriately.

Our societies set up systems to keep us bound to one another through religion, education, and politics.  And so, we are urged to stay in an original coupling regardless of how painful and crippling it might be for our mental stability.  Something in this movie struck a chord in me of how much suffering is required to keep those family bonds in tact.  The sacrifice of the parents for their children, the continued love from the children for these aging parents...all of it is presented in such a fashion to make we viewers question our commitments to our loved ones.

As the fog of this divorce passes, I will feel safer defining my goals with or without a partner.  My children are practically grown.  Within 16 months, both of them will be considered adults by law but as a mother, I know they won't be "cooked" for quite a while.  Mothering doesn't end ever and I can thank my own mother for that wonderful lesson.

Look for the silver lining in a dark cloud?  No, I think we should look for the silver lining of daylight once the fog rises and then it might be safe again to explore a playbook for the future.

Let it Burn

Inspiration can come from the oddest places.  Yesterday, I took some time to grieve for the "lost potential" of a relationship.  In that time I came to terms with the fact that the struggle for some people to find fulfillment might be their life long cross to bear.

And with the idea that I was meant to take something from this experience, I choose to remember the "blues."  Turning on my music channel, I hear "Let it Burn."  Yes, that fire in my belly that I like to be close to...well, I'm not going to dampen it.  Instead, these last few weeks of getting to know an individual isn't wasted, it's simply another log placed on my roaring fire of discovery.

It feels so empowering to know that I can stay true to the path I have chosen.  Those little side jaunts remind me of my children's video games.  I veer off course, fight some battles, earn scars and rewards, and when I get back on my path, my life force has been doubled!

So I listen to this song, Let it Burn, and it's not the "blues" I feel...it's the incredible power of the flame that makes me stronger.  Inspiration is a journey and what a gift I will give one day to another when they join me on this trek.

Let it burn, baby...let it burn...

BIG SMILES

Grief

Today I grieve.

For all the cacophony that blares about our self-indulgent society, so many of us do not allow time for grief.  We are assailed with the fear that when we stop moving forward in recovery, then we stop moving at all.

I'm guilty of that and am somewhat defiant.  I have NOT wanted to stop for the grief.  The physical act of crying and wailing may be therapeutic for some but I dread its appearance.  As a sunny person, I hate the dark clouds of sorrow.  And yet, without them, how could we appreciate the brighter days?

And so I grieve.  Life didn't turn out the way I expected. I mistakenly believed in keeping my hopes at a minimum, therefore when the tide turned, I wouldn't be too disappointed.  My, how we delude ourselves as we seek inner solace.  It was the exact opposite...my heart really wanted the whole fairy tale.  I wanted it.  And it didn't come true.

What will I do?

For a bit, grief can have its way with me.  And in sturdy Appalachian fashion, I will sweep it aside again and get about finding my new fairy tale.  Darn it!  I still believe.  :-)  I believe happiness trumps grief.  I believe.

Swoosh

The sound of the bullet that I just dodged...Swoosh.  Fine, a relationship bullet but one that could have been detrimental to my forward march.  Swoosh.

As my circle widens, I know I will encounter more of these sad men who are addicted to their stories of woe.  It's much easier to convince themselves they are incapable of being in a healthy relationship than it is to actually do the hard work to be in one.  I found the grit to release myself from that kind of marriage and with the help of a wonderful counselor, I'm listening to my inner antennae and extricating myself if I have a "sense" that I'm about to succumb to that again.

I don't mind being in the firing line.  I know that to win big, one has to bet big.  GO BIG OR GO HOME is actually a good motto in the relationship world.

Gee, I better stop patting myself on my back and go about the daily business of being fulfilled...after all, somebody's got to do it for all the ones who are too scared to try.  Naughty me! ;-)

Become Vulnerable

Laura Doyle writes about intimacy when it relates to marriage but her ideas have inspired me to apply them to my new single life.

#1
Do at least 3 things a day for your own pleasure.
Now that my nest is far less occupied than in days past, it's easy to find the time and inclination to do things for me.  Admittedly, I did not concentrate on doing that since my children were born.  Yes, we women read the articles and set about the steps for self-fulfillment but really...how could I look to myself with 3 people hungry for dinner, waiting in line for homework help, and an expectant man hoping I would be ready to romp like a porn star in the bedroom.  Life doesn't mesh so well with idealistic hopes.

I have plenty of lost time to make up for and I don't spend any time regretting what I gave up for my family because what I paid out is coming back as my terrific children go about fulfilling their own dreams.

#2
Relinquish control of people that you can't control
My marriage was constantly mired in control issues.  The tug and pull of our disparate personalities kept us from pulling together toward a common goal.  In the end, our only common goal was providing a springboard for our children's future.  I have even had to further cut ties with his "divorced dating self" as he makes mistake after mistake with the kids.  I will no longer try to protect their image of him...I have accepted that controlling a perception is a lost cause.

#3
Receive gift, compliments, and help graciously
I have been a poor recipient of these things for most of my adult life.  My self-deprecation has not played well for me but now that I can see it, I have set about to change it.  I don't brush off the compliments and instead, I offer my heartfelt thanks.  I also make sure to sincerely give compliments without the expectation of  getting one back.  So many women suffer from the fallacy that they aren't worthy of the acclaim...rather than preach "girl power," perhaps we should emphasize "personality power."

#4
Respect the man you chose
This could be the secret sauce for a relationship success recipe.  Without R-E-S-P-E-C-T, it is impossible to form that circle of protective and indulgent love.  Once I realized that I could NOT regain the respect I had once held for my spouse, I was able to let go of the toxic relationship.  Now, as I explore the world of dating, I am again confronted with how to handle "respect" of another individual.  Divorcees are hurting...some of us handle it with more grace than others.  I struggle to find the appropriate amount of indulgence I can give to those who make mistakes as we traverse this strange path.

#5
Express gratitude 3 x daily
As Laura states, "gratitude has magical powers."  I feel fortunate that I am able to see the "good" in people.  I am blessed with that sixth sense of what makes another feel special.  Choosing to see the positive versus the negative and telling someone about their uniqueness makes ME feel as good as it makes them feel.  Gratuitous gratitude is NOT a good feeling though and I refuse to do it.  At least I am honest with them and myself as to when it has waned for me.  Letting someone know ONLY 3 x daily how appreciated they are seems like a low number...I hope I find that man who does so much good that I want to express my gratitude multiple times a day.

#6
Strive to be vulnerable
Women are castigated when they show their vulnerability.  "Don't be weak!  Make him work for it!"  Perhaps if I wished to be a successful "dater" rather than a fulfilled person, this would be appropriate.  The amount of pain absorbed throughout a divorce can't be understated.  Whether this pain was put upon us or we harvested it on our own makes little difference...striving to be vulnerable after that storm is a feat.

And so, as some preach about the power of forgiveness, I will move forward allowing myself to be vulnerable.  Without opening that door to pain again, I have realized that I will be unable to find happiness with another man.  A true connection, a true relationship has to be wide open for pain and pleasure.

Morning Delight

The freshness of morning in Florida...ahhhhh, the birds, the bugs, the weight off my psyche!  HA!

Being true to oneself is probably the hardest thing to do in humanity.  Each day we are faced with struggles that pull us from our core and when we succumb to the tug, we then have to deal with the aftermath of our guilt.  I like living guilt free.  I like living close to the fire in my belly.  Being honest with myself and those I care about has an addictive quality to it.

Women are notorious for settling.  We gloss over our disappointments in hopes that the situation improves. We build pretty cages and nest appropriately with our mates and yet, happiness begins to slip away.  At my age, without the encumbrance of guilt, I can look back at a life lived successfully...but in the confines of a cage that I built myself.  I cannot lay the blame solely at my ex's feet for the failure of our marriage.  I could have thrown down the gauntlet earlier...I could have been braver...I could have been a lot of things but my own self-development had not reached those points.  And he was not interested in self development for the sake of a relationship.

But I'm being brave now. I'm not settling when it comes to the big issues just to be in the company of a man.  I'm instead being clear and honest about my needs and if those needs don't mesh with another's, then I continue alone on my path.

In answer to the oft asked question from other women..."Don't you miss just being with a man?"

And in answer...yes, of course.  But I remember the agony of being with a man and missing myself and that memory and those lessons learned sustain me.

Everything works out in the end, right?  And if it's not working out, then it must not be the end!  Life...to be continued...happy...fulfilled...and in love with myself first and foremost.

Karma's Ugliness

I'm guilty of it!  I've wished a karma visitation upon others...especially one "other" who keeps messing with my little world.  As much satisfaction as I might get short term if he were to get his karma slap...well, revenge is a dish best served cold.  I know that it wouldn't help me.

The stressful interactions I've had in the last few days dealing with his abysmal actions have played hard on my psyche.  It's a combination of guilt and anger.  I hate that an innocent loved one has to be exposed to this selfishness and I grieve that I'm not there to be a buffer of protection.

It's just a cycle that may pass soon because if it doesn't, the ugly vestiges of REVENGE will enter my brain and heart! hahahaha

Beast

It's the nature of the beast...blogging about mid life divorce from a woman's perspective is supposed to be slanted.  

When it comes to the delicate issue of egos, men are castigated for having huge ones but it's time to acknowledge the fact that the egos of women get in the way of successful relationships.  Statistics show that far more women than men seek divorces and a fellow blogger has bravely approached this and lit the firestorm!

Five Reasons

Early in the article, it was apparent that I had been in the kind of relationship that was unable to be salvaged by following her advice.  Nonetheless, it is excellent for women as they begin the path again and it's with that hope that I pass this along so like me, you can follow her helpful observations.

Being Mean

How is it that the mean ladies hold such sway over the opposite sex in this day and age?  One would think that with the advent of technology, a man could do a bit of research and figure out why they are drawn to the snarling, mean spirited woman who haunts their psyches.

A simple search will reveal all the mommy issues that come forth with wanting to love someone who insists they don't want the love.  Maybe it's why my ex insisted til the end of the relationship that it could be salvaged.  Maybe he even liked my horror at his actions because he thought it was a challenge that could be overcome. Being mean to him was so completely out of my nature that it almost brought me to a standstill.  With all of his failings, it was not enjoyable to make him feel bad as I pushed him away. And yet, that just flamed his ardor.  I hope his new love is helping him overcome this weakness...I don't like the thought that he could bring someone into my children's lives who wants to be mean...even if it's just to him.  I don't want them to witness that oddity.

Smiling for smiling's sake is weird, I suppose.  Just like tears that come out at  inopportune times, smiles can cause consternation in others.  "Why are you smiling?"  "What's up with you?"  "Anything I should know about?"

It's truly just a smile of happiness and a bubble that erupts spontaneously.  But I guess with today's CSI mentality, a smile isn't just a smile anymore.  And a smile at a man can carry a misconstrued message.  A recent study published in Psychology Today highlighted the social misread of the majority of men.  When men are given a smile from a woman they find attractive, they subconsciously believe that it construes sexual innuendo.  WTHopefulF???  Consistent studies prove it though.  A smile is more than a smile to that part of the male brain attached to his penis! ha ha

This study also highlights the man's need for the chase of these misconstrued sexual signals and when he gets rejected, the woman's importance grows regardless of her bitchiness.  So then begins a strange cycle of courtship...a woman becomes the bitch that the man needs to win over to tamp down that egocentric need to fulfill unrequited love from his mother.  Holy crap on a cracker!

Before I even enter the realm of how this is going to screw up my romantic life, I'm bound to correct any odd mommy issues that my own son may end up having.  The aspect of divorce in his early life could cause him to lean toward a young woman who plays coy enough to get him but can't turn it off once he's smitten.  Therein lies the problem...will he spend the rest of his life trying to satisfy a MEAN ASS woman to quiet a need to stop his mother from divorcing his father?  Arrggghhhh...this is exactly why I dropped my psychology classes!  Unfortunately, this type of scenario is prevalent in early relationships...and judging by men my age...it could STILL be an issue.

Although I don't cotton to playing hard to get (the cruelty of that game isn't my style), it has occurred without my consent.  Sadly, there are some men who take my lack of interest in pursuing a dating pattern with them as evidence that SURELY I must want to date them!  What?  Sigh.  And then there are the incredibly sweet men who were treated like crap by MEAN ASS WOMEN and now must get their heads around the fact that there are women like me...the simple nice girl who smiles just because she's happy and grateful to be around them.  Sigh again.

My weakness is when I see this happening to a man.  If they even hint at giving me some kind of drama with games or exes or the need to keep playing the field, I flee.  Fast.  And then I end up with these damned texts and phone calls.  It's not that I'm playing "hard to get," it's that I'm NOT playing at all.  I just refuse to enter into a psychological tap dance with someone who has not figured out what they want in a woman.  Maybe I should be more patient?  I have learned to read some of those early signals and the hint of indecision sends me down another path.  Patient?  Can I look past those signals and extend that second chance?  I truly don't know because that's one of those psychological issues that I have a hard time seeing...because I NEED a man's perspective.  :-)  Ohhhhh, smiley me!

Daughtry: Start of Something Good