Pretend

The weariness of pretending is taking its toll.  My resilient nature doesn't let my smile droop often publicly.  I know that feedback from others is a direct reflection of oneself and my silent mantra of "fake it til you make it" keeps the questions from being asked.

It's also exhausting.  That inner glow of mine sucks away energy from my daily brain battles.  Damned neurons.  All the effort I put into forcing my happy outlook...well, it becomes burdensome.  I am doing the work, putting in the hours of self reflection, meditation, intense study of how I might slide off my chosen path of happiness to obscurity...all the work is getting done.

But the lack of someone to help me rest and subsequently help me forgive myself for those imperfections that only I notice....

I miss him (whoever he is) and I so need to just give in to the exhaustion, let someone else hold the weight, let someone else lead for a while.  

Until that lightning strikes, pretending gets me through this phase of utter loneliness.  Rather than scorn the art of pretense, I hail it as my saving grace.  For now, my brain allows itself to be tricked and I live on with great resilience.  Utter deep sigh.