A River Runs Through It

"... life is water. It runs, slips, evaporates, changes course . . .”  George Estreich


For some, the process of blogging or journaling is therapeutic.  Recent studies show on the contrary that revisiting our entries can set back our progress.  The common wisdom of keeping a diary is making way for the new idea of writing it down then tearing it up.

I now understand why writing a memoir is so painful.  Once it's put to print, the thought of going through an editing process to get it "right" seems downright sadistic.  

These last few weeks without writing have given me space to grieve.  My subconscious acknowledgement of the anniversary time frame I've entered preys upon my psyche regardless of my wishes.

Last year at this time I was in a state of euphoria.  Pride filled me as I took charge of my own destiny.  Fear took a back seat to action and I barreled my way through to a new life.  It was enlightening.  

And it continues to be a rebirth of sorts and also the rearing of old fears.  At one time, my greatest fear was that I would die the loneliest woman ever while married.  I now know that multitudes of women have/had that fear as well.  It seemed so wasteful to carry on a dead relationship when all I wanted was to be touched at a deeper level...to be understood and cherished and made to feel safe.  My ex may never evolve to that kind of person OR he may be exactly the kind of man that another woman is looking for and fulfills her in ways that he could never do with me.

And so I write again to explore my progress.  I have to depend on myself to find that deeper level for evolution.  I have to make myself feel cherished, respected, and wanted.  Most of all, I have to release the idea that a man will come forward to help me with these things.

No one could have explained to me that divorce is really about facing our fear of solitude.  Once we are completely alone, the reflection in the mirror can be haunting.  Solitude equals truth and as I'm meeting its test, I'm facing the fact that being alone may be my lot in life.  

Alone in a marriage or simply alone in life.  Let the internal debate begin.