I keep reading the below article. Please take a moment and read it for yourself.
Why Women Leave Men
Communication. Communication. Communication.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Saved
How can one label a life saving event as anything less than miraculous? A divorce has saved my life...literally.
Yes, it sounds like such a cliche, the old "things happen for a reason," but following that line of reasoning makes it easier to look at the path I've traveled and make sense of its twists and turns.
When I was married and buried in unhappiness, neck deep with head in sand, I ignored a swirling mass of warning signs. There was so much more to worry about than my own health or safety. I concentrated on my children's happiness, on my friends' contentment, on helping build my husband's career by providing the foundation of home and hearth. I played "arm candy" well but my main position was to provide an oasis of calm for his hectic life. The beautiful home, the content children, the charming hostess...I did it with pride and also enjoyment for a while....
And then as I became a fixture, not a partner, my well of happiness became dry and the busy spouse didn't step forward to refill in a time of drought. So much time had passed, so much was taken for granted including my own health....
If I had chosen to stay on that darkening path, I would NOT have had a reason to see a physician. I would have believed myself to be safe in a "monogamous" relationship and free of worries about dangerous viruses. But it turned out I wasn't safe and not knowing the level of danger, I would have ignored my body's warning signs.
The divorce not only lifted me free of emotional and mental constraints, it has now lifted me out of a potentially deadly diagnosis of cervical cancer. I avoided this scrooge because I became a single woman. It certainly wasn't something I would have checked before even though my aunt died of this cancer and my first cousins have fought it. I didn't know I was vulnerable genetically but I should have...I should have NOT counted on being safe just because I was married but I'm on the path to be saved.
The divorce started a chain reaction that has led me to the point of having a life saving surgery. It will be a simple surgery, an in office procedure with a relatively short recovery time and it's perfect timing. A delay of even a few months might have set me on the darkest path of all. But, I will live and cherish this new life I've embarked upon and my ever widening new circle of friends.
Divorce has saved my life. Now THAT is a silver lining!! :-)
Yes, it sounds like such a cliche, the old "things happen for a reason," but following that line of reasoning makes it easier to look at the path I've traveled and make sense of its twists and turns.
When I was married and buried in unhappiness, neck deep with head in sand, I ignored a swirling mass of warning signs. There was so much more to worry about than my own health or safety. I concentrated on my children's happiness, on my friends' contentment, on helping build my husband's career by providing the foundation of home and hearth. I played "arm candy" well but my main position was to provide an oasis of calm for his hectic life. The beautiful home, the content children, the charming hostess...I did it with pride and also enjoyment for a while....
And then as I became a fixture, not a partner, my well of happiness became dry and the busy spouse didn't step forward to refill in a time of drought. So much time had passed, so much was taken for granted including my own health....
If I had chosen to stay on that darkening path, I would NOT have had a reason to see a physician. I would have believed myself to be safe in a "monogamous" relationship and free of worries about dangerous viruses. But it turned out I wasn't safe and not knowing the level of danger, I would have ignored my body's warning signs.
The divorce not only lifted me free of emotional and mental constraints, it has now lifted me out of a potentially deadly diagnosis of cervical cancer. I avoided this scrooge because I became a single woman. It certainly wasn't something I would have checked before even though my aunt died of this cancer and my first cousins have fought it. I didn't know I was vulnerable genetically but I should have...I should have NOT counted on being safe just because I was married but I'm on the path to be saved.
The divorce started a chain reaction that has led me to the point of having a life saving surgery. It will be a simple surgery, an in office procedure with a relatively short recovery time and it's perfect timing. A delay of even a few months might have set me on the darkest path of all. But, I will live and cherish this new life I've embarked upon and my ever widening new circle of friends.
Divorce has saved my life. Now THAT is a silver lining!! :-)
Friday, February 22, 2013
How Much More
Platitudes. We are only given what we can handle. Trials and tribulations are given to those who can withstand them. Character is built upon failure, not success. To receive much, one must give much.
How much more can a person handle when it comes to stress? As my daughter so eloquently stated, "This year has been worse than a soap opera." She's right.
Separation..................................................Freedom from a toxic relationship
Moving Out................................................No longer an upaid maid
Eldest Child's HS Graduation......................Successful launching of a kid rocket
Divorce......................................................Legally all on my own
Child goes to college..................................Pride for my son's success
Empty Nest...............................................Time to focus on me
Puzzling Men Issues...................................Meeting wonderful people
Parent becomes diabetic............................A reminder that good health can pay off
Holidays as a single parent.........................So many friends rallying for my support
New vocation............................................Reaquainted with my talents
Cancer w/ a side of MS.............................Knowing that I have it so much better than others
Loss of a pet.............................................A gift of some time with a special creature
Turning all those stresses on the left to positive mindfulness on the right has not been easy. In fact, it will continue to be a challenge but the payoff is the ability to push through obstacles.
As they say, the first one through the wall is bloodied. I guess I'm no longer scared of walls.
How much more can I take? More and more and more if it means that what I find on the other side is bright and positive.
How much more can a person handle when it comes to stress? As my daughter so eloquently stated, "This year has been worse than a soap opera." She's right.
Separation..................................................Freedom from a toxic relationship
Moving Out................................................No longer an upaid maid
Eldest Child's HS Graduation......................Successful launching of a kid rocket
Divorce......................................................Legally all on my own
Child goes to college..................................Pride for my son's success
Empty Nest...............................................Time to focus on me
Puzzling Men Issues...................................Meeting wonderful people
Parent becomes diabetic............................A reminder that good health can pay off
Holidays as a single parent.........................So many friends rallying for my support
New vocation............................................Reaquainted with my talents
Cancer w/ a side of MS.............................Knowing that I have it so much better than others
Loss of a pet.............................................A gift of some time with a special creature
Turning all those stresses on the left to positive mindfulness on the right has not been easy. In fact, it will continue to be a challenge but the payoff is the ability to push through obstacles.
As they say, the first one through the wall is bloodied. I guess I'm no longer scared of walls.
How much more can I take? More and more and more if it means that what I find on the other side is bright and positive.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Half of a Whole
Dealing with anger when it comes to the ex is far harder than I expected. Expressing it doesn't make me feel better because that just means I am FEELING it and I don't want to. I prefer numbness when it comes to the ex. So much time was wasted processing those painful experiences...I hate facing any more drama.
I try to convince myself that ours is a non-acrimonious parting of the ways and then...something rears its painful head and the angst is tossed right back in our faces. In the strangest fashion, my body reacts just as it always did when we argued. The tension and stress transport me quickly and I'm surprised by my visceral reaction. I wonder how much time must pass before this leaves us...he certainly reacts the same way.
Being half of what was once whole and listening to the "experts" preach that we are all whole unto ourselves is a bunch of crap. Mother Nature didn't provide the hormones and subsequent emotions to make us feel whole once we parted...especially for two people who have essentially been together their entire adult lives! Statistics show that men are so profoundly affected by this that they often jump back into a serious relationship to avoid coping with the wound. Women, who most often say they were lonely in the marriage anyway, have a bit more practice on the emotional front but we get there...our need to move in tandem with another moves us forward. Unfortunately, moving forward into a swamp of poor choices and emotional upheaval without doing the hard work on our psyches is a quick way to be back at the starting line.
Perhaps the lesson learned with this latest argumentative session with the ex is that both of us are trying to traverse the swamp in our own ways. Those ways that rub so raw against each other are why we are on different paths. We are crossing the great divide with the same goal...inner peace and a "piece" of happiness but no longer shared. It's still difficult when those paths converge at times.
I try to convince myself that ours is a non-acrimonious parting of the ways and then...something rears its painful head and the angst is tossed right back in our faces. In the strangest fashion, my body reacts just as it always did when we argued. The tension and stress transport me quickly and I'm surprised by my visceral reaction. I wonder how much time must pass before this leaves us...he certainly reacts the same way.
Being half of what was once whole and listening to the "experts" preach that we are all whole unto ourselves is a bunch of crap. Mother Nature didn't provide the hormones and subsequent emotions to make us feel whole once we parted...especially for two people who have essentially been together their entire adult lives! Statistics show that men are so profoundly affected by this that they often jump back into a serious relationship to avoid coping with the wound. Women, who most often say they were lonely in the marriage anyway, have a bit more practice on the emotional front but we get there...our need to move in tandem with another moves us forward. Unfortunately, moving forward into a swamp of poor choices and emotional upheaval without doing the hard work on our psyches is a quick way to be back at the starting line.
Perhaps the lesson learned with this latest argumentative session with the ex is that both of us are trying to traverse the swamp in our own ways. Those ways that rub so raw against each other are why we are on different paths. We are crossing the great divide with the same goal...inner peace and a "piece" of happiness but no longer shared. It's still difficult when those paths converge at times.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Kid Help?
Turnabout is fair play. I had NOT expected to be tutored by my children when it comes to my dating life. What interest would they have? They've only met a couple of men and that was accidental, fleeting and completely NOT inappropriate.
So why would they be interested in how I conduct myself? Upon receiving this question, they had no definitive answer other than, "We don't want you to be lonely."
I couldn't help but chuckle. I don't remember them being worried about my loneliness when I was knee deep in domestic duties for them and their father. Therein lies the problem with the "stay at home mother" status...my kids only saw me serving them. Yes, I was the gung ho volunteer who did the ferrying about of teams, etc. Often, it was me hosting the parties and fund raisers and the multitude of activities that make a kid's life run smoothly. But what did they see me doing that was just for me and not for the good of the household?
When I went back to school for Interior Decor, they were both young and self-absorbed enough to not pay attention to that. Also, I did not slack up on any of their needs so it was probably a non-event for them. As teenagers in Florida, they have again seen me wholly devoted to making the household and family unit run as smoothly as possible with the exception of the last 7 months. With one child in college and the other busy and independent, they must wonder what Mom does with herself all day....
They have become curious about who Mama should be seeing and how often and of course, are open to giving me unsolicited advice. Whereas my adult friends urge me to "date around" and taste all the flowers, my daughter especially wants me to find that special "one." Hmmm, and why would just one suffice, I ask her?
"Mom, really...could you handle dating more than one guy at a time?"
Good point knowing my attention span but after being with "one" for a quarter century, isn't it time for me to branch out like the other ladies?
"That's called a HO, Mom!"
Ahh, welcome to teenage world. Pick one and go "steady" for a while.... My daughter knows me well (I'm perplexed they still use the word steady) and she's right, I have to focus on someone to figure out how they will play in my life. That's the case with all the new friends I'm making too.
My son is more quiet on this issue but certainly concerned about me. His comments lead me to believe that there isn't a man prepared for me out there. I have yet to figure out if that is a compliment or an insult....
Regardless, it is heartening to feel their concern. They seem confident that they are the center of my universe and they're mostly correct. How will they feel when I share myself with someone else as their father is currently doing? I can't allay their angst about that but perhaps by conducting myself differently, I can give them peace that their Mama is not lonely...even if I do end up alone. :-)
So why would they be interested in how I conduct myself? Upon receiving this question, they had no definitive answer other than, "We don't want you to be lonely."
I couldn't help but chuckle. I don't remember them being worried about my loneliness when I was knee deep in domestic duties for them and their father. Therein lies the problem with the "stay at home mother" status...my kids only saw me serving them. Yes, I was the gung ho volunteer who did the ferrying about of teams, etc. Often, it was me hosting the parties and fund raisers and the multitude of activities that make a kid's life run smoothly. But what did they see me doing that was just for me and not for the good of the household?
When I went back to school for Interior Decor, they were both young and self-absorbed enough to not pay attention to that. Also, I did not slack up on any of their needs so it was probably a non-event for them. As teenagers in Florida, they have again seen me wholly devoted to making the household and family unit run as smoothly as possible with the exception of the last 7 months. With one child in college and the other busy and independent, they must wonder what Mom does with herself all day....
They have become curious about who Mama should be seeing and how often and of course, are open to giving me unsolicited advice. Whereas my adult friends urge me to "date around" and taste all the flowers, my daughter especially wants me to find that special "one." Hmmm, and why would just one suffice, I ask her?
"Mom, really...could you handle dating more than one guy at a time?"
Good point knowing my attention span but after being with "one" for a quarter century, isn't it time for me to branch out like the other ladies?
"That's called a HO, Mom!"
Ahh, welcome to teenage world. Pick one and go "steady" for a while.... My daughter knows me well (I'm perplexed they still use the word steady) and she's right, I have to focus on someone to figure out how they will play in my life. That's the case with all the new friends I'm making too.
My son is more quiet on this issue but certainly concerned about me. His comments lead me to believe that there isn't a man prepared for me out there. I have yet to figure out if that is a compliment or an insult....
Regardless, it is heartening to feel their concern. They seem confident that they are the center of my universe and they're mostly correct. How will they feel when I share myself with someone else as their father is currently doing? I can't allay their angst about that but perhaps by conducting myself differently, I can give them peace that their Mama is not lonely...even if I do end up alone. :-)
My Village
How unnatural is it for middle aged people to be alone? Statistics say it's more common than not with divorce rates but society sees the anomaly of it. I don't mind being quizzed about my state of singularity. In fact, I've found it to be helpful as as my peers begin the process of matching me with another single soul.
The widening circles of online communities connect us whether we like it or not. I choose to like it because it's not going to disappear and living with it is more rational than fighting it. Besides the friends and family who recommend a FB friend, I am signed up with the curious world of online dating.
"My village" of prospective dates is made up of personalities that I could never duplicate in my actual world. When I'm working, I'm at the keyboard, not in an office setting. Or, I'm out having my photo taken and although it's fun to be waved at on the street...I don't necessarily want to date the truck driver seeing my photo shoot! Even my studio sessions aren't with a wide variety of men...a photographer, an assistant, perhaps a client representative. They see beautiful men and women on a regular basis and one more pretty face is just that...one more that doesn't stand out from a crowd.
My girlfriends and I have weighed the pros and cons of online dating and yes, we find it lacking. We also find it liberating to be able to quickly say yea or nay to a prospective date. This kind of date shopping makes me feel as if I'm becoming desensitized to what really matters. Each time I decide to take a break from dating, someone connects with me and I feel that tug toward being with a man. It's nature I suppose and while I admire those women who have championed the "be alone and learn about yourself" modicum, I'm happier sharing special times with special people. No amount of girlfriends or cats can make up for a lack of physical and emotional connection that only comes from being with a man. Perhaps if I had not been with a man for so long, it wouldn't seem so strange to be alone. I don't want to get used to it and settle for being happy by myself. I'd rather do the work and enjoy the "two against the world" mentality that worked for so long for me.
The widening circles of online communities connect us whether we like it or not. I choose to like it because it's not going to disappear and living with it is more rational than fighting it. Besides the friends and family who recommend a FB friend, I am signed up with the curious world of online dating.
"My village" of prospective dates is made up of personalities that I could never duplicate in my actual world. When I'm working, I'm at the keyboard, not in an office setting. Or, I'm out having my photo taken and although it's fun to be waved at on the street...I don't necessarily want to date the truck driver seeing my photo shoot! Even my studio sessions aren't with a wide variety of men...a photographer, an assistant, perhaps a client representative. They see beautiful men and women on a regular basis and one more pretty face is just that...one more that doesn't stand out from a crowd.
My girlfriends and I have weighed the pros and cons of online dating and yes, we find it lacking. We also find it liberating to be able to quickly say yea or nay to a prospective date. This kind of date shopping makes me feel as if I'm becoming desensitized to what really matters. Each time I decide to take a break from dating, someone connects with me and I feel that tug toward being with a man. It's nature I suppose and while I admire those women who have championed the "be alone and learn about yourself" modicum, I'm happier sharing special times with special people. No amount of girlfriends or cats can make up for a lack of physical and emotional connection that only comes from being with a man. Perhaps if I had not been with a man for so long, it wouldn't seem so strange to be alone. I don't want to get used to it and settle for being happy by myself. I'd rather do the work and enjoy the "two against the world" mentality that worked for so long for me.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Loving the Alone
I feel sneaky. Oh so sneaky. So sneaky, so sneaky....di---vi---ne and I'm singing along here in time...tra la la tra la la tra la la!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many Valentine's Days will I continue to spend alone? As many I want to!!! :-)
Why is this year so fabulous on the day that Hallmark has dubbed the Lovers' Day and yet, I have chosen to have no lover with me??!! Today, I'm in love with being alone. I compare this day to last year and it is soooooo much happier. I was being pummeled with the foul feelings of someone else who was trying to hold on to me despite my wishes. It was agony as were the last 6 Valentine's Days...years of sadness are now HIStory, not MYstory.
I feel giddy. Oh so giddy. :-)
When happiness invades an person's entire being, it is the ultimate rush. I feel so full of LOVE for my life right now...today, I am loving being alone. Tomorrow may be the day I wake up and meet a life partner, but I don't care if I do or not. Right now, I'm having a celebration of a whole heart that has survived and thrived and doesn't MIND eating chocolate, ice cream, and pizza all by herself...and her cat! The cliche is so delicious.
No amount of candy, roses, or jewelry could take the place of this utter feeling of peace within myself.
CHEERS to one of the happiest St. Valentine's Days in memory. CHEERS!!
How many Valentine's Days will I continue to spend alone? As many I want to!!! :-)
Why is this year so fabulous on the day that Hallmark has dubbed the Lovers' Day and yet, I have chosen to have no lover with me??!! Today, I'm in love with being alone. I compare this day to last year and it is soooooo much happier. I was being pummeled with the foul feelings of someone else who was trying to hold on to me despite my wishes. It was agony as were the last 6 Valentine's Days...years of sadness are now HIStory, not MYstory.
I feel giddy. Oh so giddy. :-)
When happiness invades an person's entire being, it is the ultimate rush. I feel so full of LOVE for my life right now...today, I am loving being alone. Tomorrow may be the day I wake up and meet a life partner, but I don't care if I do or not. Right now, I'm having a celebration of a whole heart that has survived and thrived and doesn't MIND eating chocolate, ice cream, and pizza all by herself...and her cat! The cliche is so delicious.
No amount of candy, roses, or jewelry could take the place of this utter feeling of peace within myself.
CHEERS to one of the happiest St. Valentine's Days in memory. CHEERS!!
Monday, February 11, 2013
Mask
The moments that pass and leave a mark aren't always bad. I've been observing a photographer edit my recent photo shoot. After he's cycled my image through various filters, I'm left with a mar free face...a face minus life's scars and my own character.
A modeling career hasn't been part of my life for 25 plus years. Part of me wants to puff up proudly and proclaim that its mindless drivel is too little for my intellectual growth. That would be untrue. Rather, it's fear that kept that career in the drawer. Succumbing to modeling is almost like succumbing to the iron mask. Forget the adage that a model can "dress up and play anyone" because a model is given the dress and told WHAT to play. Mannequins come to life are still mannequins.
Stepping into these old shoes isn't comfortable. As my daughter noted, "Your life is a dream...who wouldn't want to be a model? Who wouldn't want to have their choice of men...of young men even...?" Her questions have to be answered with harsh realities so that this "dream of a divorce" is NOT something she admires. Life's success and failures for the young is marked in black and white. The mosaic gains color only with trials and tribulations. The cliche of the journey being the real prize is true.
A picture may be worth a thousand words but those words are necessary steps. A picture could just be the mask and not the meaning.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Glue
I read the following response to a question from a confused woman supposedly dating her true love:
"He's not opening up to me emotionally and wants me to wait longer than the two years I've been waiting...."
"He's not opening up to me emotionally and wants me to wait longer than the two years I've been waiting...."
His request for you to wait sounds too much like layaway. He likes you, maybe even does love you, but is too wounded/scared/gun shy to say the words and defy his Ex by moving forward with his life (and never dismiss the possibility that this is exactly what his EX wants him to suffer.) How convenient for him if he has you "wait" until he's ready.
The answer was spot on as it continued...after two years, she is the one who needs help. Why invest so much time in a losing cause? I'm not sure how women or men for that case get so STUCK in a relationship that has no potential for an emotional commitment. The psychological impact of our past does taint our intent BUT what is it about our addictive tendencies that mire us in the swamp of a losing effort?
My final summation after researching this question (one that has been pondered too much) is fear. Humans can be emotionally fearful and if two vulnerable people come together then fear can become the relationship glue. Chemistry, timing, opportunity are 3 components that jump start a coupling. So what happens afterwards? If these two adults are in tune with their psyches and open to the possibilities, it can be a delicious opportunity for personal growth with lots of terrific physicality as a highlight. If one of them is hampered emotionally, then it's possibly a repeat of the failed marriage the divorcee has exited. NOT delicious...SOUR....
The great part of dating as a mature woman is deciding what kind of glue to explore and knowing what kind suits a lifestyle.
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