Saturday, December 27, 2014

Timely Travels

My love for traveling encompasses a huge part of my heart happiness.  I didn't expect to make a journey this morning as I'm busy being lazy...a full time effort before and after a hectic holiday...and yet, another personal adventure began.

I decided to organize my computer's "Bookmarks" and found myself taken on a timely travel back to 2012.  That year of significance introduced me as a singular person, a person minus a mate.  Easily, I can revisit journal entries if I want to relive-feel-experience those moments of angst and joy.  But I don't do that often as I've found individuals can become addicted to the past itself.  

Instead, I am confronted with 4 years worth of spontaneous saves for websites which I hoped would further my pursuit of knowledge and growth.  This is my closet that demands to be cleaned and organized.  Forgotten objects/sites buried in the dusty far corner are bringing forward unanticipated emotional responses.
  • In the trash pile, I throw all the divorce survival tips
  • Making a dream pile, I keep adventures to take ideas
  • For the recycle heap, I organize mothering advice
As for the rest, it's a miscellaneous jumble of health, home, romance and science which is truly what drives my creative engine.  I like a bit of mess...it keeps my life interesting.  And so that jumble will stay for future rummaging!  I'll even keep this closet door open for a bit so that a little sunshine can burn it clean....

Here Comes the Sun




Wednesday, December 24, 2014

A Light


As a little girl, I was afraid of the dark and I had good reason.  Now I walk into the dark with my light and I have good reason.  In this season that can bring about simultaneous angst and joy, these words resonate strongly.  A light now lives within me and the darkness of hate is kept at bay.

It would be irresponsible for me to think that I will not lapse into fear again, but now I KNOW that if I keep walking resolutely ahead, I will be able to make my light flicker back to life.

Monday, December 22, 2014

2015-2065



I stand atop my mountain,
And scan the path behind.
The ground breathes beneath me
As I dare to look on the other side.

Mother Sky
Father Earth
Brother Fire
Sister Water

All wait to greet me,
Though spiraling downward,
It's darkness and light
Mingling joy and fright.

Only a day given to
Celebrate this sight,
Looking whence I came,
Planning thus I go.

Girl-land a memory,
Motherhood past and gone,
Womanly halves divided,
Autumn now my song...

I stand atop my mountain,
And know how the next journey ends.
The ground and I stop breathing,
As I cross to the other side.


*Upon occasion of my 50th birthday





Friday, December 19, 2014

What is Your Why

Mario Armstrong pushes us to think about our answer to "What is your why?"


His emphasis lies in helping us expand our conversations and thereby, expanding our own thought process of WHY we do what we do.  As another new year rolls around, unfulfilled resolutions litter our thinking.  How did 12 months pass without us accomplishing our goals?  Or, what made us successful at reaching another peak?

And so I ask myself...What is my WHY for choosing certain goals?  Is my aim to achieve for the sake of accomplishment or to achieve for the sake of my personal growth?

For me, they are symbiotic.  I like the thrill of crossing a finish line but the gift of maturity is feeling peaceful with not coming in first.  When one of my resolutions begins to go awry, I forgive myself, tweak the goal, and still accomplish more than I did the previous year.

In a goofy state of mind, I decided to visit a new place in Florida for each month of the year beginning with the first letter of each month.  J, F, M...I tired of it after 3 months and decided to just visit a new place monthly rather than stay dependent upon a letter in the alphabet!

It's easy to get caught up in the trendiness of resolutions and problematic when we can't stick to those goals BUT, tis the season to pivot our thinking and trust in our original intent.  The unfolding of a New Year is upon us and even if we're struggling to answer all of our WHYS, we can at least make steps forward with the hope of finding an answer by DOING something!


Thursday, December 18, 2014

Goodbye to Girl

Men still refer to me as a girl.  And I say that firmly as I haven't heard the term used about me from a woman or an actual girl.

"Oh, you are a busy, funny, pretty, serious, kind, athletic girl...."  These are the normal adjectives I'm given with a few sparkly and bubbly thrown in for good measure.

Yes, I'm taken aback when I hear this from a man who is engaging me in conversation.  What does the term "girl" have to do with our discussion of current events?  How can a philosophical discussion about Susan Sontag contain "girl" in reference to me?

I stand on my age 50 soapbox proudly as a woman but my appearance and foray into modeling whittle me down to girl status with many men.  Were I to be more confrontational in nature, I might push back verbally.  I don't.  Why waste my energy debating a dolt?

Instead, I take advantage of their misguided perception and listen....  Doe eyed, smiling, nodding and completely in control of the situation, I listen to these men who aren't looking beneath my visage.  It's important for me to observe how they let down their guard around a "woman" who doesn't threaten them because she's a GIRL.  Part of me considers it psychological research and the other part considers it entertainment.  After all, I'm not dumb enough to perceive them as anything other than a man and that keeps me safe both physically and emotionally.  It's the man who takes nothing for granted when it comes to appearance and grills me to ascertain my intellect that I take seriously.

Will turning 50 take me beyond girl status?  Shall I say "Goodbye to Girl" forever?  Oddly enough, I don't care.  Life has become a port of observation for me with the occasional foray into the wild...my disguise as girl may be ending, but my existence as human is forevermore.

"So successful has been the camera's role in beautifying the world that photographs, rather than the world, have become the standard of the beautiful."

Beware the one that sees just another girl....


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Joy Turn

Life, as they say, turns on a dime.  And that phrase simply means that anything can make a radical change in direction very quickly.

It's essential to be prepared for these pivots as they arrive when we're least expecting them.  For the good or the bad, our reactions can turn them into something far worse or better than we ever thought we deserved.

Plotting my life plan means building space for these situations.  The allowance that age has given me is the ability to predict what my reactions will be...to a loss, a gain, or simply life as the mundane.  I find myself no longer paying attention to time as the grid for my daily routine.  It passes.  My previous attempts at controlling its march have ended poorly.  Now, I check for appointments but I don't stress about my preparedness for them.  It comes.

Since I'm not taxed with the routine of a 9-5 job, I have room for this life outlook.  Having once been in the daily grind chaos, I know not to be glib about "successfully achieving" a more organized and fulfilling life.  It fails.

Humans under stress adapt to their situations and spend countless hours responding to the turning dime of life...and all in the name of survival.  They feel the need to make a living a certain way, to have a family in a traditional sense, and to consider their dreams as subsidiaries to their realities.

Deep in many of our souls a flame stays lit though.  Hope for a better "turn" of our circumstances keeps us plodding along familiar paths.  We're imbued with light regardless of how dark it may seem.  It exists.

Today I feel a pivot of joy and in so honoring it, I won't concentrate on its short lived stay.  I'm prepared now to enjoy it for its appearance and that will be enough.  It must be enough.

The happiest people around the world are those with the least expectations of it.  They keep them low and live mindfully in the moment.  They aren't necessarily deep thinkers, they just live deeply in the moment.  Hope lives.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Fiction in the Familiar

"Good fiction is the truth inside a lie."  Stephen King

Puzzling at first, SK's comment hits its mark with me.  I struggle with my perceived outward visage and yet I embrace its protective mask.  It's not easy to pull it aside but when I do, the stronger parts of me reveal themselves.  And when I write about it, the words ring with eloquence and clarity.

At this stage, one would think I would be toughened by 50 years of life experience.  However, my new found courage and strength still gingerly unfolds its wings.  I struggle with the process and worry that I might be damaged as I expose who I've become.  And yet, without the leap of faith, I can't test this new truth.

Fiction in the Familiar

New life is fragile,
Hope brings tears,
Tears unveil fears,
And strength becomes happiness.

No scratches or scars
On new armor yet seen,
Shiny dreams reflected
On the faces of me.

Balance is needed
As I creep near the edge,
Abyss and emptiness
Beyond the sharp ledge.

Stepping away from the
Warmth of my fears,
Entering a chasm,
Not knowing what's near.

Breath taking wind,
My new face revealed,
Glowing and burning,
My fiction is real.

Familiar now,
I recognize the fall,
Flying toward
Becoming it all.