Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Like Attracts Like

Be what you seek....

Skinning this cat is tricksy.  After posting the nostalgic ponderings of Bob Marley yesterday, I thought hard about why he and others idealize love and soul mates.

Marley put himself in a creative zone enhanced with the fantasy like quality of island life and the purple haze of drugs.  It's a grand goal to think that we can feel beloved by someone on a 24/7 basis.  It's also the kind of pressure that limits our growth.  Why would someone try to begin a relationship to fulfill all the attributes that Marley writes about?

Am I saying it is impossible?  Yes...and I'm a fairy tale believer!  The difference is that my fairy tale reads more like Shrek than Cinderella.  I have come to the realization that the "one" may be different for each phase of our life.  If the original "one" is unwilling to make the life evolution needed , then it does not bode well for the future of a couple.

The pace of modern life, the insular qualities that society demands of its families, and the incredible reach of technology into our very private spaces demand a change in how we approach personal relationships.  All the wonderful things that Marley hopes to find in his one true love may be better spread out among many relationships including close family and friends.  The notion that one person can be ALL in today's society doesn't seem feasible.

And so, as life develops for we mid life divorcees, words of advice from old love songs and poems seem quaint and outdated.  It doesn't mean that our future date mates will be missing out on romance, it just means that the fairy tale has been given a good dose of realism.

Monday, January 28, 2013

Bob the Oracle

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 
― Bob Marley


“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” 
― Bob Marley


He proclaimed that his music would live forever; I believe it's his sentiments that will carry that music more so than the rhythms.  The weight of his philosophies were lessened only by the life he lived which he sought to transcend through drugs and life experience.

We meet people for particular reasons...perhaps the "Bob fan" I met was sent to cross my path so that I would be encouraged to learn more about the poet Marley.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

School is in Session

Hard truths.

Dating is NOT something I necessarily enjoy.  I have been told that I should enjoy this time as a child would in a candy shop.  Really?  When my own kids went to the candy shop, they became overwhelmed with the choices.  It was hard for them to remember what really satisfied their sweet tooth and they would end up trying out new candies that weren't necessarily to their taste.

And should we talk about the indigestion?  Too much of a good thing is still too much!

The hard truths are as follows:
  • I prefer to be a private person.  Meeting all these new folks and sharing our stories is stressful.
  • Chemistry matters!  If I don't feel that "zing," it will not matter how long we get to know each other.
  • It has been proven...if you are NOT happy when you begin a relationship, then you will NOT be happy after the initial rush is over.  FACT-That rush can last up to two years.  
  • Serial daters desensitize themselves just as a band-aid eventually loses its "sticky" once it's been lifted too many times.  I don't want to be that used up band-aid.  If I find someone who is worthy of my attention, then I have zero need to keep searching in case there is someone "better."  
  • If all parts of a man come together as the "perfect" one for you, but he doesn't believe in himself...then don't try to fix him.  It's impossible.  He needs to heal from the inside out and he may choose to never do that by NOT getting the help necessary.  It's the saddest hard truth.
Maybe the hardest thing to accept is that the list of hard truths will probably grow longer.  Our goals as humans, as "lost" mates can't be set in stone.  Adjusting one's goals and expectations isn't a weakness but a strength as we learn what we find acceptable in the strange world of being single.

Friday, January 25, 2013

Silver Linings Playbook

When I saw this movie last weekend, I felt compelled to roll it around my brain for hours afterward.  It makes complete sense now why all the main actors were nominated for awards.  Their personas captured the tapestry of a family torn asunder by the dilemma of mental health problems.

Examining the movie will provide hours of cinema critique, but examining the characters tosses us into a mirror looking back at ourselves.

How is it that LOVE makes us so blind?  Is the human instinct so powerfully ingrained that we imprint upon others regardless of imminent danger to our psyches?  One would think that Mother Nature knows what she's doing...we are chemically drawn to one another for procreation and once the familial unit is formed, our hormones continue the process of bonding so that the offspring is protected and reared appropriately.

Our societies set up systems to keep us bound to one another through religion, education, and politics.  And so, we are urged to stay in an original coupling regardless of how painful and crippling it might be for our mental stability.  Something in this movie struck a chord in me of how much suffering is required to keep those family bonds in tact.  The sacrifice of the parents for their children, the continued love from the children for these aging parents...all of it is presented in such a fashion to make we viewers question our commitments to our loved ones.

As the fog of this divorce passes, I will feel safer defining my goals with or without a partner.  My children are practically grown.  Within 16 months, both of them will be considered adults by law but as a mother, I know they won't be "cooked" for quite a while.  Mothering doesn't end ever and I can thank my own mother for that wonderful lesson.

Look for the silver lining in a dark cloud?  No, I think we should look for the silver lining of daylight once the fog rises and then it might be safe again to explore a playbook for the future.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Let it Burn

Inspiration can come from the oddest places.  Yesterday, I took some time to grieve for the "lost potential" of a relationship.  In that time I came to terms with the fact that the struggle for some people to find fulfillment might be their life long cross to bear.

And with the idea that I was meant to take something from this experience, I choose to remember the "blues."  Turning on my music channel, I hear "Let it Burn."  Yes, that fire in my belly that I like to be close to...well, I'm not going to dampen it.  Instead, these last few weeks of getting to know an individual isn't wasted, it's simply another log placed on my roaring fire of discovery.

It feels so empowering to know that I can stay true to the path I have chosen.  Those little side jaunts remind me of my children's video games.  I veer off course, fight some battles, earn scars and rewards, and when I get back on my path, my life force has been doubled!

So I listen to this song, Let it Burn, and it's not the "blues" I feel...it's the incredible power of the flame that makes me stronger.  Inspiration is a journey and what a gift I will give one day to another when they join me on this trek.

Let it burn, baby...let it burn...

BIG SMILES

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Grief

Today I grieve.

For all the cacophony that blares about our self-indulgent society, so many of us do not allow time for grief.  We are assailed with the fear that when we stop moving forward in recovery, then we stop moving at all.

I'm guilty of that and am somewhat defiant.  I have NOT wanted to stop for the grief.  The physical act of crying and wailing may be therapeutic for some but I dread its appearance.  As a sunny person, I hate the dark clouds of sorrow.  And yet, without them, how could we appreciate the brighter days?

And so I grieve.  Life didn't turn out the way I expected. I mistakenly believed in keeping my hopes at a minimum, therefore when the tide turned, I wouldn't be too disappointed.  My, how we delude ourselves as we seek inner solace.  It was the exact opposite...my heart really wanted the whole fairy tale.  I wanted it.  And it didn't come true.

What will I do?

For a bit, grief can have its way with me.  And in sturdy Appalachian fashion, I will sweep it aside again and get about finding my new fairy tale.  Darn it!  I still believe.  :-)  I believe happiness trumps grief.  I believe.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Swoosh

The sound of the bullet that I just dodged...Swoosh.  Fine, a relationship bullet but one that could have been detrimental to my forward march.  Swoosh.

As my circle widens, I know I will encounter more of these sad men who are addicted to their stories of woe.  It's much easier to convince themselves they are incapable of being in a healthy relationship than it is to actually do the hard work to be in one.  I found the grit to release myself from that kind of marriage and with the help of a wonderful counselor, I'm listening to my inner antennae and extricating myself if I have a "sense" that I'm about to succumb to that again.

I don't mind being in the firing line.  I know that to win big, one has to bet big.  GO BIG OR GO HOME is actually a good motto in the relationship world.

Gee, I better stop patting myself on my back and go about the daily business of being fulfilled...after all, somebody's got to do it for all the ones who are too scared to try.  Naughty me! ;-)



Become Vulnerable

Laura Doyle writes about intimacy when it relates to marriage but her ideas have inspired me to apply them to my new single life.

#1
Do at least 3 things a day for your own pleasure.
Now that my nest is far less occupied than in days past, it's easy to find the time and inclination to do things for me.  Admittedly, I did not concentrate on doing that since my children were born.  Yes, we women read the articles and set about the steps for self-fulfillment but really...how could I look to myself with 3 people hungry for dinner, waiting in line for homework help, and an expectant man hoping I would be ready to romp like a porn star in the bedroom.  Life doesn't mesh so well with idealistic hopes.

I have plenty of lost time to make up for and I don't spend any time regretting what I gave up for my family because what I paid out is coming back as my terrific children go about fulfilling their own dreams.

#2
Relinquish control of people that you can't control
My marriage was constantly mired in control issues.  The tug and pull of our disparate personalities kept us from pulling together toward a common goal.  In the end, our only common goal was providing a springboard for our children's future.  I have even had to further cut ties with his "divorced dating self" as he makes mistake after mistake with the kids.  I will no longer try to protect their image of him...I have accepted that controlling a perception is a lost cause.

#3
Receive gift, compliments, and help graciously
I have been a poor recipient of these things for most of my adult life.  My self-deprecation has not played well for me but now that I can see it, I have set about to change it.  I don't brush off the compliments and instead, I offer my heartfelt thanks.  I also make sure to sincerely give compliments without the expectation of  getting one back.  So many women suffer from the fallacy that they aren't worthy of the acclaim...rather than preach "girl power," perhaps we should emphasize "personality power."

#4
Respect the man you chose
This could be the secret sauce for a relationship success recipe.  Without R-E-S-P-E-C-T, it is impossible to form that circle of protective and indulgent love.  Once I realized that I could NOT regain the respect I had once held for my spouse, I was able to let go of the toxic relationship.  Now, as I explore the world of dating, I am again confronted with how to handle "respect" of another individual.  Divorcees are hurting...some of us handle it with more grace than others.  I struggle to find the appropriate amount of indulgence I can give to those who make mistakes as we traverse this strange path.

#5
Express gratitude 3 x daily
As Laura states, "gratitude has magical powers."  I feel fortunate that I am able to see the "good" in people.  I am blessed with that sixth sense of what makes another feel special.  Choosing to see the positive versus the negative and telling someone about their uniqueness makes ME feel as good as it makes them feel.  Gratuitous gratitude is NOT a good feeling though and I refuse to do it.  At least I am honest with them and myself as to when it has waned for me.  Letting someone know ONLY 3 x daily how appreciated they are seems like a low number...I hope I find that man who does so much good that I want to express my gratitude multiple times a day.

#6
Strive to be vulnerable
Women are castigated when they show their vulnerability.  "Don't be weak!  Make him work for it!"  Perhaps if I wished to be a successful "dater" rather than a fulfilled person, this would be appropriate.  The amount of pain absorbed throughout a divorce can't be understated.  Whether this pain was put upon us or we harvested it on our own makes little difference...striving to be vulnerable after that storm is a feat.

And so, as some preach about the power of forgiveness, I will move forward allowing myself to be vulnerable.  Without opening that door to pain again, I have realized that I will be unable to find happiness with another man.  A true connection, a true relationship has to be wide open for pain and pleasure.


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Morning Delight

The freshness of morning in Florida...ahhhhh, the birds, the bugs, the weight off my psyche!  HA!

Being true to oneself is probably the hardest thing to do in humanity.  Each day we are faced with struggles that pull us from our core and when we succumb to the tug, we then have to deal with the aftermath of our guilt.  I like living guilt free.  I like living close to the fire in my belly.  Being honest with myself and those I care about has an addictive quality to it.

Women are notorious for settling.  We gloss over our disappointments in hopes that the situation improves. We build pretty cages and nest appropriately with our mates and yet, happiness begins to slip away.  At my age, without the encumbrance of guilt, I can look back at a life lived successfully...but in the confines of a cage that I built myself.  I cannot lay the blame solely at my ex's feet for the failure of our marriage.  I could have thrown down the gauntlet earlier...I could have been braver...I could have been a lot of things but my own self-development had not reached those points.  And he was not interested in self development for the sake of a relationship.

But I'm being brave now. I'm not settling when it comes to the big issues just to be in the company of a man.  I'm instead being clear and honest about my needs and if those needs don't mesh with another's, then I continue alone on my path.

In answer to the oft asked question from other women..."Don't you miss just being with a man?"

And in answer...yes, of course.  But I remember the agony of being with a man and missing myself and that memory and those lessons learned sustain me.

Everything works out in the end, right?  And if it's not working out, then it must not be the end!  Life...to be continued...happy...fulfilled...and in love with myself first and foremost.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Karma's Ugliness

I'm guilty of it!  I've wished a karma visitation upon others...especially one "other" who keeps messing with my little world.  As much satisfaction as I might get short term if he were to get his karma slap...well, revenge is a dish best served cold.  I know that it wouldn't help me.

The stressful interactions I've had in the last few days dealing with his abysmal actions have played hard on my psyche.  It's a combination of guilt and anger.  I hate that an innocent loved one has to be exposed to this selfishness and I grieve that I'm not there to be a buffer of protection.

It's just a cycle that may pass soon because if it doesn't, the ugly vestiges of REVENGE will enter my brain and heart! hahahaha

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Beast

It's the nature of the beast...blogging about mid life divorce from a woman's perspective is supposed to be slanted.  

When it comes to the delicate issue of egos, men are castigated for having huge ones but it's time to acknowledge the fact that the egos of women get in the way of successful relationships.  Statistics show that far more women than men seek divorces and a fellow blogger has bravely approached this and lit the firestorm!


Early in the article, it was apparent that I had been in the kind of relationship that was unable to be salvaged by following her advice.  Nonetheless, it is excellent for women as they begin the path again and it's with that hope that I pass this along so like me, you can follow her helpful observations.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Being Mean

How is it that the mean ladies hold such sway over the opposite sex in this day and age?  One would think that with the advent of technology, a man could do a bit of research and figure out why they are drawn to the snarling, mean spirited woman who haunts their psyches.

A simple search will reveal all the mommy issues that come forth with wanting to love someone who insists they don't want the love.  Maybe it's why my ex insisted til the end of the relationship that it could be salvaged.  Maybe he even liked my horror at his actions because he thought it was a challenge that could be overcome. Being mean to him was so completely out of my nature that it almost brought me to a standstill.  With all of his failings, it was not enjoyable to make him feel bad as I pushed him away. And yet, that just flamed his ardor.  I hope his new love is helping him overcome this weakness...I don't like the thought that he could bring someone into my children's lives who wants to be mean...even if it's just to him.  I don't want them to witness that oddity.

Smiling for smiling's sake is weird, I suppose.  Just like tears that come out at  inopportune times, smiles can cause consternation in others.  "Why are you smiling?"  "What's up with you?"  "Anything I should know about?"

It's truly just a smile of happiness and a bubble that erupts spontaneously.  But I guess with today's CSI mentality, a smile isn't just a smile anymore.  And a smile at a man can carry a misconstrued message.  A recent study published in Psychology Today highlighted the social misread of the majority of men.  When men are given a smile from a woman they find attractive, they subconsciously believe that it construes sexual innuendo.  WTHopefulF???  Consistent studies prove it though.  A smile is more than a smile to that part of the male brain attached to his penis! ha ha

This study also highlights the man's need for the chase of these misconstrued sexual signals and when he gets rejected, the woman's importance grows regardless of her bitchiness.  So then begins a strange cycle of courtship...a woman becomes the bitch that the man needs to win over to tamp down that egocentric need to fulfill unrequited love from his mother.  Holy crap on a cracker!

Before I even enter the realm of how this is going to screw up my romantic life, I'm bound to correct any odd mommy issues that my own son may end up having.  The aspect of divorce in his early life could cause him to lean toward a young woman who plays coy enough to get him but can't turn it off once he's smitten.  Therein lies the problem...will he spend the rest of his life trying to satisfy a MEAN ASS woman to quiet a need to stop his mother from divorcing his father?  Arrggghhhh...this is exactly why I dropped my psychology classes!  Unfortunately, this type of scenario is prevalent in early relationships...and judging by men my age...it could STILL be an issue.

Although I don't cotton to playing hard to get (the cruelty of that game isn't my style), it has occurred without my consent.  Sadly, there are some men who take my lack of interest in pursuing a dating pattern with them as evidence that SURELY I must want to date them!  What?  Sigh.  And then there are the incredibly sweet men who were treated like crap by MEAN ASS WOMEN and now must get their heads around the fact that there are women like me...the simple nice girl who smiles just because she's happy and grateful to be around them.  Sigh again.

My weakness is when I see this happening to a man.  If they even hint at giving me some kind of drama with games or exes or the need to keep playing the field, I flee.  Fast.  And then I end up with these damned texts and phone calls.  It's not that I'm playing "hard to get," it's that I'm NOT playing at all.  I just refuse to enter into a psychological tap dance with someone who has not figured out what they want in a woman.  Maybe I should be more patient?  I have learned to read some of those early signals and the hint of indecision sends me down another path.  Patient?  Can I look past those signals and extend that second chance?  I truly don't know because that's one of those psychological issues that I have a hard time seeing...because I NEED a man's perspective.  :-)  Ohhhhh, smiley me!

Daughtry: Start of Something Good