Monday, May 13, 2013

A Lull When it Happens

I'm not sure if the change coming in my life will be stormy or sunny, but I can feel it building.  Interestingly enough, I recognize the quiet before the shift occurs.  It's a lull when it happens, a pause of energy as if a great breath is being taken for strength.

That palpable feeling of transition leaves me feeling anxious.  Part of me understands that if I quietly contemplate the changes to come then I will know exactly how to direct them.  But life is about the element of surprise.  Were I to unmask the face of it then the sorrow or joy of finding out early might be my undoing.

Intuitive analysts are eager to gather in think tanks, addressing the probabilities of what may occur in various situations.  Now that my family unit is apart, I no longer have a tank of thinkers.  I'm on my own but have been reminded by a few people lately that loneliness is just a choice, not a forgone conclusion.  Of course I have chosen loneliness for now!  How else could I lick my wounds satisfactorily?  Healing must start from within and it's my own scabs that I choose to pick or not.  

Parting the curtains, lifting the veil, revealing the center of the cool heat that is me may be the daunting task I have to face.  Yet, it's a lull when it happens...a breath of discovery than cannot be taken away...and sadly, a gift given isn't necessarily a gift wanted....


One is never too old to yearn.---An Italian Proverb






Friday, May 3, 2013

Confronting Matter Not Right

I admire souls confronting their darkness
Screaming at shadows playing by light

Fingers extended to offer forgiveness
Fists then angrily curling up tight

I admire souls confronting their lightness
Laughing at memories slipping awry

Thoughts left open in gaping awareness
Hiding in crevices of matter not right

I admire souls confronting their darkness
Crying for memories now left behind

Gray matter dissolving and tears
Are drowning the person I was 

Now matter not right


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is a daily challenge for me to face the transition that my brain undergoes.  When I first learned that my gray matter was "not right" as the doctor put it, I raged.  I was vain.  My delight in how I could extract my thoughts and then use brilliant words to express them...well, I exalted in my gift.

I don't drop to my knees now and give thanks for what I have left.  I'm not like that.  Instead, I keep an inner rage continuing so that my brain catches fire in another way...it's an odd feeling to be a stranger inside myself.  The discovery of what I can do is a daily adventure, not of my choosing, but I'm determined that those new pathways will reveal more brilliance.  

Some like to share their light...some like to flaunt their darkness...I will be happy to embrace my fire for my gray matter that is "not right."













Thursday, May 2, 2013

I'm just me...

How wise a statement from a good friend....

"I'm just me and that makes people do things."

This simple observation and powerful truth dig at our gut level responses to certain individuals.

Politicians are elected because of style over substance.

Access is granted to the genetically endowed beautiful people.

Favor is given to the intellectual magpies.

Discussion then
Analysis then
Conclusion equal the reality that narcissism exists within us to the point of denial that our "being" is another's undoing...or another's grace.


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Breathe me


Soothe me
Wash me
Warm me
Envelop me
Cool me
Breathe me
Soothe me

Be me