Saturday, March 30, 2013

"We don't pick "closed off" men because we can be close, we pick closed off men because we're AFRAID to be close. We're happy to work hard to try to break him down - because inside we KNOW it can't be done." Rori Raye

How hard it is to admit being SPOILED.

Intimacy of my emotional nature is the next hurdle.

It may take me a while to work up the strength....


Monday, March 18, 2013

Flash

Over exposed.  Saturation.  In a flash, it all becomes too much for us.

We ladies who walk alone in mid life often talk about the crushing feelings of loneliness, but can it not also be said that attention can crush us as well?  Or maybe it says more about me....

I worked at two different times in my life with groups of women and found them to be utterly exhausting as they huddled together to solve a myriad of self-proclaimed problems.  Unlike the brothers I grew up with, these ladies TALKED and fretted and thoroughly immersed themselves in the minutiae of a perceived problem.  Maddening.

My former life was filled with alone time during the day and lacked spousal attention even when he was in the house.  Long days, busy schedules, gaps of time spent apart...perhaps it acclimated me to a lonely life of my choosing.  And now that I'm in this very single life, I catch myself opting for alone time over couple time.

The entire atmosphere of dating leaves me feeling muddled.  Reading about attachment styles, gender based differences, effects of my childhood on my mate choice is enough to make me want to simply throw down the books and continue on unattached.

(a night of sleep)

And so I wake up this morning because my computer was "overcome" with a weakened battery...just as I was last night....

Reflection.  Introspection.  And smiles because I'm learning, I'm being taught that a simple rest from heavy thoughts can cure my over exposure....

It  would be nice to share my pondering with someone right now and have a warm sounding board rather than this keyboard!  :-)

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

What Women Want

It's time to make peace with my inner girl.  I forgive her for the ignorance she displayed as a 23 year old when she was unable to distinguish between chemistry and intimacy.

Looking at the photos of my young self getting married shock me.  I knew so little of the world and even less about the requirements of a mature relationship.

As a single woman now, I don't want to "make up for the mistake" of my earlier marriage.  I've learned.  I've struggled.  I've gained insight.  Perhaps I've even given birth to myself by taking on this opportunity to start anew!

It's very important now that I study the differences between a chemical attraction and the more satisfying intimate relationship.  From what I'm learning, our bodies are biologically fixed to react in a positive fashion for the sake of baby making.  Now that those days are over, I have to make a conscious effort to avert a chemical "stink" bomb!  When I feel the addictive pull toward a man for no reason other than physical...I'm stopping myself.  I'm paying attention to what is really happening between us.

Silly dating articles are full of the "romance" of chemical attraction but I'm hoping my brain gets turned on too.  In fact, I am so distrustful of the body's response that I am purposely going out with a man on a second date BECAUSE I didn't feel a strong physical response.  He was smart, funny, relatively attractive...so why didn't I feel that spark?  For me, it is worth the time to find out.

In answer to the query of "what women want," perhaps we should redirect and think about "What does a woman's body want that isn't important to a woman's brain?"

Physical, mental, and emotional health quotient...it's not just for children anymore....

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Asteroid Hit

What is divorce actually like?  I wasn't quite sure how to answer the young woman asking me but I borrowed a few lines from a cancer patient I'd heard on TV.  And true, divorce doesn't mean death as cancer might, but it is dealing with an ongoing and stressful dilemma with results unknown for quite a while.

Divorce is like getting hit by a bus.  Then after rising, getting hit by a train.  And after rising one more time and walking away, the asteroid hits.

Sounds final but the finality is actually a relief for the divorce.  Its different stages of acceptance, grief, and resolution seem to repeat themselves over and over until one day, the hit is so hard and so catastrophic that the only option is to then just get up and be happy for that being enough.

Where else is there to go after the final asteroid hit?  Maybe it's seeing the ex get remarried, go through a life trauma, or even pass away...but a point does come that the hits will no longer hurt and the falls no longer happen because of divorce but just because life makes us fall down and rise again.

Glancing over my shoulder, I'm shocked by the pot-holed road behind me.  It didn't seem quite that treacherous but it's there and I know I traveled it.  I honestly don't know how I navigated all of my falls but here I am intact.  Hearing a good friend of mine consider taking the same path gives me pause.  I know that it's survivable, painful, and I am CERTAIN that I would not choose another path...but it is difficult and not for the faint of spirit.  I spent an entire year just getting ready for the journey itself....

My path has turned to the open plains now.  It's vast and intimidating without many areas for cover.  I know how many pioneers have come before me and I know the path will be littered with their mistakes, but there is no going back.  And going forth alone is particularly scary.  What I remind myself is that it's NOT as scary as  the life I was in...being an invisible person in a marriage made for two but occupied by only one.

All this deep seeded philosophical thinking just leads me to the next step...I have to keep opening myself up to new experiences and those shall involve new men.  Is there a more naked feeling?  I will gladly pose half naked for a photographer but baring the soft underbelly of my vulnerabilities...my own spirit...now that is the kind of naked that still makes me shy!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Swoosh

I hate medical dramas and yet, I have just dodged another one!

The mind and body work as one so regardless of the fact that I have stood steadfast and strong considering my latest dilemma, I have been angry at my body for letting me down again.  That anger translated into tension and feeling tension is NOT what I want to do much in my new life.

My old adage of "fake it til you make it" only worked so far and then I called upon my friends and family to assist my psyche.  It worked.  They helped me feel TRULY better about myself and the outcome of my drama.  Seeing this circle in action has emboldened me to also look closer at how I'm conducting my dating life.

As my new girlfriend and I have discussed (we formed a divorce recovery group of 2 ), we have always considered ourselves one man at a time women.  This may have worked for us in our youth, but our current experience is showing us that it is not feasible any longer.  The advice mongers have told this over and over but we've been stubborn in our attitude.  I found this short piece which seemed to condense all their advice in one concise manner:


First, Alicia - please learn to date several men at the same time. Being serially monogamous (one man at a time) is great when we're young and learning how to be in a relationship. But when dating one man at a time results in a pattern of heartbreak, the learning isn't happening.
So, dating many men at the same time gives you a way to actually see what's going on with you. Also, when you're not tied and bonded to one man it's impossible to pressure him. You automatically create some distance between you that's real and has to do with the fun and fulfilling kind of life you have outside of your relationship.
This is authentic - and very different from the kind of avoiding and running away and pretending and yet hoping that Alicia is doing in this letter. Instead of making your life more difficult, it makes it simpler.

Wow.  I'm a dating rookie but not necessarily a relationship rookie.  I fought the "good fight" and did my best to hold together a married relationship for 23 years.  The lessons I learned from that, good and bad, will serve me well in the future.  But, I have NEVER been a successful dater.  Even in college, my pursuers were more interested in making me a girlfriend rather than a fleeting moment.  
I'm not positive if it's a moral shift or an emotional shift I will be making.  By seeing more than one fellow at a time, I automatically lose the emotional component...I certainly won't allow myself to get too close to one person BUT supposedly, I will discover the "kind" of gentleman I wish to be with long term.  Compare and contrast as it comes to men is an alien concept for me.  
SWOOSH...dodging dilemmas is becoming easier.