My recent experiences at a nursing/rehab center for the elderly haven't been easy to process. Although I observed my mother give great care to her parents as they drifted into those situations, I still didn't appreciate the scope of how it takes over one's life. Her care giving was monumental and without lapse; her sacrifices were never laid at our feet as martyrdom. Instead, she went about the daily task of caring, worrying, and taking on responsibilities that the rest of the family couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine until these last few weeks.
If someone needs a caretaker from the family, it tends to fall on the ones who live nearest. With today's mobile society, traditional family units have fractured. Our belief that the internet helps us to closely monitor the lives of our loved ones is a misnomer. It doesn't. Without physical presence, it is impossible to know what is actually happening. The nuances of body language, intuitive listening, and the simple act of observation are lost in cyber translation. For the caretaker left behind, it's a struggle to convey how troublesome some events can be to those looking beyond. Do they feel taken advantage of? I'm sure it feels that way at times. Do they feel unappreciated? How could they not...the duties are often menial and appear thankless. Instead, the far away family members get to preserve their own memories of the loved one. They won't see them as weak or scared, angry and grouchy, or downright depressed at times. Instead, they might see the grateful and happy patient who is thankful to have an infrequent visitor. But the caretaker left behind deals with the daily struggles of their loved one.
I'm the last year of the Baby Boomer generation. The Greatest Generation has mostly passed on and now we have a huge generation of aging individuals who aren't as closely connected physically with their loved ones. Seeing Florida's large population of boomer retirees who are seemingly active and happy makes me wonder who will take care of them when their bodies and minds become weak. As our society cobbles together government programs to protect the homeless, the elderly, those disadvantaged by illness or socioeconomic circumstances, it becomes ever clearer that we aren't having the conversations we need to have.
Not long ago, inflammatory pundits decried the efforts of healthcare initiatives wanting to begin the discussion of what the process of dying and DEATH means to each person. Yes, I'm saying it loudly...DEATH! By speaking up, I'm speaking forward.
Political harpies did not want to discuss it because they felt it would be the beginning of Death Squads. Their definition...purposefully ending the life of someone for the good of caretakers.
What caretakers? The government? The conglomerate health care industry? Themselves?
When I had young children, I set about learning as much as possible so that I could make informed decisions for their physical, social, and mental well being. No need to call me a helicopter parent...I was a "space shuttle" parent. Knowledge is power and I wanted to give them the tools available. By asking if they wanted me to intervene on their behalf and then hearing an adamant "NO," my two wonderful children have taken on their own struggles and are learning their own lessons. Yet I know in their upbringing, their father and I have instilled the value of KNOWLEDGE.
Now at this new stage of my life, seeing my contemporaries deal with the illness and subsequent death of loved ones, I seek knowledge. I seek power behind the facts, strength in the steps of transition, a commitment of peace after doing all that can be done to slow the drumbeat of death...if that is what the person wants. And if I hear an adamant "NO," then I'll step aside.
Death squad? Yes...a squad of helpers to assist patients in making their own decisions. Yes, a cadre of friends to help each other as events spiral out of our earthly control because I'm learning that DYING is as out of control as giving birth...nothing goes as planned. I can be a "space shuttle" parent, friend, child, and partner.
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