A Year In....

I love my naughty moments...they give me a chance to forgive myself and since that's been a rare thing in my life, being naughty is really being good to myself...??!!  :-)

That's the story I'm sticking to for now.  

My time as a blogger on the "divorce issue" is winding down.  I'm a year in and a lot of other topics are taking precedence in my life.  It will undoubtedly come up often but focusing on it is no longer a priority.  I am not contemplating a new life; I am living a new life.  And I am in the midst of discovering parts of my personality that have long been buried.

1)  Full on Barbie...I can either fight her or embrace her with a wink.  Or maybe a wink and a pinch?  As my modeling agent counsels, why not just be the perceived "girl next door?"  I come across that way, I'm comfortable with it, and it's not as easy as it looks...I am called upon to SMILE at completely stupid stuff.  I guess that's talent? ;-)

2)  Philosopher...EXCUSE ME!  I counsel my children to explore the boundaries of thought and defy the conventions of their generation.  True, I do so in a motherly fashion...I want them to do it safely and with consideration for others.  I don't want them to argue with an armed idiot nor do I want them to get jailed by a dense cop.  I want them to question the obvious and explore the alternatives.  And I have to step up and be more of a role model for them...and share these intriguing thoughts of mine....

3)  Goddess...the entire concept of sensuality has been my inner battle.  And with a great exhale, I release her, my inner goddess who offers far more conflict for some of my suitors than for me.  I will just luxuriate in the business of romance because it comes without effort and those gentleman who can't handle who I am now...they can just go handle a little less goddess.  tsk tsk tsk

4)  Adventurer...bring it on!

     

Swoosh II

Born too late for an era long past....

There's something to be said for simpler times.  I'm struggling to embrace advice for the "modern woman" and struggling to feel comfortable being a "modern" dater...but I'm finding the transition to be painful.

As a technicality, my ex did not hold me back from trying new things per se...it was the consistent picking apart of my efforts that I allowed to hold me back.  Had I been more of  "modern miss" who could stand her ground and NOT make peace, I might have had more adventures in my early life.

I just couldn't get past the sniping and that's my fault.  I did say "yes" to a mate who had already proven himself to be the expert on a multitude of topics.  And being somewhat of a perfectionist, I allowed my fears to combine with his criticism and thwart my inner adventurer.

Today I worked with him briefly to move my son from the dormitory.  What a relief that I didn't have to accompany them back to that house.  I'm happy that my son is content to do so and that I left the household intact...but oh what JOY filled me as I drove away from that place!

What I am moving toward though is still unclear.  I don't feel that BURNING desire to excel in a career.  I don't have the competitive spirit to be "the best" at any particular thing.  My skill set lies in the development of deeply felt relationships but that's probably because I was isolated.  Whether through my fault or his, it remains the case...all of the bonding and severing that I did within my marriage as we moved across the country has taken its toll.  The one constant was the main relationship, the marriage, but as it failed so did my career as chief of our team.

Where do old coaches go to die?  They don't.  But how do they pivot and follow the direction of their new compass?  How do they absorb all of the well given advice when what they really want to do is be back in a familiar place...not the old homestead but beside someone who helps them chart a path together.

It is said that danger is real but fear is an illusion.  I am marching forward to keep the fear at bay by moving...just moving.  I suppose the Scouts would say "Stay put and we'll find you," but after doing that for two plus decades, I've lost my confidence in that particular value.

As I struggle to embrace the advice of "date multiple men so that you can choose correctly," I yearn for some long ago era when it was simpler...and probably untrue.  Being with one leaves me feeling safe...being with many is stressful enough that I may just start closing the lid again.  Perhaps isolation for some isn't as bad as I think.  But it was bad enough at one time that I fled the gilded cage....

Maybe some know why the caged bird sings...I know why the bird with two broken wings still struggles to move.  Lying in the dirt exposed to the elements, exposed to the passing dangers is NOT safe and moving until the last bit of strength is in me is the only choice.  The swoosh of life keeps growing louder.

A River Runs Through It

"... life is water. It runs, slips, evaporates, changes course . . .”  George Estreich


For some, the process of blogging or journaling is therapeutic.  Recent studies show on the contrary that revisiting our entries can set back our progress.  The common wisdom of keeping a diary is making way for the new idea of writing it down then tearing it up.

I now understand why writing a memoir is so painful.  Once it's put to print, the thought of going through an editing process to get it "right" seems downright sadistic.  

These last few weeks without writing have given me space to grieve.  My subconscious acknowledgement of the anniversary time frame I've entered preys upon my psyche regardless of my wishes.

Last year at this time I was in a state of euphoria.  Pride filled me as I took charge of my own destiny.  Fear took a back seat to action and I barreled my way through to a new life.  It was enlightening.  

And it continues to be a rebirth of sorts and also the rearing of old fears.  At one time, my greatest fear was that I would die the loneliest woman ever while married.  I now know that multitudes of women have/had that fear as well.  It seemed so wasteful to carry on a dead relationship when all I wanted was to be touched at a deeper level...to be understood and cherished and made to feel safe.  My ex may never evolve to that kind of person OR he may be exactly the kind of man that another woman is looking for and fulfills her in ways that he could never do with me.

And so I write again to explore my progress.  I have to depend on myself to find that deeper level for evolution.  I have to make myself feel cherished, respected, and wanted.  Most of all, I have to release the idea that a man will come forward to help me with these things.

No one could have explained to me that divorce is really about facing our fear of solitude.  Once we are completely alone, the reflection in the mirror can be haunting.  Solitude equals truth and as I'm meeting its test, I'm facing the fact that being alone may be my lot in life.  

Alone in a marriage or simply alone in life.  Let the internal debate begin.