Teacher

Who's teaching who?  The longer I am a parent, the more I realize the roles are being reversed as I watch my children share their lessons of youth.

My daughter is showing incredible grit as she faces the basketball court each day.  Her team's chance of winning grows less and less as the season progresses.  Still, she gives 110% each game and stays hopeful that things will turn around.  110%   That kind of effort keeps me motivated.  I certainly haven't felt like facing my challenges lately and yet, how can I think of giving less than what my daughter does as she faces her losing season.

Perhaps her biggest lesson is showing me how to relax in front of the boob tube.  Who knew that watching RuPaul's Drag Race, a transgender beauty contest, could collapse us into a ball of girlish giggles as we wish for our very own Gay Man Best Friend for Christmas.  Not a chance...ha ha ha!

My son will admit that he has lived a privileged life and still, he has a sense of what he must do to replicate it as an adult.  Finding his passion in the martial arts has given him a dilemma that he faces a few times a week. The kid who drove a BMW and a DeLorean in high school, now takes the city bus to his beloved karate studio.  It's a 3 hour trek round trip.  Sure, choosing public transportation is something countless students do daily and may not be counted as special but seeing my kid accept it without complaint so that he can continue his passion gives me great hope.  The lesson is simple...the path to a passion lies in the wanting of it, not in the way we get to it.  The wanting carries us even as obstacles lie in our path.

Car Wreck

Seeing someone you love make poor choices is incredibly HARD to watch.  It's the equivalent of watching a car wreck in slow motion.  The end result is never good and the pain of it blasts a hole in your heart.

We seek partners who will be "caution" signs as we travel this weird highway of life.  As either one of us veers too close to the edge or starts to cross the center line, our partner steers us back into the proper lane.  At least it's supposed to work like that.

2012 has certainly been among the toughest stretches of highways I have had to traverse and done it without a partner.  I haven't been alone...friends and family have been incredible aids, but humans seem to really want a partner; our loneliness is matched only by our recklessness as we seek our other halves.

In the year since I've been dealing with my life transition, I've tried to stay in my lane.  My counselor has helped propel me through the roughest patches.  Without her guidance, I'm sure I would literally be in a ditch somewhere.  But I'm not and I won't be.  As I learn to listen to my instincts again, I feel safe knowing that I am avoiding the car wrecks that others are getting perilously close to...and there's nothing I can say or do that seems to help them.

So I question myself.

"Am I giving up too soon on a potential partner?"
"How many times should I ignore what my gut is telling me?"
"Do I feel like a better person by having them in my life?"

Answers that I have come to....

"There is a time limit on patience as I see a lack of motivation to evolve."
"If I keep ignoring those messages, they will eventually dull again and I'll be trapped in a dead end relationship."
"Worrying about someone too much takes away the joy I've worked so hard to find.  It should be a mutual and a natural joy that I find with someone."

Ever forward...I'm choosing to keep moving forward in the correct lane and avoiding those ditches no matter how many around me choose to drive into them.

Follydays

It's a grand thing to sit in this beautiful Florida warmth and know that the follydays are just around the corner.   I have no sentimental yearnings for snow and ice as I navigate my way through the next couple months.  I love the warmth of the sun versus the sting of cold air.

Feeling the tug at my heart during this year's Halloween, I'm actually worried now about my reaction to not having my kids all through the Thanksgiving and Christmas season.

Part of it is finding my nest emptying and the other part...just a nostalgia for simpler times.  I don't miss the compulsive nature of my old mate when it comes to meal, party, or gift preparation.  I can sense that my kids miss me as part of the craziness at their house.  What they can't understand is how toxic those critiques of my efforts slowly corroded my self esteem.

I can happily screw up now and be a part of a holiday that isn't so stressful or perfect.  Was it just folly that I thought it would get better one day?  Maybe not folly...after all, it is getting better!

Pl(f)acebook

Social media is freakish for we introverts.  Namely, it allows us to finally expose our true selves...or does it?  In the name of keeping my far flung friends/family informed of my daily life, I've succumbed to the lure of Facebook and Twitter.

I thought that it would be helpful as I navigate my new life.  Instead, it spurs more questions.  Part of me wants to abandon the sites...I think that may be impossible though.  As a closet introvert, I've found myself "coming out" more than ever and am wondering if this is how extroverts feel.  Do they freely touch others with such abandon?

My closest friends know that I purposely push myself out of the box.  I'm a true believer in the motto:  "Fake it til you make it"

I thought this sense of modesty and shyness would be easier to overcome with age.  It isn't.  In order to bridge the gap between my sense of shyness and the big awful world...I'm getting worried that there is no "make it" to get to.  This is probably just how I am going to be.  Yikes...probably halfway through life and I'm just now figuring this out? haha

The General

I ache for General Petraeus and his wife tonight.  Bad news doesn't get any better with age so he came clean as soon as it was apparent that his affair was going public.  

The horrible and incomprehensible wars that our country has endured lately have been in the hands of this man.  He has been an "alpha" male in every sense of the word.  Alas, being an alpha puts a man in positions where his ego gets stroked on a regular basis and eventually, he needs stroking of another kind.  Not knowing what has transpired with his wife, it becomes even more necessary to give them the benefit of the doubt.

It's something I did not get...the benefit of my side of the story.  Because I left the family home and did not try to force friends to "choose" between the ex and myself, I'm sure many of them believe I was the root cause of the divorce.  And although I wasn't the initial cause, my lack of gumption to force a resolution years ago led to my rapid-fire decision to get the bad news out and the pain settled as quickly as possible.  The world I had been living in didn't appreciate that and in trying to keep some semblance of privacy for our children, I was left hanging out to dry in many cases.

A man as honorable as General Petraeus may never fully recover emotionally from this slide into dishonor.  That is a shame.  He has undoubtedly suffered as he brought pain to his loved ones and those who have held him in high esteem.  All of us are human, though and are filled with regrets when we cause others to suffer.  Even though my ex put me through years of agony, I still feel bad that I have caused him hurt.  I cannot understand why some ex-wives actually enjoy making their exes suffer.  It's a simple formula...what we put out is what we get back.  

I want to put out compassion and hope that somehow it will come back to me from someone.  Sounds juvenile, but really, sanity requires it.  Hurting someone else on purpose is the epitome of evil...hard for me to comprehend.

I don't know when the General will feel better.  Folks tell me that it gets easier every day...I suppose...and I hope.  Most days I just hate feeling alone and vulnerable.  Having a mate can be both stressful and a de-stressor.  It's a fine line known as love and passion and veering on either side of it can send either person into a tailspin.  My head is dizzy because the tailspin has arrived.

"...just the best for you..."

When the conversation begins with a statement from a friend with the idea of "just the best for you," then it's time to stiffen one's spine and expect a lecture.  Some friends are like that...their concern for you during rough times becomes somewhat frenetic.

The multitude of opinions concerning my love life have come forth in droves.  As one friend shared, "Lisa, you've won the jackpot!  You're free to date as much as you want.  You don't have to deal with an asshole for more than one date!  Because you paid your dues, you now have the money and time to do whatever you want to do...."  And then I get the advice of what I should do.

Living away from friends and family for all these years has added an element of mystery to my life.  Regardless of what I share, they always suspect there is more going on with me.  They've been right!  Dear friends who are teetotalers never heard about the crazy parties in the neighborhoods.  My crazy friends in those cul de sacs didn't believe how angelic I could be.  The jock group loved how I was Miss Rough and Tumble and could be in the sports scene so easily.  My girlie girls raved about my ability to be uber feminine.  And oh, those business people...I couldn't have been a better corporate wife, a more professional volunteer and reliable contractor in the decorating scene.

So I've paid my dues and have the time and money to be whoever I want now?  Funny, to make everyone else happy, I've just been the person they want me to be.  We are all chameleons to a point...I've just had the luxury of leaving my personas behind.  Almost like the new kid in school, I've been able to alter myself just enough to fit in anywhere.  Where that leaves me now is pondering how to be simply me.

All those joyous friends of mine "just want the best for me" and have strong opinions of what that might be...they just don't realize how many people I've had to be to simply survive this crazy life.  Who they knew was probably different than the Lisa in a previous state.  And so it goes as they pass judgment on who I ought to see now romantically...the professional, the jock, the educator...endless suggestions with introductions at the ready.  After all, everyone knows somebody who has moved to Florida!

I'm disappointing these friends now as I dodge their introductions from afar.  I'm choosing to indulge myself...no more acting.  This time I get to be a bit of every Lisa without committing to just one.  I get to choose someone that is willing for me to be versatile...goofy, distracted, enthusiastic and sometimes, sad.  I get to be sad now with support...it's incredibly difficult to be the "happy person" for two plus decades.  What a relief.  :-)

Bender

It just doesn't do much for women...excess alcohol.  The health benefits of a daily glass have been proven, but I can't find anything touting the benefits of over-indulging on a regular basis.

Looking at myself this morning, I see an exhausted body that had to contend with too much alcohol...something I had not asked it to deal with for six years!  My system is carefully balanced with medicine, body mass, and exercise.  By introducing excessive toxins into that frail system, I've sent it into rebellion!

And now as I hydrate myself with beautiful, clean, purified water...I vow to NOT hurt my body again.  I forgive myself for this transgression (silly girl) and look forward to many more enjoyable events minus the alcohol..."blame it on the alcohol" haha

Release the Fantasy

I have a placard hanging on the wall beside my bed..."All Things are Possible if you BELIEVE."  It sounds sappy but it deserves merit.  Sometimes, stretching our belief system is the only way to convince ourselves that we will reach what seems an implausible goal.

Making room in my psyche to release the fantasy of "happily ever after" occurred long ago when it came to my marriage.  Fortunately, I still BELIEVE it can happen with someone else...maybe a few someones...after all, I expect to live to 100+ which means I may outlive a couple more men!  ha ha

Banishing an unhealthy fantasy has been difficult lately.  I've allowed someone to stay closely connected to me throughout this divorce process who has clouded my vision.  Because of the pain and disillusionment, I  didn't let myself see this as a toxic relationship.  I convinced myself that the boundaries we had set up were adequate.  They weren't.  And now that I've firmly communicated how the lines are drawn, the friendship has been withdrawn.

Maybe I projected a fantasy onto this person that made them into a character I wanted as my friend.  One would think that the number of life altering events I've been through would better prepare me for handling outside influence.  It hasn't.  It didn't.  Instead, I try to keep my sunniest attitude that a person's actions don't always reflect their true character...their circumstances keep them from being their best....

It's time I face the fact.  I haven't had the best character myself during this process and it's meant that I've drawn people to me who are also lacking in character.  Character is what one does when no one else is looking...I'm looking at myself now and I want boundary lines drawn.  I want there to be distance between myself and people who are consciously making those poor decisions.

The time for character is now in my life.  If I have to be without certain "friends" to achieve that, I will.