The Wheel

Why reinvent the wheel?  Because we want to make it better.  Why do we want to make it better?  Because humanity's instincts demand it and it is inescapable.  Each life, each progression carries us along this river of evolution and without fail, those of us who try to escape the current are drawn back to continue the journey...at least those of us who are committed to the ideal of expanding one's humanity.

We are compelled to seek a meaningful life as doing otherwise turns us into apathetic survivors who fail those unable to reach life's bountiful river.  For those individuals who did not win the genetic or geographic lottery, it is morally criminal to NOT strive for happiness and fulfillment.

Hopes and dreams for each other depend on someone to reach the peak showing the way.  The definition of happiness or success varies but the pathway up the mountain looks similar for everyone.

I can abide by those who fail trying...I cannot stomach those who fail to try.

A meaning for life is simple for me.  I get up and try to progress each day in honor of every soul who wasn't given a chance to try.

Why reinvent life?  Because I want to make it better.  Why do I want to make it better?  Because I've been fortunate enough to have the chance to do so.

Love. Just.

There is poetry to a simple experience...falling in love with the person you were always meant to love.

Complicated language is unnecessary, artistic creations are superfluous, the act itself makes one "right their ship" in a nano second.

Tonight I enjoy the Florida rain, the floating jazz in my apartment, the wafting smell of a gourmet dinner prepared for one.  The beaujolais chilled, the ambiance exceptional and the company of one who I have always known but never loved is present.

This assault of love on my senses may have come from nowhere but its destination has always been for my mind and heart.

I could lose years of my future trying to understand why it has taken me so long to recognize this being, but I won't waste another second.

Instead, I embrace this love, this adoration, this acceptance of ME...imperfect and improbable me.

Love.  Finally.  Myself.

And now to the next fifty years...no longer alone and now in peace.

Veil of Vulnerability

Addicts must hit ROCK bottom before recovery begins.  For those of us who struggle with our emotional selves, what bottom must we hit?

Should it be soft to consume our pain?  Slippery to send us off into another dimension of denial?

Where is the mysterious place for individuals who keep their outer selves controlled and their inner vulnerabilities carefully veiled?

I imagine that there are more of us in the latter category.  We maintain our auras of normalcy through mundane challenges, countless life transitions and an endless dedication of making everyone else's life move smoothly.

Exposing our pain is like donning a veil of vulnerability.  We allow it to be seen so that we can't be faulted for hiding.  And yet we hide behind it anyway.

It is a strange feeling to be exposed and still be hidden.

And so I ask myself, my psyche, my being...how naked is it I must be for the deepest healing to begin?

Response+Ability: Janay Rice

The current hot topic of domestic abuse in the media, the country, is being bandied about like a poorly played badminton game.  It's a game of hits and misses based on one's ability to predict the power needed to return a serve without that serve being fouled.

Our discussion is fouled with the Ray Rice incident.  We have entered the court of public opinion and the opinionated are championing their views to validate what?  Their intelligence?  Their compassion?  Has it become another media game for ratings?  It appears so.

Our society apparently needs to see this as the ratings wars are bearing fruit.  We are watching the sad video, listening to other victims, taking sides and taking up the topic of domestic abuse...again.  It is a story that is unending.  The weak are preyed upon by the strong in a society that values strength.  After all, we are questioning the strength of the victim now.

Why isn't she standing up and leaving?  Shouldn't she take responsibility for her life?  But that is the crux of the problem.

Abuse.  Response.  Ability.  Her ability to respond in a sane, mature manner has been stymied by a predictable story of "love."

Rather than enter the same venue as the pundits, I will instead say with full authority that the "love story" she is NOT involved in is the love for herself.  But I think it will come for her one day as it has for so many others.  When the bottom is hit and hopefully, she survives it, she will find the strength to love herself and detach from this relationship.

Her RESPONSE will occur because her ABILITY to save herself comes with self-love...something that so many of us women learn about later rather than earlier.

Done With the Doing

It is hard for me to measure the scale of change that my life has undergone in the past decade.  Had I known what was to come then, I might have cowered under the covers and not peeked out until the process was complete.  Of course, the main lesson I have learned is that life is CONSTANT CHANGE!  As much as I wish for it to remain static so that I can "enjoy" the moment, it is as fluid as running water.

I return to journal entries from those early days of upheaval...the move from one state to another, the medical drama, the failure of my spouse, another move to a state far away and finally, the separation from my mate....

What I can see is a struggle to understand myself as I pivot from one drama to the next.  Had I brought these events on by my own action, then the understanding might have come more naturally.  But I did not.  And I was left with reacting responsibly, maturely, and with compassion for how it would affect my children.  My children were my saving grace.  Their needs far outweighed my own and by providing a stable environment for them, I gave myself some time to cope with life's mysteries.  Instinctively, I knew that my own happiness was tied tightly to their own and now that they've left the nest successfully, I can rest more easily as I manage my own happiness.

Today, a counselor that I have visited during difficult times reminded me of a goal I ignore too often...becoming better at doing NOTHING!  ha ha  Or as she said, "...being done with the doing."  Even my visit to her is more of a friendly visit without a checklist for accomplishments.  Progress then is being made.  

Action.  Performance.  Achievement.  Repeat.

It is difficult for me to break this routine.  

I have even applied it to finding new romance in my life...as if it were a test of my abilities....

I am not scared of being alone as that's how I've found myself mostly in the last two years.  Perhaps I must admit to being fearful of failure...failure to live up to what society expects of a middle aged, divorced, empty nested woman!  Why was I basing my life goals on what was expected versus what I needed?  Today I was reminded that I don't need that answer to move forward.  I can simply acknowledge it and observe its broader meaning in culture.

Done with doing.  I feel done with trying to fit a mold.  I can't "live up" to the self-help gurus expectations because they're NOT me.  

Much to the chagrin of the reality TV crowd, I will not be a partying mid life woman carousing with a multitude of men.  I tried to think that way and it's not my life's path.  Instinct tells me that I am meant to hold one hand and celebrate within the safety-comfort-love of one other...not many.  

Done with the doing.  Now just happy to be feeling.