Become Vulnerable

Laura Doyle writes about intimacy when it relates to marriage but her ideas have inspired me to apply them to my new single life.

#1
Do at least 3 things a day for your own pleasure.
Now that my nest is far less occupied than in days past, it's easy to find the time and inclination to do things for me.  Admittedly, I did not concentrate on doing that since my children were born.  Yes, we women read the articles and set about the steps for self-fulfillment but really...how could I look to myself with 3 people hungry for dinner, waiting in line for homework help, and an expectant man hoping I would be ready to romp like a porn star in the bedroom.  Life doesn't mesh so well with idealistic hopes.

I have plenty of lost time to make up for and I don't spend any time regretting what I gave up for my family because what I paid out is coming back as my terrific children go about fulfilling their own dreams.

#2
Relinquish control of people that you can't control
My marriage was constantly mired in control issues.  The tug and pull of our disparate personalities kept us from pulling together toward a common goal.  In the end, our only common goal was providing a springboard for our children's future.  I have even had to further cut ties with his "divorced dating self" as he makes mistake after mistake with the kids.  I will no longer try to protect their image of him...I have accepted that controlling a perception is a lost cause.

#3
Receive gift, compliments, and help graciously
I have been a poor recipient of these things for most of my adult life.  My self-deprecation has not played well for me but now that I can see it, I have set about to change it.  I don't brush off the compliments and instead, I offer my heartfelt thanks.  I also make sure to sincerely give compliments without the expectation of  getting one back.  So many women suffer from the fallacy that they aren't worthy of the acclaim...rather than preach "girl power," perhaps we should emphasize "personality power."

#4
Respect the man you chose
This could be the secret sauce for a relationship success recipe.  Without R-E-S-P-E-C-T, it is impossible to form that circle of protective and indulgent love.  Once I realized that I could NOT regain the respect I had once held for my spouse, I was able to let go of the toxic relationship.  Now, as I explore the world of dating, I am again confronted with how to handle "respect" of another individual.  Divorcees are hurting...some of us handle it with more grace than others.  I struggle to find the appropriate amount of indulgence I can give to those who make mistakes as we traverse this strange path.

#5
Express gratitude 3 x daily
As Laura states, "gratitude has magical powers."  I feel fortunate that I am able to see the "good" in people.  I am blessed with that sixth sense of what makes another feel special.  Choosing to see the positive versus the negative and telling someone about their uniqueness makes ME feel as good as it makes them feel.  Gratuitous gratitude is NOT a good feeling though and I refuse to do it.  At least I am honest with them and myself as to when it has waned for me.  Letting someone know ONLY 3 x daily how appreciated they are seems like a low number...I hope I find that man who does so much good that I want to express my gratitude multiple times a day.

#6
Strive to be vulnerable
Women are castigated when they show their vulnerability.  "Don't be weak!  Make him work for it!"  Perhaps if I wished to be a successful "dater" rather than a fulfilled person, this would be appropriate.  The amount of pain absorbed throughout a divorce can't be understated.  Whether this pain was put upon us or we harvested it on our own makes little difference...striving to be vulnerable after that storm is a feat.

And so, as some preach about the power of forgiveness, I will move forward allowing myself to be vulnerable.  Without opening that door to pain again, I have realized that I will be unable to find happiness with another man.  A true connection, a true relationship has to be wide open for pain and pleasure.