There's something to be said for simpler times. I'm struggling to embrace advice for the "modern woman" and struggling to feel comfortable being a "modern" dater...but I'm finding the transition to be painful.
As a technicality, my ex did not hold me back from trying new things per se...it was the consistent picking apart of my efforts that I allowed to hold me back. Had I been more of "modern miss" who could stand her ground and NOT make peace, I might have had more adventures in my early life.
I just couldn't get past the sniping and that's my fault. I did say "yes" to a mate who had already proven himself to be the expert on a multitude of topics. And being somewhat of a perfectionist, I allowed my fears to combine with his criticism and thwart my inner adventurer.
Today I worked with him briefly to move my son from the dormitory. What a relief that I didn't have to accompany them back to that house. I'm happy that my son is content to do so and that I left the household intact...but oh what JOY filled me as I drove away from that place!
What I am moving toward though is still unclear. I don't feel that BURNING desire to excel in a career. I don't have the competitive spirit to be "the best" at any particular thing. My skill set lies in the development of deeply felt relationships but that's probably because I was isolated. Whether through my fault or his, it remains the case...all of the bonding and severing that I did within my marriage as we moved across the country has taken its toll. The one constant was the main relationship, the marriage, but as it failed so did my career as chief of our team.
Where do old coaches go to die? They don't. But how do they pivot and follow the direction of their new compass? How do they absorb all of the well given advice when what they really want to do is be back in a familiar place...not the old homestead but beside someone who helps them chart a path together.
It is said that danger is real but fear is an illusion. I am marching forward to keep the fear at bay by moving...just moving. I suppose the Scouts would say "Stay put and we'll find you," but after doing that for two plus decades, I've lost my confidence in that particular value.
As I struggle to embrace the advice of "date multiple men so that you can choose correctly," I yearn for some long ago era when it was simpler...and probably untrue. Being with one leaves me feeling safe...being with many is stressful enough that I may just start closing the lid again. Perhaps isolation for some isn't as bad as I think. But it was bad enough at one time that I fled the gilded cage....
Maybe some know why the caged bird sings...I know why the bird with two broken wings still struggles to move. Lying in the dirt exposed to the elements, exposed to the passing dangers is NOT safe and moving until the last bit of strength is in me is the only choice. The swoosh of life keeps growing louder.
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