Half of a Whole

Dealing with anger when it comes to the ex is far harder than I expected.  Expressing it doesn't make me feel better because that just means I am FEELING it and I don't want to.  I prefer numbness when it comes to the ex.  So much time was wasted processing those painful experiences...I hate facing any more drama.

I try to convince myself that ours is a non-acrimonious parting of the ways and then...something rears its painful head and the angst is tossed right back in our faces.  In the strangest fashion, my body reacts just as it always did when we argued.  The tension and stress transport me quickly and I'm surprised by my visceral reaction.  I wonder how much time must pass before this leaves us...he certainly reacts the same way.

Being half of what was once whole and listening to the "experts" preach that we are all whole unto ourselves is a bunch of crap.  Mother Nature didn't provide the hormones and subsequent emotions to make us feel whole once we parted...especially for two people who have essentially been together their entire adult lives!  Statistics show that men are so profoundly affected by this that they often jump back into a serious relationship to avoid coping with the wound.  Women, who most often say they were lonely in the marriage anyway, have a bit more practice on the emotional front but we get there...our need to move in tandem with another moves us forward.  Unfortunately, moving forward into a swamp of poor choices and emotional upheaval without doing the hard work on our psyches is a quick way to be back at the starting line.

Perhaps the lesson learned with this latest argumentative session with the ex is that both of us are trying to traverse the swamp in our own ways.  Those ways that rub so raw against each other are why we are on different paths.  We are crossing the great divide with the same goal...inner peace and a "piece" of happiness but no longer shared.  It's still difficult when those paths converge at times.