The Circle of Fathers

I always imagined that the kind of father I longed for was a fairy tale character.  Curiosity rules as I observe father/daughter interactions in public.

Are they happy together?  Do they talk and dream and plot silly things?  Will he support her decisions and will she forgive his mistakes?

My own daughter struggles confronting the fragility of her relationship with her father just as I did.  How did this occur and why couldn't we break this sad circle?  The answer lies with who I chose to marry and how I played out similar scenarios with him - a complete cycle of ineffective communication.

John Steinbeck wrote a beautiful letter about love and its effects to his eldest son Thom.  For a man who had finally found peace with his third wife, it's particularly poignant and sweet.

New York
November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First — if you are in love — that’s a good thing — that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second — There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply — of course it isn’t puppy love.

But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it — and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone — there is no possible harm in saying so — only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another — but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Fa

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"Nothing good gets away."  

I will take Steinbeck's fatherly advice and remember that although he isn't my father, his words matter and nary a fairy tale need suffer.  :-)