Literally Speechless

It seems I'm becoming more "speechless" than not when it comes to understanding how the opposite sex handles relationships.  Friends and family warned me that it might be better to stay in a bad marriage rather than confront the dating scene in midlife.  My ex husband even used it as an excuse for us staying together rather than confronting the ugliness.  

My observations in the last couple of weeks have me wondering if midlife men have gone mad.  I might surmise that it's just the ones I meet were it not for the fact that so many other women speak about similar circumstances.  

And what is the common theme that keeps popping up in these stories?  Fear.  And it's not the women's fear!  I had NO IDEA that so many men operate with fear as their guiding emotion.  Not love, not passion but absolute fear of being vulnerable and open. 

I guess I'm showing up late to this party of knowledge.  My perception now seems rather quaint and outdated...I truly believed that at this stage of life, it was we single women who were the most fearful.  After all, our looks fade, our careers have suffered while rearing families, our health begins the long transition of menopause, and we tend to be the main caregivers of our aging parents.  Amid that, it's often divorce that has catapulted us to this point and there is the messiness of broken hearts.  

Tonight I learned that a man who was wooing me no less than six months ago had married.  He had been quite forthright that he felt pressured to marry his previous girlfriend regardless of the fact that he didn't feel "in love" with her.  And so he had begun again because he didn't like being alone.  Hmmmm?  Who does?  But I don't use that as an excuse to date someone and listening to my inner voice, I asked a simple question and his answer..."No, I don't think I loved either my ex wife, my old girlfriend or any woman.  I just don't think I can do that."  It was really quite easy for me to not see him again after that.  His last entreaty was at Christmas but not one that I cared to return as his attitude of fear was the same.  

I find out tonight that he has just married the girlfriend he didn't love.  She now has a husband and he doesn't have to be alone.  I will be the cynic and believe that fear guided them both to the altar.  Perhaps this is success  as both their needs are met and I will not judge their union.

It does make me feel more earnest about my own journey though.  Fear kept me trapped in a relationship for half my life but it will be love that guides my second half.  I will work doubly hard to cast aside my cynicism when fear rears itself BUT I will pay great heed to my inner voice when it warns of insincerity.   Perhaps the only love I will get to hold will be that of my family and myself and yet, hope endures.