I am, I will, I do.

My mother passed along that phrase.  As I have been reading her father's diaries, I see that "doing" has always been important within her family.  Day by day, my grandfather listed his "done" list and rarely do I read of his emotional side.  It's important to recognize my family's emphasis on filling a day with chores.  I find myself doing the same thing and with that, I find myself feeling guilty if I've let an hour pass without accomplishing something.

And now the crux of the issue...I'm struggling to give myself permission to simply take the time "to be."  The research is clear and arguments against it are useless as history proves the theory correct.  Great insight and discovery happen when the brain is allowed to rest from its multi-tasking fury.

I am, I will, I BE?

Besides my family's influence, my own motivation is to set and reach goals.  With that comes unconscious planning and I'm off to complete tasks.  Since I deal with my wildly fluctuating creative instincts, I'm comfortable with starting and pausing tasks but not to the point that my surroundings are disturbed.  Instead, I keep a mental "junk drawer" that calls my name and propels me back to work.  As a stay at home mother, my home appeared clean and orderly, the children well kept, the husband and pets content, and I was the calm mother and wife.  Unfortunately, we know that the fairy tale of living that life is more horror story.  I buried my disappointment and stress when life's daily events went awry.  My coping skill was denial. Since I wasn't bringing home a pay check, I tried to do every other job possible to maintain the homestead as my contribution.  That meant there were a lot of daily disappointments and I was hyper sensitive to my husband's criticism.  Yes, he was "only trying to help me do it better" most times, but with the overwhelming amount of work that I put on myself, I could only hear that it was wrong.  We certainly needed communication assistance but alas, it never happened.

Perfectionism remains my struggle.  Although I have made tremendous strides in keeping it at bay and accepting its influence in my life, the side effect is guilt.  Intellectually, I know that it should not be so...mentally, I back away from certain behaviors...emotionally, I attach guilty feelings to my non goal achieving activities.

Just BE instead of Just Do It?

Just BE.

Guilt free.

A worthy goal....