Precipice

I'm not proud of my cowardly feelings when looking at future's edge.  Truth be told, I just can't paint a pretty picture of my pure and simple fright.

"Jump into the unknown, step forward with the pain, embrace the mystery...."  I've chanted those mantras time and again to get past my cowardice.  It worked but it still doesn't mean I liked abandoning security.  I'm not even sure why I keep pushing myself to be uncomfortable.  Maybe I'm aware that one aspect of my being has not been pushed enough and finally...finally, I'm ready to approach the edge and challenge my pock-marked brain to exercise its intellect once again.

At life's midpoint, I'm happy with my physical prowess.  I am sure in my ability to continue my path to lifetime fitness.  Emotionally, my development is on a great trajectory for growth and maturity.  With the aging of my parents and children, I'm positive that I will be tested but I'm comfortable with asking for help and I'm secure with the relationships I have in place to help me handle life's unexpected dramas.

Physical.  Emotional.  Mental.  That final piece of the triad has gone untested for so long that I fear it has atrophied to an unrecoverable point.  My mental acuity has taken the hardest hit from my monster, MS.

I have to explore the unknown aspects of my ravaged brain.  A neurological psychologist helped me with the baseline 3 years ago or should I say he dropped the "brain bomb" in my lap.

Black holes.  Some of my lesions turned into what the MRI techs call black holes which simply means that NOTHING shows up on the scan.  It's lost...forever.

"But you look so good."  "I can't believe you have it!"  "Oh, yours isn't so bad."  "I forget things too.  No big deal."

Black holes.  I grieve for them.  I wonder what part of my memory/knowledge disappeared and I'm frustrated that I can't know what I    do    not    know. . . .

My limbs are intact.  I'm mobile.  I'm lucid.  I am ABLE rather than being DISabled.

Yet I grieve at having black holes and feel guilty for the grief.

Grief.  Guilt.  Fright.  I'm tired of hosting them on a daily basis in my back room psyche.  Exorcising these demons means I must exercise my brain and face my deficits.  Scary place...grey matter with black holes.

But into its depths I must go and find the release valve.

#fearlessMS