Guidance

Seeking help for one's mental or emotional state brings up a lot of questions in the conservative area from where I hail.  Exposure of that kind of weakness should bring about a circling of the wagons from loved ones and friends but oftentimes, the hushed whispers of disapproval abound in the community.

With that upbringing, it took quite a while for me to actually seek guidance from a counselor.  I was distrustful and skeptical especially when medication was mentioned as a remedy but I'm so thankful for the doctor who did suggest it.  My sunny disposition takes a lot of rain to make the clouds appear but I can clearly remember when the clouds set in and stayed.  My youngest was a sensitive toddler and the hoops that I had to jump through to keep a peaceful home were getting more numerous.  I wanted my household to be a refuge of happiness for all of us.

I had grown up hearing adults argue and harsh tones as the norm so I was even more determined to stop recycling old behaviors.  My personal physician knew that I wasn't myself and with a simple questionnaire and his own observations, he pronounced me mildly depressed.  That didn't make sense---I was living the fairy tale!  But some days were like Grimm's....

Because we were moving all over the country with  bonding and severing taking place in my friendships, I found it difficult to find a like minded soul.  Now I know how many were also quietly looking for affirmation from another.  Young mothers and wives left to navigate without the help of nearby friends or family...it is a difficult time.  Plus, I was convinced that it would pass.  And it truly did but I wasn't able to wean myself off the medicine and it was such a tiny dose!  The lowest milligram possible halved even then...so why couldn't my body adjust?  If I had been brave enough to reach out to a professional counselor/therapist instead of just an internist, I would have learned about the physiology of mood disorders.  Brain chemistry, hormones, stress, physical duress---all of it plays a pivotal role in the our emotional/mental health.  Plus, I actually do live seeking the bright side of everything.

Roughly 8 years after my introduction to "happy pills," I was diagnosed with MS.  It was then that I heard about my body's inability to hold Vitamin D, an important component of happiness chemistry, and apparently, it had been happening for a while.  Without Vit D, I had developed osteopenia with the chance of it becoming osteoporosis at 42!  Before menopause!  The wake up call about my physical challenges started me down the path of exploration for my mental and emotional well being.  Plus, MS was a depressing diagnosis at first.

My gut instinct had originally told me that the mild depression wasn't about how I processed life's events; it was about my body's inability to fit all the puzzle pieces together to consistently keep my mood in proper perspective.  I no longer felt guilty about taking that tiny happy pill and I regret my past angst because it truly wasn't the fault of my sunny disposition.  The logical reason was physical and I'm thankful for modern medicine to help me sort it out.

But a pill does not fit all the variables of life's ups and downs.  And so, as I entered the realm of divorce, I realized that it was time to find a professional to help navigate its difficult path. I'm grateful knowing that she is available as a touchstone for my happiness.  Looking outside oneself is difficult and having an unbiased person provide feedback is invaluable.  After visiting her last week, we realized it had been 16 months since our last session.  It's encouraging that once a goal is reached, maintenance can be simple with a positive attitude and good doctors.