Most of all, I served as a super hostess for corporate events and made my guests feel welcomed and special.
Because my last name is Stewart, I even convinced some folks that Martha was my cousin and entertaining was "in the family." Yes, I eventually told them the truth but it was a fun way to break the ice.
The fact is that I haven't focused on making sure I have a good time for such a long time that I've forgotten how to do it! What even makes me have a good time? ha ha I convinced myself that the "joy" of giving fun to others was all I needed for my own joy. Busted! I brain-washed myself into believing that crap rather than do the work to find out what made me feel joyous. I hurt myself by not giving to myself. Guilty and not even Jewish to blame for it...where did this refusal to take part in my own social development come from?
That answer is TBD and not something I'm even going to explore; I have far too much playing to do. And I have to go play by myself which is intimidating but necessary. It was far easier to hide behind the needs of others' than to advocate for my own. Now it's just me who determines the direction of the compass and I'm scared of floundering.
Joining Meet-up groups has helped me pass some humps. I don't feel so inadequate about finding fun things to do when surrounded by others who must have the same affliction. Most of us are going through a life transition and find ourselves out of our normal element of meeting people and arranging fun. We're making our own play dates and setting up the tea parties hoping we won't be the only ones at the table.
Incredibly, I feel the stirrings of selfishness because of these Meet-ups. I am easing into saying NO to social ideas of others that don't mesh with mine. I'm losing the "easy going" Lisa to embrace the "I'd rather go this way" Lisa and it's starting to show. If I attend an event that is slogging through a process, I simply leave. It is not going to help me to waste precious time doing boring things with questionable individuals.
And for those who choose to do things without me, I've gotten comfortable with the idea that it is their loss. My children once ran from the idea of being out with their Mom for fun...until they saw me taking charge of gathering fun for just me and NOT them. Turns out that even a "walk in the park" for my own enjoyment is getting as popular as hanging at the mall with friends...the kids and their friends want to tag along with me now to see what I do.
So this weekend I will shoot, I will dance, I will drink (in moderation), and I will converse with a lot of strangers who may become friends. As my circle widens, my choice to seek joy for the sake of myself is becoming magnetic to others. I must remember to tell them to go find their own fun at times...following someone else to make sure they have fun is really...NO FUN AT ALL! Experience knows and shows.
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