When life transitions occur, we say our boat has been rocked. And typically that's because life's waters are inevitably stormy...a cycle of calm and chaos that keep us gripping the sides of our flimsy boats.
I have a sense that smoother waters are on my horizon. Is it because I've become a better navigator or just dumb luck that I've rounded a peninsula into calmer waters? Probably both and not worth questioning when I can spend the time enjoying the undisturbed seas!
It's been hard to accept that I am adrift. Really hard to acknowledge that I have no firm plan of my immediate or long term future. I didn't allow myself to think beyond rearing my children and now that I've put myself in this position two years earlier than expected, I find myself ill-prepared for what comes next.
The persona of preparedness has been my moniker for so long that I find it difficult to stand down, as if I've been in battle and suffering from some sort of PTSD. I know that soldiers or survivors of traumatic incidents are real sufferers...and then I remember that I suffered a trauma. And the divorce was just the consequence of events that caused my life to be turned into a battleground.
Allowing myself to fall into Lake Virginia has brought forth so much angst. Its symbolism is strong because it highlighted a lifelong fear. And that fear isn't necessarily water...instead, it is trust in myself. I have to face the fact that no matter the perception of others about my "bravery," I'm still that scared kid who is afraid to reveal a weakness and wary of trusting loved ones to help her get over the fear. Daddy issues! haha
Even though I can swim, my comfort had been in small pools with clear boundaries and in waters that aren't so deep that I can't push off the bottom and get to that beautiful oxygen. And I have to wonder, is that symbolic of my life?
To be determined.
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