As I've reopened my life to writing, I find myself confronting past fears about my thought process. Staring down my path, I seek answers to the questions that have haunted me for 8 years now.
Can I be the "thinker" that I once was?
Do I have the brain power to rev up my creative engine and am I able to effectively deliver my thoughts?
Can I be smart enough, clever enough, and fast enough to take this journey of pen to paper?
Most of all...am I allowing perfectionism to stall me as it has done before?
Airing these questions provides some relief. Up to 50% of MS patients struggle with cognitive issues and it's well documented that menopausal women of my age enter "brain fog." Hormones or lack thereof.... Bleh!
I concede that since I do not know which part of me is struggling cognitively...MS or Menopausal...then I simply must cast my doubts aside and get on with my endeavors. Perhaps not knowing what to blame is a blessing in disguise and instead, I just join my fellow baby boomers who grouch about losing their memories!
Today, I found an interesting article concerning the creative mind in relation to intellect and mental illness. A quick summation is that I neither have to be a genius nor crazy to get on with my creative process. Fortunately, just having a few of either in the family gives me enough cred that I'm in the correct gene pool.
A little crazy + a lot of smart can = a family that produces creatives.
Secrets of the Creative Brain
Follow along, oh wise reader and see if you too may be part of a creative and crazy family! Smiles!!
Friday, June 27, 2014
Thursday, June 26, 2014
A dark and rainy night...
They tend to be the worst...rainy, dark, lonely nights are when I miss him the most. And who might he be? I do NOT know. One of the assignments I was given years ago involved listing the attributes of someone who might fit in with my life. Before I divorced, it was a "want" list for my ex-husband that requested a common meeting ground of these qualities. He never gave me a list and stated that he was happy with exactly who I was...but that wasn't true and I wondered why it was so difficult for him to voice his preferences.
Was it because he felt I couldn't live up to them? Perhaps he was so dedicated to the institution of marriage, he simply could not think beyond his partner. But he must have thought something as the magazines and movies were filled with fantasy women.
I'm fortunate enough to be living in a REALITY now and as I look back almost a year ago when I was writing it, I'm happy to see that little has changed. I am clear about who I seek but unclear of my path to him.
The List
Was it because he felt I couldn't live up to them? Perhaps he was so dedicated to the institution of marriage, he simply could not think beyond his partner. But he must have thought something as the magazines and movies were filled with fantasy women.
I'm fortunate enough to be living in a REALITY now and as I look back almost a year ago when I was writing it, I'm happy to see that little has changed. I am clear about who I seek but unclear of my path to him.
The List
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Good Fences
My imagination takes me to wide open spaces today as I troll through my recent Scotland photos. We hiked 90+ miles on mostly private lands and had we not taken care of the gates, many sheep and cattle might have escaped.
We were in awe of the trusting nature of these land owners. They have a "trekking" culture in the U.K. and it seems their main concern was for the safety of their animals from rogue dogs. We didn't come across constant signage reminding us of NO LITTERING or LOITERING.
It was quite the opposite as we felt most comfortable to remain anywhere for as long as we wanted. The good fences they built for their livestock extended to the good nature of their communities. Pubs stayed open late for us, inn keepers came to the trail heads to check on our progress, and drivers adjusted their timing so that we might not be too far from schedule.
The personal boundaries/fences that one might think the stoic British are apt to keep in place disappeared when we needed help. It was a refreshing reminder that a welcome from anyone is warm when expectations are met from each side.
STRONG FENCES
We build our own fences
We build them high not low
We build our own fences
We build them steel or stone
Our gatekeeper faces keep
Us in, You out
Our steely cold eyes flash
A warning, Keep Out
Stony cold countenance
Close mouthed, closed heart
We build our own fences
And die from the start
We were in awe of the trusting nature of these land owners. They have a "trekking" culture in the U.K. and it seems their main concern was for the safety of their animals from rogue dogs. We didn't come across constant signage reminding us of NO LITTERING or LOITERING.
It was quite the opposite as we felt most comfortable to remain anywhere for as long as we wanted. The good fences they built for their livestock extended to the good nature of their communities. Pubs stayed open late for us, inn keepers came to the trail heads to check on our progress, and drivers adjusted their timing so that we might not be too far from schedule.
The personal boundaries/fences that one might think the stoic British are apt to keep in place disappeared when we needed help. It was a refreshing reminder that a welcome from anyone is warm when expectations are met from each side.
Good fences make for good guests?
We build our own fences
We build them high not low
We build our own fences
We build them steel or stone
Our gatekeeper faces keep
Us in, You out
Our steely cold eyes flash
A warning, Keep Out
Stony cold countenance
Close mouthed, closed heart
We build our own fences
And die from the start
Monday, June 23, 2014
Waiting
Rules player or radical?
Gut instinct or gut wrenching?
The sentence I just erased was grousing that I seldom like blazing a trail...sounded like a good southern girl sentiment but it was wrong. I'm not sure why I still downplay my fearlessness. No one is making me fit into that mold anymore and truthfully, I haven't conducted my life as such. But I have been quiet about it and have often passed off my adventures as someone else's idea.
Alone again tonight and observing these two cats play out what I'm thinking...one sits shyly by the opening in fear of pushing open the door. The other? She charged through as usual and joins me listening to the birds and enjoying the breeze.
Just as people, their personalities and histories play a part of their present behavior. I can't know what they went through before I adopted them just as I can't fathom the pasts of new acquaintances. Waiting for a tentative new behavior is maddening when I can see what's best for them but I wait with the expectation that patience will embolden their bravery.
Friends who need to be pushed out of their comfort zone, children who need to be pulled back from recklessness and parents being urged to indulge themselves...it's comforting to know that I'm needed and helpful that I can quietly provide some guidance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUIETLY
Gut instinct or gut wrenching?
The sentence I just erased was grousing that I seldom like blazing a trail...sounded like a good southern girl sentiment but it was wrong. I'm not sure why I still downplay my fearlessness. No one is making me fit into that mold anymore and truthfully, I haven't conducted my life as such. But I have been quiet about it and have often passed off my adventures as someone else's idea.
Alone again tonight and observing these two cats play out what I'm thinking...one sits shyly by the opening in fear of pushing open the door. The other? She charged through as usual and joins me listening to the birds and enjoying the breeze.
Just as people, their personalities and histories play a part of their present behavior. I can't know what they went through before I adopted them just as I can't fathom the pasts of new acquaintances. Waiting for a tentative new behavior is maddening when I can see what's best for them but I wait with the expectation that patience will embolden their bravery.
Friends who need to be pushed out of their comfort zone, children who need to be pulled back from recklessness and parents being urged to indulge themselves...it's comforting to know that I'm needed and helpful that I can quietly provide some guidance.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
QUIETLY
Quietly waiting,
We sit and observe
Our time slipping away.
Patiently tapping,
We watch one another as
A move is deliberated.
Skillfully shifting,
Our vision becomes clear
And a door emerges.
Breathlessly stepping
Together on a path
Made for two.
Walking quietly,
Side by side
Into one.
,
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Affirm
I can't help but laugh looking at this feature from Iyanla Vansant as it's indicative of my funny life when it comes to being single.
Affirm - If my choices do not bring forth the best in myself and others, I am free to choose again.
The Dating Game or Let's Make a Deal? Choosing a mate as an adult versus the 23 year old child that I was back in the day...it's enough to make a girl/woman/ingenue toss up her hands in despair! Instead, I'm advised to forget the tossing and just keep knocking at the doors of potential.
Undaunted, I do and I will. I'm being told by many friends that they went through this process in their twenties and that I should allow the process to play itself out. Interesting but not necessarily the correct process for me. After all, I didn't go that route and ended up with a mostly successful marriage, children nearly launched and two adults who are finding their own peace. Also, I didn't allow emotion to blow up the bank, disrupt someone else's home place or put unrealistic demands on my ex. But who can really be whole after a divorce? The void that caused the divorce still demands to be filled.
And so I keep moving onto the next door with pure hope and earned skepticism in my heart. I'm not planning a decade long excursion of trying to find the ultimate man who fits every single category. Unrealistic. Instead, character and chemistry make for the best match. They must coexist and with that, we shall go behind closed doors.... winkwink
Affirm - If my choices do not bring forth the best in myself and others, I am free to choose again.
The Dating Game or Let's Make a Deal? Choosing a mate as an adult versus the 23 year old child that I was back in the day...it's enough to make a girl/woman/ingenue toss up her hands in despair! Instead, I'm advised to forget the tossing and just keep knocking at the doors of potential.
Undaunted, I do and I will. I'm being told by many friends that they went through this process in their twenties and that I should allow the process to play itself out. Interesting but not necessarily the correct process for me. After all, I didn't go that route and ended up with a mostly successful marriage, children nearly launched and two adults who are finding their own peace. Also, I didn't allow emotion to blow up the bank, disrupt someone else's home place or put unrealistic demands on my ex. But who can really be whole after a divorce? The void that caused the divorce still demands to be filled.
And so I keep moving onto the next door with pure hope and earned skepticism in my heart. I'm not planning a decade long excursion of trying to find the ultimate man who fits every single category. Unrealistic. Instead, character and chemistry make for the best match. They must coexist and with that, we shall go behind closed doors.... winkwink
Friday, June 20, 2014
Hammer Time
The week is at an end and it is far different than its beginning. Purpose, initiative, action have set in firmly and I'm facing a lot of quiet times to meander down the writing path.
Starting an important project has always filled me with dread. It's not because I cannot complete it or even make a success of it...it's what I must give away in the process of doing it. Parts of me are chipped away and tossed into the creative soup that I seek to make. There are those who take on tasks with mediocre commitment and then, there are we others who seek excellence for our endeavor. We give completely to our chosen path.
The life altering projects in my life have been done well. I research and plan with a final outcome of success already in mind. As it evolves, I'm at the ready to alter steps so that the project itself is never in danger. Education. Love. Career growth. Family stability. Health. Fitness. Divorce. Reboot.
Before I understood my ambitious psyche, I struggled with perfecting the steps of a process. I have learned and am now able to approach life projects with a panoramic view. The sight beyond the horizon? It's already in my mind's eye and several paths present themselves. Fortunately, I now know that if one path is blocked, it's not a tragedy to step back and take another. That is the gift of age and experience. The wolf we feared breathing down our neck is imaginary; mid lifers know that true knowledge and fulfillment come on the journey to our final destination and rushing causes missteps. All our little projects, large and small build a joyful foundation and hammer in hand, I'm ready to chip away and write myself away, away, and away.
Starting an important project has always filled me with dread. It's not because I cannot complete it or even make a success of it...it's what I must give away in the process of doing it. Parts of me are chipped away and tossed into the creative soup that I seek to make. There are those who take on tasks with mediocre commitment and then, there are we others who seek excellence for our endeavor. We give completely to our chosen path.
The life altering projects in my life have been done well. I research and plan with a final outcome of success already in mind. As it evolves, I'm at the ready to alter steps so that the project itself is never in danger. Education. Love. Career growth. Family stability. Health. Fitness. Divorce. Reboot.
Before I understood my ambitious psyche, I struggled with perfecting the steps of a process. I have learned and am now able to approach life projects with a panoramic view. The sight beyond the horizon? It's already in my mind's eye and several paths present themselves. Fortunately, I now know that if one path is blocked, it's not a tragedy to step back and take another. That is the gift of age and experience. The wolf we feared breathing down our neck is imaginary; mid lifers know that true knowledge and fulfillment come on the journey to our final destination and rushing causes missteps. All our little projects, large and small build a joyful foundation and hammer in hand, I'm ready to chip away and write myself away, away, and away.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Begin
Much thanks to Jennifer Weiner for her wise thoughts. Just begin. And although the writing spurts have gone on four decades plus, it just may be that the spurts are becoming gushers and so, I begin.
The children might raise their eyebrows at this point and remind me of my oft repeated statement:
"Once begun, half done!"
Dear Sareet will smile and tell me that she expected nothing less as hurdles in my path provide pauses rather than stops.
And my Grandfather Clint's stubby pencils, tiny notebooks, and succinct blurbs about the weather mixed in with musings of family and farm continue to inspire me to capture words daily.
A poem, a pondering, an analysis, a review...all a start to something that I know I must do.
Begin.
A Feathery Leaf
Hurdle one complete.
The children might raise their eyebrows at this point and remind me of my oft repeated statement:
"Once begun, half done!"
Dear Sareet will smile and tell me that she expected nothing less as hurdles in my path provide pauses rather than stops.
And my Grandfather Clint's stubby pencils, tiny notebooks, and succinct blurbs about the weather mixed in with musings of family and farm continue to inspire me to capture words daily.
A poem, a pondering, an analysis, a review...all a start to something that I know I must do.
Begin.
A Feathery Leaf
Hurdle one complete.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)