ValYou

Values?

Core values.  Succumbing to my research need, I thought it might be prescient to learn more about how our species values...values.  Apparently, I haven't broached the topic with myself much...I came up empty handed other than the pat responses.  Truth.  Respect.  Courage.

I found a lady who had written hers down and I suspect she knows they'll be copied.  What else is the internet for except to provide fodder for copiers like me?  And so, Claire Hodgson has a list and I'll start from there:

• Security
• Positive/fulfilling relationships with friends and family
• Contentment 
• Peace 
• Fun  
• Laughter 
• Loyalty
• Financial freedom 
• Passion
• Simplicity 

I agree with her when it comes to Security.  Each day I wake up wondering if I can maintain my life as it is currently...my game plan for catastrophe is incomplete, thus "to live" this value of security, I have to face some unpleasant facts regarding health.  To be continued....

Positive/fulfilling relationships with my family and friends is value met with fruition.  I am content.

Contentment is a fluid concept in my life...I'm content until I'm bored and then I become inspired to shake apart the guise of contentment and move on to Excitement.  

Fun in life for me equals discovery and that value keeps me waking up daily with hope.

Laughter is my second breath.  It and carbon dioxide are twinsies in my world! ;-)

Loyalty has always been steadfast in my life.  Without it, I could not have been married so long nor could I have successfully reared two children...I am loyal to their beings before my own.  Mother sacrifice!  haha  May cause them a guilt trip!  ha ha

Financial freedom must be researched and dissected so that I can maintain a sense of the first value, security.

Passion...to be considered....

Simplicity is valid only to the extent that minimalism can be explored for its own eccentricities.


These are Claire's core values.  Many of them ring true for me and they provide a jumping off point...hopefully, it's not over a cliff of insecurity!  hah

Change

Feeling the aura of change in my life yet AGAIN takes up too much of my grey matter.  My brain pummels itself in hopes to find contentment with change...it will not happen.  There is little to feel contented about and yet, all of it is awash in excitement.

Although they tried, no one could convince me that I would go through many phases of acceptance when it came to divorce.  For my own sanity, I convinced myself that the first six months of 2012 were part and parcel of my angst.

I wanted to begin and end the "project" of divorce in six months and move on with my life.  Would that I could put all those individuals in a room so that I could acclaim, "You told me so!!  You were right!!"

Acceptance of life after divorce as a roller coaster ride is upon me...I am holding on tight to the car and yet the ups and downs remind me that I'm just one bump away from catastrophe.  Alone.  Alone.  And all alone....

It's also thrilling to crest the next rise and see a beautiful vista that I've never even imagined and just as a roller coast bursts into speed downhill, so too do I hurtle into that unknown vista.

It's the perfect time to embrace change and yet, I cringe again as I embark upon it.  I will move by myself to another geographic arena...no husband, no children, and supported only by my friends who are enlisted to become my new family.  I face my family's questions of "Why move?  Is it safe?  Don't you hate change?  Who do you know?  Who will be near to help you?"

They live in another state...both in distance and in mind...they have yet to realize that I'm alone now.  The children will both be gone to their futures in August and so, too must I have go to my future.


So still the statue of motherhood,
So quiet our resilience,
We cannot alter ourselves without comment,
We cannot move from the pedestal....

Yet life moves around us and we're changed,
Away from our progeny,
Awaiting their return,
And our visage is altered by life's hand regardless.

As we are alone with it,
Our life as mother without a brood,
An aging nonetheless beautiful
And nonetheless changed.

 

You Can't Fix What You Can't Face

What is the story that you tell yourself?
What is the story that I repeat to myself?

We hear the mantra of "forgive and forget" yet the practical process of how to do this is lost upon us.  I like knowing the steps in a process.

Re-claim
Re-define
Re-create

Each day of my reclaimed life is redefining me as I recreate a story that I can be proud of, a hErstory versus a hIstory.

I want to fully see ME and learn to completely accept the quirkiness of who I am.  Maybe I don't need any fixing...maybe I just self-acceptance!

Hidden Selves

Why is the truth of ourselves hidden so well within us?

I reached out to someone who uses arrogance as armor and they did NOT like me tapping on their shield.  Rather than ruminate with sadness over their lack of control, I will summon as much compassion as I can for their psyche as the journey they face is a losing one.

No one wants to hear that they are part and parcel of a losing cause.  It's certainly not an American ideal that we embrace.  We like to be loud and celebrate winning causes.  And because those causes make us feel better about ourselves, we are blind to the nature of them...blind to the fact that they may not be good for us.
In politics, the good of the people should be foremost in our hearts.  Yet our egos super cede that need and we embrace approaches that instead feed our own personal need for validation.  The science of statistics is the great power and as much as we want numbers to change their value, they remain steadfast.  Yes, when the odds are very close, there is room for tweaking the outcome.  When the odds are utterly disparate, a nontraditional approach to closing the gap is necessary yet today's politics leave little room for tweaking.

I once believed that men were superior in dealing with statistics as they were more adept at putting aside their emotions.  What I am finding is that they cannot put aside their hubris and therefore, they skew the outcome.  Ah, arrogance....Multi-sensory perception is being explored once again by the masses and is led by women who have proven far superior at reading emotions through body language and facial expressions.  The intrinsically poor are more adept at judging the outcomes of interpersonal relationships.  Why?  Theory is that the poor have depended on personal relationships for actual survival...they have honed their intuitive skills at reading others.  And so it may be women coming from poor backgrounds who will lead a true revival of democracy.

As I have been on both sides of the socioeconomic fence, I am struck now with how little progress our society is making to mesh the classes.  Could it be that we are content to cycle into an era of haves and have nots?  Is it becoming a badge of honor to be in either class and pride ourselves for hating the other?  We have entered the era of public shaming.  It's embraced in our social media, our workplaces, our daily lives.  Our celebrities, our politicians, our heroes must either be perfect or we will shame them into acknowledging their personal demons.  And if not done satisfactorily, punishment is quick and severe; the spanking is public spectacle.  What was once our private hell becomes fodder for a wider world of condemnation.

The greatest leaders are born within the groups that they must lead.  They share the experiences and they connect to the other side in ways that are nonverbal and completely intuitive.  Stepping forward to lead the poor and uneducated yet never having been subject to its daily grind might produce sincere thanks but it will not inspire a successful movement.  Instead, it might inspire public slaps from both sides of the fence no matter the intent.

Character

I stood in a very long Disney line two days ago and it wasn't at the theme park.  Instead, I was there upon request of my agent to be cast for still photos etc. for their website and print.  What I observed has me thinking of how we process our own attractiveness.

What should have taken 30 minutes instead took 5 hours plus and the bulk of that was spent standing in a line outside being exposed to sun and humidity.  As I became close acquaintances with 4 models around me, I'm left to wonder at our own tenacity.  Somehow, we rationalized our situation and refused to give up on the process.  Is that simply another human characteristic or an American quirk?

Our discussions ranged from the need of employment for the younger set to the possibilities for two of us in the older set.  Disney wanted to cast a variety of individuals for all ages of "family" with an emphasis on cute kids and attractive older people.  Apparently, the older models were driven away by the wait and the conditions with the exception of the beautiful 73 year old who was part of our "line crew."

We were duly impressed with how congenial the participants were...showing off their Disneyesque personalities even under miserable conditions.  Arguments did not flair up, line hopping wasn't an issue, even the children who had every right to be upset were behaving or simply taken home once the parents realized that the wait was going to take HOURS!!

Did all of us have such a strong belief in our own attractiveness?  I think in large part...we did!  Ouch.  My new friends and I discussed this and agreed  it's an industry based in narcissism.  Why can't we represent for our age group as well or better than someone else?  And that level of confidence in our own attractiveness kept us waiting.  One doesn't become a model without having been told that we are special.  Double ouch.

I see WAY MORE beautiful women than I on a daily basis.  They aren't modeling or waiting in long lines for a 2 minute photo session....  But facing attractiveness and understanding what it is without apologizing is a continual struggle for me.  There is a market for everything and my currency is mid life beauty.  It isn't a curse or a blessing, it's just another part of my character.  What it can do though is alter whether or not I feel I am "acting" as a character in my own life or fulfilling my life based upon good character.

If

My second year of freedom from marriage is apt to be FILLED with life.  As I stated to a friend, I have a lot of pent up living to do.

Slowly, v-e-r-y slowly, I am coming to believe that it is not self indulgent to have a life of my own.  Have I simply imposed slavery upon myself for the last quarter century?  Perhaps it was unconscious, but the answer is still YES; I chose to live my life with someone else in charge of it.

The hiking trip to Scotland convinced me to forgive myself.  Maybe the pain I endured for those five days was the penance I was seeking to give.  Regardless, all of the time spent doing nothing but putting one foot in front of the other was enough therapy to put me over the edge of grace.  I have forgiven young Lisa.  I have embraced the vulnerable and imperfect woman that I've become.  Imperfect grace:  wabi-sabi

If I continue with my self reflection and deep commitment to living a life based upon personal joy, then I'm sure that my musings of "if" will end.  

I have never been an admirer of the ME Generation, yet here I am being concerned first and foremost with myself.  It may take me another 25 years to figure out if I like living life for myself.  :-)

Drivel

Reading my last post of self-pitying drivel is humbling.

Oh great strong lady, where were you??  :-)

Fortunately, I was being strong enough to be vulnerable.  Ugh.  Weakness has felt shameful to me for a long time and I'm facing it squarely now.  Is it the American culture of shaming that influences me, my upbringing, my unique psyche, or the fact that I'm a pseudo perfectionist woman who hates to let her guard down?  All of the above, no doubt.  Ugh.

First step accomplished...admit/submit to the feeling of weakness.  YES.  FINE.  I get lonely.  Ugh.
Second step...take steps to alleviate the problem.  YES.  FINE.  I have opened my life to online dating.
Third step...invest in my own evolution.  YES.  PERFECT.  I'm at my happiest trying to fix a problem.

Facing the mirror and accepting that I must show my weaknesses in order to overcome them may be my greatest lifetime test.  Exploring vulnerable Lisa was NOT on my bucket list, my "to do" list, or my wish list.  It is on my "must" list.

Embarrassment, humiliation, shame, admission and all for the sin of weakness.  It's too much angst for a normal emotion and I'm finally understanding the part I play...I can ease up on the tough lady act and be the lonely lady.  And that's okay.  Whew...although that little tomboy with a competitive streak in me wants to...NOOOOO!!  ;-)  :-))))))))))))))