I don't mind getting down to the wire and taking a few chances. Hell, it's been my life story. The idea of "nothing to lose" is a silly fallacy I believed in when I was younger. Our life's sum total morphs as we edge closer to the top of the mountain. It's a lot tougher to seriously make a big change knowing that other's lives are affected. Who are we to make a change that will shift our loved ones lives forever in addition to our own?
We are the ones that matter...that's who we are. In the end, it's just singularly ourselves that take the chances catapulting our lives into the next level of development. As I was taking my kids back to their father's home, they shared with me that one of their dearest friends had lost his father the day after Christmas. This kid who I cared for like one of my own had lost his Dad. Each of my children had thought the other one had told me...gotta love teenage communication!
It just hit me as I left them that I had jumped so far into the next level of development that if I were to die on my drive back, I would have died content knowing that I had not been afraid of taking a "last chance." The poor man who had passed on had gone through a difficult divorce a couple of years ago with so much acrimony from both sides. Fortunately, his son had lived part time with him as of late so they were given that time...but I'm so happy that I have forcibly taken my time back from a toxic relationship. I sincerely hope that he had found some contentment.
My children still have much to work through. They will learn many adult lessons in the next few years. I'm going to try to instill in them the importance of listening to signals and really direct their lives so that they don't question themselves too much. I may look like the basic middle aged Mom when I'm with them...but even they know a bad ass when they see one. :-)
Yes, I plan on taking chances for at least another 48 years! I plan on following the paths that are well lit but also the ones not yet well worn. I'm just a single soul and the loss of not making myself fulfilled would be a dishonor for those who have not been given a "last chance."
I'm ready for you 2013...kicking, screaming, falling down, and standing my ass up again...and again...and again...and NEVER settling for anything less than butterflies in my chest, bee hives in my belly, and a freaking jump from the mountaintop of fear. 2013
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Blame it on the Alcohol
Halfway through my life and I still ponder the delicacies of alcohol consumption. How is it that individuals find it difficult to admit why they drink alcohol?
As I listen to a friend extol the virtues of getting wasted, I'm reminded of my college dorm room rather than two adults discussing the pros and cons of drinking. Here then is the perfect example of why mid life folks need a refresher course in adulthood. We are apparently on the boomerang cycle of idiocy. It wasn't enough that we passed through it in our late teens and early twenties...no, we get to revisit our stupid selves again in our forties!
I'm going to extrapolate that our current actions as drunks are more dangerous than our past adolescent actions because...and here's the part that I'm finding difficult to communicate to friends...because we have responsibilities! It's NOT okay to lose an evening to unconsciousness because those hours are filled with missteps that can alter our current life path. Drunk driving, dialing, texting, and emailing begin the downward spiral and then it's polished off with dangerous actions.
Is someone willing to stand up and scream, "Hey, I know why everyone wants to drink? It's because life isn't turning out like we expected and we are afraid to face that reality!"
Anyone? No. Twenty five years ago, our drunken selves would rail against the unknown future. Today, too many mid lifers bemoan what the future became. Does drinking solve the reality? No. What is it doing then that it has become so important in our social lives? One strong argument is its ability to embolden us to speak our "true" minds and therefore, release some of the stress built up in our psyches. I do believe this stress valve is helpful and this is probably why the French and Italians are such good drinkers; it's a social action for stress and not a social cry for attention.
Alas, I am finding my American compatriots to be more concerned with their need to let EVERYONE IN THE ROOM know that they are drunk and ready to spill their last secret to every stranger they meet. Really, folks? Really? I don't care how lonesome you are...maybe it's because you scare away all the decent people who don't want to date drunks???!!!! I don't care if you're overweight...maybe you wouldn't get the munchies and gain so much weight if you weren't allowing yourself drunken food freedom. I don't care if no one in your family likes you anymore...who can like whiners that slur their words, cry crocodile tears and besmirch their loved ones. And who, especially, can bear being around selfish men and women who try to one-up each other as they seek romantic conquests.
Why do I sound so judgmental? Because I feel it. And rather than go grab a drink and write about it, I'm just going to write and HOPE that my friends are woman and man enough to push back from the bottle while in large groups. I hope they can control themselves when they drink alone and not scour the internet like drunken predators. My hope is that they enjoy getting buzzed with someone who cares enough about them that they don't allow each other to become sots who waste their brain cells.
New Year's Eve parties bring out some of our worst qualities. Is it truly a celebration of our year's successes and hope for the future, or is it sob fest for our weakest individuals to become codependent upon alcohol? Yes, I feel judgmental but I won't act upon it. At this point in my life, it is far easier to remove myself from a relationship, a room full of idiots, or circumstances that expose me to the draining negative energy of drunken and pathetic adults.
My path is selfish...I choose the quiet interludes with a few select friends who can hold their liquor, their tongues, and their hormones in check. It's good to remember that being an adult who is responsible is also a lot of fun...after all, we get to enter the sober world the next day without the burden of expressing apologies for things we can't remember. I want the second half of my life to be well remembered and NOT wasted...literally.
Finger wagging over. I'll never make it as a FOX anchor...even now, after writing this...I feel bad. I want to see the good and I want others to see the good within themselves. Instead of railing against them, I want to help them. Sadly, my own experience with a loved one shows this doesn't work. It's better to just step away after a while. No matter how much love is given...how many chances are held out in hopes of a change...there are some who will NEVER evolve.
As I listen to a friend extol the virtues of getting wasted, I'm reminded of my college dorm room rather than two adults discussing the pros and cons of drinking. Here then is the perfect example of why mid life folks need a refresher course in adulthood. We are apparently on the boomerang cycle of idiocy. It wasn't enough that we passed through it in our late teens and early twenties...no, we get to revisit our stupid selves again in our forties!
I'm going to extrapolate that our current actions as drunks are more dangerous than our past adolescent actions because...and here's the part that I'm finding difficult to communicate to friends...because we have responsibilities! It's NOT okay to lose an evening to unconsciousness because those hours are filled with missteps that can alter our current life path. Drunk driving, dialing, texting, and emailing begin the downward spiral and then it's polished off with dangerous actions.
Is someone willing to stand up and scream, "Hey, I know why everyone wants to drink? It's because life isn't turning out like we expected and we are afraid to face that reality!"
Anyone? No. Twenty five years ago, our drunken selves would rail against the unknown future. Today, too many mid lifers bemoan what the future became. Does drinking solve the reality? No. What is it doing then that it has become so important in our social lives? One strong argument is its ability to embolden us to speak our "true" minds and therefore, release some of the stress built up in our psyches. I do believe this stress valve is helpful and this is probably why the French and Italians are such good drinkers; it's a social action for stress and not a social cry for attention.
Alas, I am finding my American compatriots to be more concerned with their need to let EVERYONE IN THE ROOM know that they are drunk and ready to spill their last secret to every stranger they meet. Really, folks? Really? I don't care how lonesome you are...maybe it's because you scare away all the decent people who don't want to date drunks???!!!! I don't care if you're overweight...maybe you wouldn't get the munchies and gain so much weight if you weren't allowing yourself drunken food freedom. I don't care if no one in your family likes you anymore...who can like whiners that slur their words, cry crocodile tears and besmirch their loved ones. And who, especially, can bear being around selfish men and women who try to one-up each other as they seek romantic conquests.
Why do I sound so judgmental? Because I feel it. And rather than go grab a drink and write about it, I'm just going to write and HOPE that my friends are woman and man enough to push back from the bottle while in large groups. I hope they can control themselves when they drink alone and not scour the internet like drunken predators. My hope is that they enjoy getting buzzed with someone who cares enough about them that they don't allow each other to become sots who waste their brain cells.
New Year's Eve parties bring out some of our worst qualities. Is it truly a celebration of our year's successes and hope for the future, or is it sob fest for our weakest individuals to become codependent upon alcohol? Yes, I feel judgmental but I won't act upon it. At this point in my life, it is far easier to remove myself from a relationship, a room full of idiots, or circumstances that expose me to the draining negative energy of drunken and pathetic adults.
My path is selfish...I choose the quiet interludes with a few select friends who can hold their liquor, their tongues, and their hormones in check. It's good to remember that being an adult who is responsible is also a lot of fun...after all, we get to enter the sober world the next day without the burden of expressing apologies for things we can't remember. I want the second half of my life to be well remembered and NOT wasted...literally.
Finger wagging over. I'll never make it as a FOX anchor...even now, after writing this...I feel bad. I want to see the good and I want others to see the good within themselves. Instead of railing against them, I want to help them. Sadly, my own experience with a loved one shows this doesn't work. It's better to just step away after a while. No matter how much love is given...how many chances are held out in hopes of a change...there are some who will NEVER evolve.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Resolved
The last weekend of 2012...oh, I'm ready for some resolutions!
One of the things I've learned over the years is how to make sense of my yearly goals. Writing down a detailed goal gives me a blueprint but I now know about revisions. Overcoming my need for a perfected success was a major breakthrough. I accept the messages from LIFE that tell me when I need to veer from the path I've chosen.
Admittedly, altering the final goal is a much tougher sell. I don't mind skipping around those paths but I do like to get to the top of whatever mountain I've chosen!
Fortunately, I have a HUGE mid-year event that will take up my time...I'm one of five National Chairwomen for my sorority's convention. Since it's held once every three years, if I screw this up, I'll have 36 months to hear the catcalls. Meow...there's nothing like 50,000 + sisters telling you they hate the Swag Bag...now why did I volunteer for that one? ha ha Expectations.... :-)
Physical
Mental
Emotional
I will have my goals set soon for each of these in the year 2013 and judging by my track record, I expect quite a journey to reach them. yeehaw
One of the things I've learned over the years is how to make sense of my yearly goals. Writing down a detailed goal gives me a blueprint but I now know about revisions. Overcoming my need for a perfected success was a major breakthrough. I accept the messages from LIFE that tell me when I need to veer from the path I've chosen.
Admittedly, altering the final goal is a much tougher sell. I don't mind skipping around those paths but I do like to get to the top of whatever mountain I've chosen!
Fortunately, I have a HUGE mid-year event that will take up my time...I'm one of five National Chairwomen for my sorority's convention. Since it's held once every three years, if I screw this up, I'll have 36 months to hear the catcalls. Meow...there's nothing like 50,000 + sisters telling you they hate the Swag Bag...now why did I volunteer for that one? ha ha Expectations.... :-)
Physical
Mental
Emotional
I will have my goals set soon for each of these in the year 2013 and judging by my track record, I expect quite a journey to reach them. yeehaw
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Wide Awake
I admit it. Although I was COMPLETELY prepared to the spend the day alone...having someone stop by made it feel like the special day it was meant to be.
And another admission...that part of me that had set in to be frozen is thawing. Loss can do that to a person. No matter our resolution to protect the softest parts of our psyche and hearts, our human nature begins to reject our stubborn selves and we find that "lightness of being" which hasn't disappeared after all.
“Men’s natures are alike; it is their habits that separate
them.”
And another admission...that part of me that had set in to be frozen is thawing. Loss can do that to a person. No matter our resolution to protect the softest parts of our psyche and hearts, our human nature begins to reject our stubborn selves and we find that "lightness of being" which hasn't disappeared after all.
“Men’s natures are alike; it is their habits that separate
them.”
-Confucious
I have rediscovered a pride in myself this year and much of that centers on healthy habits. That health hasn't just been for my body...mentally and emotionally, I'm starting to feel the payoff of six years of HARD work. Habits kick in unconsciously...what a relief to be able to live and not waste my precious gray matter on thinking of each move!
So I'm just going to ride out these feelings...I'm going to count on my subconscious to lead me wherever it thinks my heart should go. I'm going to trust my gut instinct and not bother with self analysis. This blog will be as much as I do in that department.
When I jump without a net on this, I may just slam into the asphalt with the potential for permanent scars. This time though, I'm wide awake. I know how to get back up, brush myself off, and set forth on a new path...except this path seems so right...it gives me secret smiles. :-)
Wide Awake Video
Wide Awake Video
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Smiley Me
Maybe I'm repressing something? I know I'm expected to fret today, cry about days gone by, miss the family unit...but, I don't feel any of that. I feel as free and light as a feather or a leaf flying in the wind.
This blog isn't called "a feathery leaf" for nothing, folks. These symbols have appeared in my jewelry, clothing, housewares, etc. throughout my life. :-)
My beautiful children returned to their father's home this Christmas morning. Our own celebration was as special as I hoped it would be...funny presents...silly food...ridiculous television! They were hesitant about leaving me but I waved them on their way. My job has been to help them spread their wings and I know how hard it will be for them the rest of this day. For their first Christmas without an intact family, their father decided to invite his girlfriend and her daughter to share Christmas dinner. I have known for so long that his needs have to come first...I ache for my two children as they come to accept this too. I can't answer the "why" to their questions as I truly don't know so I simply defer those answers to him. If he learns too late which relationships need the most attention...well, it is no longer my worry and I am FREE to fly. Whether or not they end up flying away from him is thoroughly up to the three of them.
And so, as this day is spent alone...well, with a cat...maybe a movie..some junk food, television, and internet...I can say honestly that it's one of my best Christmases ever! The year has been book ended in the most amazing way. At the beginning of 2012, I was haunted by the storm I was facing. At the end, I am emboldened by my possibilities and by the knowledge that I have a core of steel. I can be bent but I can be hammered back into shape...even if I have to hold the hammer myself! hee hee hee
Cheers to Christmas. Cheers to my strong and resilient children. Cheers to me.
This blog isn't called "a feathery leaf" for nothing, folks. These symbols have appeared in my jewelry, clothing, housewares, etc. throughout my life. :-)
My beautiful children returned to their father's home this Christmas morning. Our own celebration was as special as I hoped it would be...funny presents...silly food...ridiculous television! They were hesitant about leaving me but I waved them on their way. My job has been to help them spread their wings and I know how hard it will be for them the rest of this day. For their first Christmas without an intact family, their father decided to invite his girlfriend and her daughter to share Christmas dinner. I have known for so long that his needs have to come first...I ache for my two children as they come to accept this too. I can't answer the "why" to their questions as I truly don't know so I simply defer those answers to him. If he learns too late which relationships need the most attention...well, it is no longer my worry and I am FREE to fly. Whether or not they end up flying away from him is thoroughly up to the three of them.
And so, as this day is spent alone...well, with a cat...maybe a movie..some junk food, television, and internet...I can say honestly that it's one of my best Christmases ever! The year has been book ended in the most amazing way. At the beginning of 2012, I was haunted by the storm I was facing. At the end, I am emboldened by my possibilities and by the knowledge that I have a core of steel. I can be bent but I can be hammered back into shape...even if I have to hold the hammer myself! hee hee hee
Cheers to Christmas. Cheers to my strong and resilient children. Cheers to me.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Pondering....
"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley
Thanks, Bob.
Thanks, Bob.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
A Year Ago...
Wow...just found this...had written it out a year ago. Ever forward.
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Make the most of yourself...for that is all there is of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Courage doesn't always roar; sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow." M. A. Rammacher
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. Bob Newhart
When I let go of what I am, I become what I may be. Lao Tzu
Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow. Helen Keller
Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. Emily Dickinson
A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship. - Rainer Maria Rilke
The one who loves the least, controls the relationship. - Robert Anthony
Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. - Helen Keller
It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company. - George Washington
God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt. - Anonymous
Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it. - Swedish Proverb
Being silent isn't being strong, it's being a victim. - Jane Powell
There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth - not going all the way and not starting. - The Buddha
The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. - Joseph Campbell
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