Deep Breathing

The deepest of breaths are not always enough to cast aside stressful thoughts.  When confronted with a person from the past who knows so well how to push my buttons, I find that the simple act of breathing becomes a painful spasm.

Even now, I plow through "relationship" books in the effort to understand how exactly I/he/we went wrong after such a long time together.  In essence, it is difficult to find answers when one does not know the correct question to ask.

One of the drawbacks to not having exit counseling when ending a relationship is then not knowing how to proceed safely into a new relationship.  The worries then reproduce like unencumbered rabbits:

• What did I do wrong?  
• Why didn't he love me enough?
• How much more could I have sacrificed to make it work?

Those kinds of questions are knee-jerk reactions to stress.  I'm informed enough now to know that a breakup cannot be whittled down to one person.  Instead of applying blame, I have to accept that I was a willing participant in a dysfunctional pairing.  

Some might argue that all relationships are dysfunctional but I refuse to believe this.  I'm goal oriented and want a profunctional relationship for the next great love of my life.  I seek proficiency, protection, and professed dedication from another to make a relationship work together!

From a rookie to a professional in two short years?  Let the games continue....  winkwink

Rain Slide

Quiet engulfs so much of my days now.  It's the kind of quiet where speech doesn't exist except from the canned sound of a TV or radio.  The cats meow.  I answer.  The maintenance guy arrives, checks off his duty and leaves.  My trail walk consists of nods to others but words...no.

It's a quiet I remember from childhood.  The long days in rural Kentucky were quiet even with others.  We didn't have such long and detailed conversations as people do now.  Instead, I remember companionship with my brothers breaking into arguments leading to more quiet.  Three channels of TV with only two audible meant it was turned off more than on....

Traffic on the nearby road was scant enough that my grandparents made note of whoever they observed driving.  We rocked on the glider in between chores or during them.  Beans breaking, strawberries being hulled, apples peeling...quiet work.

Listening tonight to the rain sliding from the tiled roof, the window being tapped with heavy droplets, I experience sound but in such a quiet way.

A dear one reminded me recently of how important external quiet is to help calm internal cacophony.  By turning toward my old friend of silence, I've turned on my creative volume.

My voice is sliding from me now onto the page, spilling like the rain and tapping my brain with droplets...loud, energetic and very unquiet voices.

Omitted Truths

When discovering the deeper layers of oneself, we discover our endurance for shame.  Recalling years of embarrassing events or questionable decisions reveals our propensity to "cover up" the weaker part of our personalities.

Is omitting a truth a lie IF one is never asked about it?  

Does the adage of "You never asked so I didn't mention it" become more acceptable as we age because it's impossible to remember all our foibles?

Perhaps it's because society has become very fluid with relationships in the cyber world.  It's easy to gloss over our weaknesses and hide them away because we anticipate moving away from people on a regular basis.  Getting into the very essence of another is messy business and sometimes, it's easier to just detach rather than reveal a "truth."  After all, another person is just a click away and that person might ask different questions or have a different philosophy and then...then we need not face our own shames.  

Is forgetting our truths a lie to our self?  Is it personal hypnosis so that we don't have to confront our shame, our humanity, our frailty?

For me, all of my darkest moments are the brightest beacons for which I need to concentrate in order to move forward in this life.  They indicate weakness and the only path to strength is to lay bare their broken nature and be clear of what it will take to heal those fractures within me.  

Dealing with loved ones who turn to poor coping mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs, obsessions in any form is dealing with someone afraid to face the fracture.  I've had to learn that some people will NEVER choose to heal.  They choose to ignore rather than heal.  

The question is not always "Why can't you stop drinking?"  The question might be "Why can't you face what is causing your excessive drinking?"

Omission

Truth or Dare

Dare to Face

Truth

Round and Round

With age, I can patiently observe life's turns on its merry-go-round.  The monotony of daily living would be just that if I didn't take the time to look harder at what's going on around me.  I choose to find small details as collectively they form a larger impact on my life events.

At the beginning of any relationship, either friendly or romantic, we are prone to giving rather unconscious clues.  Perimeters are set early on with likes/dislikes, personality traits, and even introductions to others in our life circle.  Each layer that is peeled back exposes a need or preference that we hope will be acceptable to the other.  Growing older makes that list of "must haves" longer as we try to protect ourselves from repeats of past hurt.

This can be a dangerous turn though.  The boundaries we build around our hearts leave us in a more vulnerable position.  So much of what we think can hurt us is built from unresolved pain.  We project our past into our future and spoil the potential crop of goodness that can come from being with someone who might be a blessing.  

Humanity has tried to understand this forever in our literature, our art, the philosophy around which we build civilization and religion.  

"Learn from your mistakes; don't repeat your past."

But we often end up repeating the past exactly to resolve it rather than doing the work in preparation for when it comes around again.  Round and round we ride and without due diligence to the details, a firm commitment to heed their lessons, and keen observance of our own biases, we live in a continual and unsatisfying loop.

I like getting off the merry go round and I like breaking my own boundaries.  It's the sweetest part of life to be continually surprised by my own resilience...growing...learning...being.

Guidance

Seeking help for one's mental or emotional state brings up a lot of questions in the conservative area from where I hail.  Exposure of that kind of weakness should bring about a circling of the wagons from loved ones and friends but oftentimes, the hushed whispers of disapproval abound in the community.

With that upbringing, it took quite a while for me to actually seek guidance from a counselor.  I was distrustful and skeptical especially when medication was mentioned as a remedy but I'm so thankful for the doctor who did suggest it.  My sunny disposition takes a lot of rain to make the clouds appear but I can clearly remember when the clouds set in and stayed.  My youngest was a sensitive toddler and the hoops that I had to jump through to keep a peaceful home were getting more numerous.  I wanted my household to be a refuge of happiness for all of us.

I had grown up hearing adults argue and harsh tones as the norm so I was even more determined to stop recycling old behaviors.  My personal physician knew that I wasn't myself and with a simple questionnaire and his own observations, he pronounced me mildly depressed.  That didn't make sense---I was living the fairy tale!  But some days were like Grimm's....

Because we were moving all over the country with  bonding and severing taking place in my friendships, I found it difficult to find a like minded soul.  Now I know how many were also quietly looking for affirmation from another.  Young mothers and wives left to navigate without the help of nearby friends or family...it is a difficult time.  Plus, I was convinced that it would pass.  And it truly did but I wasn't able to wean myself off the medicine and it was such a tiny dose!  The lowest milligram possible halved even then...so why couldn't my body adjust?  If I had been brave enough to reach out to a professional counselor/therapist instead of just an internist, I would have learned about the physiology of mood disorders.  Brain chemistry, hormones, stress, physical duress---all of it plays a pivotal role in the our emotional/mental health.  Plus, I actually do live seeking the bright side of everything.

Roughly 8 years after my introduction to "happy pills," I was diagnosed with MS.  It was then that I heard about my body's inability to hold Vitamin D, an important component of happiness chemistry, and apparently, it had been happening for a while.  Without Vit D, I had developed osteopenia with the chance of it becoming osteoporosis at 42!  Before menopause!  The wake up call about my physical challenges started me down the path of exploration for my mental and emotional well being.  Plus, MS was a depressing diagnosis at first.

My gut instinct had originally told me that the mild depression wasn't about how I processed life's events; it was about my body's inability to fit all the puzzle pieces together to consistently keep my mood in proper perspective.  I no longer felt guilty about taking that tiny happy pill and I regret my past angst because it truly wasn't the fault of my sunny disposition.  The logical reason was physical and I'm thankful for modern medicine to help me sort it out.

But a pill does not fit all the variables of life's ups and downs.  And so, as I entered the realm of divorce, I realized that it was time to find a professional to help navigate its difficult path. I'm grateful knowing that she is available as a touchstone for my happiness.  Looking outside oneself is difficult and having an unbiased person provide feedback is invaluable.  After visiting her last week, we realized it had been 16 months since our last session.  It's encouraging that once a goal is reached, maintenance can be simple with a positive attitude and good doctors.

Re-education?

Successfully inducing closure on a painful life event remains challenging.  For most of my adult life, I did not have a fully loaded emotional tool box.  I didn't know what I didn't know!  Perhaps if there had been a college exit exam testing emotional readiness for adulthood, I might be better prepared (and maybe still in college!)

But I'm no different than the bulk of my peers.  We drifted into our jobs, marriages, social life and families of our own making.  Looking back, I can see how my "get it done" mentality left no room for introspection.  Life was for the LIVING, not the philosophical and so I plowed through 3 decades of projects leaving scant time for my personal growth.

Finally, that time has come and I'm playing catch-up.  Another life transition is occurring but I choose enlightenment over ignorance.  My "to do" list is made up of clearing away years' worth of clutter so that I can embrace myself and others in a more caring fashion with mindfulness being key to my re-education.  There is still much to do in the daily routine of living, yet I allow it only minimal time.

The concept is so clear in my mind that I feel frustrated when others of my generation aren't working on themselves.  How do I tap them on the shoulder and turn them to the light?  Sounds ridiculous because it is; they're the only ones who can choose their path and who am I to say that their darkness is any less valuable than my pursuit of happiness?  I can say it if they start drifting into my path and casting shadows upon my light!

In another time, I didn't feel worthy enough to stand up for my dignity if I felt it had been assaulted.  That is changing.  I might be slower than ideal, but I get there and given time for reflection, I'm finding it easier to confront those who have cast their shadows upon me.

I confront myself, them, and then I forgive us both.  Humanity is a harsh business at times and getting lost on its paths is commonplace but it need not be a lifetime of wandering.  Instead, I will just walk around others blocking my joyful path; I don't like getting knee deep in their life muck but I've found it will wash off and I end up being smarter for the diversion.

My Own Two

Now that both children spend the bulk of their time away from me with their summer jobs, school, etc., I've been plotting how to stay connected to the vibrant world they inhabit.  Not by being a FB or Instagram stalker of their own activities, but staying in touch with the wondrous pop culture that interests them and causes them to reflect and react.

Assuredly, being around teens keeps one youthful and that is part of the loss I'm feeling as they are leaping from the nest.  I miss the running commentaries about new gadgets, up and coming music, ridiculous television shows, and their unique perspectives concerning world events.

Yes, we are so much more linked than I was at this age.  Then, it might have been one phone call home per week and an occasional letter and now we can actually engage with them on social media...no, that would be going too far.  We can actually look at their postings but heaven forbid we "like" or comment too often.

If I were to go back into the school system as a substitute teacher, it would be much easier to dip my toe into youth culture but admittedly, after six years of dealing with high school and my kids, I'm not interested in that venue any longer.

Young people besides my own two might give me that touchstone of culture that I'm missing...but truly, is it that I miss hearing the musings of youth or just my own two?  With that, I'll try to follow along as I see their funny quips online and links to follow as something catches their eye.  It won't be the same but I will try to see it as better.  After all, I've tried to teach them to stay engaged and hungry for knowledge and experiences that will enhance their lives and propel them to reach out to others.

If I'm lucky, they may still reach out to me to share a tidbit now and then....