Outlier or Out Liar

The Hardest Places to Live in America

I realize that I'm an outlier in terms of my heritage and geographical upbringing.  My county ranks 3,076 out of 3,135 counties in the U.S.  After reading this piece, my first thought wasn't how poorly we ranked but how fortunate we were that we weren't at the bottom!

And perhaps that is the key to living what most would consider a successful life.  I looked at the article's information with a glass half full mentality just as I lived my life.  Adversity did not pin me down but provided insight to other "life ladders" within my reach.  I took advantage of those ladders by lying to myself about my probable success.  Regardless of self esteem issues brought on by living in poverty, I was able to summon forth action.  There were times in my young life that I felt crippled by perfectionism, fear, circumstance and still I acted because each step felt like a "hail Mary."  What did I have to lose?

With the perspective of age, I can see that I am the progeny of two outliers.  They have also beat the odds and in the case of my brothers and I, outlier plus outlier equals above average chance of having an outlier.

The question begs to be answered...nature or nurture?  An answer is complicated just as the statistics of outliers is problematic.  My family did not provide emotional nurturing as defined by today's standards but I was also not denied opportunities to chase hare-brained schemes.  If I felt strongly enough, I was given free rein to explore my potential.  I knew that no one would be there for me emotionally if I failed.  Lying to myself that it was okay to be alone with successes or failures eventually caught up with me.  Getting closer to mid life, I stopped my mental "lie speak" and faced a hard truth.

And so I've been preoccupied with "adding up" my 50 years of life.  Have I done enough?  What is enough?  Is life as I know it now...enough?

No.

Sharing my dreams with someone who will assuredly support me if I've failed OR succeeded will give me enough...enough to keep climbing ladders for the next 50 years.

A Lesson Learned

“Education is not preparation for life, education is life itself.”  John Dewey

This is the approach I'm using as I seek enlightenment concerning the next half of my life.  I have friends who persistently delay starting new projects, relationships, travel, career changes and all because they want to educate themselves before making a move.  Preparation certainly makes transitions easier but used as a crutch, it stymies true growth.

Often, I will commit to a life enhancing event for the simple motivation of it; preparation then becomes highly effective with the pressure of time!  In these last weeks of the year, of my first 50 years, I'm resisting the urge to set a monumental goal for completion.  My life has been extraordinary and I'm pleased that I've been busy LIVING it rather than preparing for it.  Sometimes I get frustrated with not having new experiences come at a daily pace but that's when I remember how easy it is to lose one's mindfulness.  I find that forgiving myself becomes easier and acceptance of life's mundane moments is part of the process.  In fact, it's probably nature's way of helping our systems rest and reboot for the next great event we have planned.

Life is teaching me and as an eager and clumsy student, I often make mistakes.  But I have realized that harsh reprimands only come if I force them on myself.  I'm very grateful that I've learned patience by living rather than preparing....

Food Food Food

The cruelest of nature's tricks...hitting our stride in mid life and NOT being able to indulge in all our favorite foods.  They have been banished to the UNHEALTHY food category!!  No, is is not possible to make our favorite recipes healthy and tasty.  The taste is the whole point!  I find myself substituting the butter, the sugar, the oil and then crowing to my guests that "they are going to love it and it's healthy."  They don't love it.  They eat it, smile and agree that it's definitely healthy and we all pretend that we are happy 40+ adults who have tricked the system.

We know we haven't.  It doesn't taste like our food. It tastes like the paper pages of our cook books we propped up on our counter.  If possible, I would send out my internal metabolism switch for repair but Mother Nature has claimed that replacement parts are no longer available.

Will it be gluttony then during the holidays with my favorite goodies?  Only to a point.  I concede that I cannot indulge without guilt, therefore, I will choose my luxuries with care.  Rather than tasting all of the desserts, I will succumb to one and devour with gusto.  And ONLY one per day....

With age comes wisdom?  Perhaps resolution.  Food is comfort.  Comfort is happiness.  Happiness is divine.

Divinity tastes great....

Beyond 50

Francis Thompson wrote, “For we are born in other’s pain, / And perish in our own.” Edward Young wrote, “Our birth is nothing but our death begun.” Francis Bacon: “What then remains, but that we still should cry / Not to be born, or being born, to die?” The first sentence of Vladimir Nabokov’s Speak, Memory is: “The cradle rocks above an abyss, and common sense tells us that our existence is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness.”   (From: The Thing About Life is One Day You'll Be Dead--David Shields)
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My year has been filled with emotional insights.  Expectations have crashed with reality, experiences have collided with dreams, and my perception of ME has evolved.  The grace of living has made me thankful.  I breathe with fulfillment.  The sun rises and I rise.

So many of my generation seek spirituality...but I've waited.  Fearful.  I'm growing out of the fear and into that woman who can seek a spirit beyond herself yet within me waiting to be felt.

I get to turn 50.  I will celebrate my good fortune to have felt 50 years of life!  And I want to feel 50 more.  My kind of existence is heaven-like in comparison to so many suffering in this world.  I appreciate it, I honor it, I want to live in a fashion that pays homage to the gift of life I've been given.

If, as it says above, that my life is "but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness," I want my eyes to burn looking at the sun until the last second before it sets.

50

Whole-Some of the Time

"Wholeness does not mean perfection: it means embracing brokenness as an integral part of life. Knowing this gives me hope that human wholeness – mine, yours, ours – need not be a utopian dream, if we can use devastation as a seedbed for new life."  Palmer Parker

As the days tick closer to my 50th birthday, I find myself seeking wise words.  The gift of age is understanding that our expanding knowledge moves like a lava flow.  At times it bursts forth in dramatic fashion but mostly it flows slowly and swallows us whole.

Feeling less than whole at this stage of life is supposedly normal.  Wanting to be normal is supposedly...normal.

I find solace in the words of other brave souls who admit to feeling less than prepared for life's second half.  Seeing those women who wave the flags of re-invention do not spur me to reinvent anything.  I rather like who I've become and that's due to my acceptance of not becoming anything!  Who I am is unchangeable.  How I think and react is totally fluid.  Wisdom about myself has come with my age; it has come as I gathered up the fragments of my life.

Broken Mirror

I looked in the mirror as a young girl
And saw my older self.
Calmly observing my face,
I was disappointed.

Is this all, I asked.
Shouldn't I be more?
Why did I look like
myself?

Disappointment broke that reflection.
Fragments of my mirror scattered.
Pieces of me were given away.
I was happy to be broken.

But now I look again and accept
My vessel.
Now I place the pieces together
And find myself whole, unchanged, again.

This wholesome feeling...some of the time,
Unbroken, much of the time,
Accepting, all of the time...
And given...more time....

Narration

It's a cool thing to hear someone narrate my article.  I'm just indulging my vanity by posting this...and I don't mind indulging.  HAH  ;-)

An Open Letter...narrated on Umano

The Safety of Two

"Every living being has a God-appointed guardian spirit that walks through life with her or him. Your guardian spirit remains with you whether or not you recognize its presence. However, recognition, praise, and thanksgiving of your guardian spirit will strengthen its presence and influence in your life."                                                                                                                                         Iyanla Vanzant

Why not?  Patronus, guardian angel, pet rock...why not believe that an other worldly entity is quietly protecting us?  

The "lovey" we held as children cast away the scary creatures under our bed, kept us calm when away from our parents, and listened to our dreams and travails without judgment.

My last two years of seeking solace as a single woman has given me time to ponder my spirituality.  No new mate has appeared and my past one continues his struggles with his demons.  And so I need to believe and feel that an adult "lovey" has a presence in my life. 

Why not feel safer knowing the protective bubble which surrounds me is a gift from God...a gift to remind me that I do not walk alone.

There is safety in numbers and the number can be two.

She Whispered

She captured feminine essence
Simply
She whispered promises
Softly

Glancing over us
Seeing beyond us
She cloaked herself in
Mystery

Unable to reach adequately
What she craved so deeply
She whispered agony
Quietly

Personal Space

By stretching the boundaries of my personal and soul space, I invite some inside hoping to see how well we might mesh while enjoying the fierce light of a future together.

It's an interesting endeavor as the preparation  two individuals undergo separately means the odds of a "perfect match" are rare.  Actually, a perfect match sounds rather boring.  The sauce of life ends up being how two people handle mismatched ingredients in life's strange stew!

Three feet from our body's center make up our personal space.  Beyond that, we concede control to the environment.  How we take ownership of our decisions within that space lies solely with our choices.  

No matter how crowded it feels when the uninvited enter and push us against ourselves, we are still left with a choice...it might be to simply dissolve into meditation or prayer to stay alive or sane but it is STILL a choice.

Although I strive for inner peace, I accept that constant peace would destroy my joy for life.  I like feeling challenges and finding personal solutions.  It's joyful learning how to add the unexpected to my routine...how to make room in my personal space for another...how to heal when disappointment adds bitterness....

Personal space doesn't have to be empty.