Done With the Doing

It is hard for me to measure the scale of change that my life has undergone in the past decade.  Had I known what was to come then, I might have cowered under the covers and not peeked out until the process was complete.  Of course, the main lesson I have learned is that life is CONSTANT CHANGE!  As much as I wish for it to remain static so that I can "enjoy" the moment, it is as fluid as running water.

I return to journal entries from those early days of upheaval...the move from one state to another, the medical drama, the failure of my spouse, another move to a state far away and finally, the separation from my mate....

What I can see is a struggle to understand myself as I pivot from one drama to the next.  Had I brought these events on by my own action, then the understanding might have come more naturally.  But I did not.  And I was left with reacting responsibly, maturely, and with compassion for how it would affect my children.  My children were my saving grace.  Their needs far outweighed my own and by providing a stable environment for them, I gave myself some time to cope with life's mysteries.  Instinctively, I knew that my own happiness was tied tightly to their own and now that they've left the nest successfully, I can rest more easily as I manage my own happiness.

Today, a counselor that I have visited during difficult times reminded me of a goal I ignore too often...becoming better at doing NOTHING!  ha ha  Or as she said, "...being done with the doing."  Even my visit to her is more of a friendly visit without a checklist for accomplishments.  Progress then is being made.  

Action.  Performance.  Achievement.  Repeat.

It is difficult for me to break this routine.  

I have even applied it to finding new romance in my life...as if it were a test of my abilities....

I am not scared of being alone as that's how I've found myself mostly in the last two years.  Perhaps I must admit to being fearful of failure...failure to live up to what society expects of a middle aged, divorced, empty nested woman!  Why was I basing my life goals on what was expected versus what I needed?  Today I was reminded that I don't need that answer to move forward.  I can simply acknowledge it and observe its broader meaning in culture.

Done with doing.  I feel done with trying to fit a mold.  I can't "live up" to the self-help gurus expectations because they're NOT me.  

Much to the chagrin of the reality TV crowd, I will not be a partying mid life woman carousing with a multitude of men.  I tried to think that way and it's not my life's path.  Instinct tells me that I am meant to hold one hand and celebrate within the safety-comfort-love of one other...not many.  

Done with the doing.  Now just happy to be feeling.