A Year In....

I love my naughty moments...they give me a chance to forgive myself and since that's been a rare thing in my life, being naughty is really being good to myself...??!!  :-)

That's the story I'm sticking to for now.  

My time as a blogger on the "divorce issue" is winding down.  I'm a year in and a lot of other topics are taking precedence in my life.  It will undoubtedly come up often but focusing on it is no longer a priority.  I am not contemplating a new life; I am living a new life.  And I am in the midst of discovering parts of my personality that have long been buried.

1)  Full on Barbie...I can either fight her or embrace her with a wink.  Or maybe a wink and a pinch?  As my modeling agent counsels, why not just be the perceived "girl next door?"  I come across that way, I'm comfortable with it, and it's not as easy as it looks...I am called upon to SMILE at completely stupid stuff.  I guess that's talent? ;-)

2)  Philosopher...EXCUSE ME!  I counsel my children to explore the boundaries of thought and defy the conventions of their generation.  True, I do so in a motherly fashion...I want them to do it safely and with consideration for others.  I don't want them to argue with an armed idiot nor do I want them to get jailed by a dense cop.  I want them to question the obvious and explore the alternatives.  And I have to step up and be more of a role model for them...and share these intriguing thoughts of mine....

3)  Goddess...the entire concept of sensuality has been my inner battle.  And with a great exhale, I release her, my inner goddess who offers far more conflict for some of my suitors than for me.  I will just luxuriate in the business of romance because it comes without effort and those gentleman who can't handle who I am now...they can just go handle a little less goddess.  tsk tsk tsk

4)  Adventurer...bring it on!

     

Swoosh II

Born too late for an era long past....

There's something to be said for simpler times.  I'm struggling to embrace advice for the "modern woman" and struggling to feel comfortable being a "modern" dater...but I'm finding the transition to be painful.

As a technicality, my ex did not hold me back from trying new things per se...it was the consistent picking apart of my efforts that I allowed to hold me back.  Had I been more of  "modern miss" who could stand her ground and NOT make peace, I might have had more adventures in my early life.

I just couldn't get past the sniping and that's my fault.  I did say "yes" to a mate who had already proven himself to be the expert on a multitude of topics.  And being somewhat of a perfectionist, I allowed my fears to combine with his criticism and thwart my inner adventurer.

Today I worked with him briefly to move my son from the dormitory.  What a relief that I didn't have to accompany them back to that house.  I'm happy that my son is content to do so and that I left the household intact...but oh what JOY filled me as I drove away from that place!

What I am moving toward though is still unclear.  I don't feel that BURNING desire to excel in a career.  I don't have the competitive spirit to be "the best" at any particular thing.  My skill set lies in the development of deeply felt relationships but that's probably because I was isolated.  Whether through my fault or his, it remains the case...all of the bonding and severing that I did within my marriage as we moved across the country has taken its toll.  The one constant was the main relationship, the marriage, but as it failed so did my career as chief of our team.

Where do old coaches go to die?  They don't.  But how do they pivot and follow the direction of their new compass?  How do they absorb all of the well given advice when what they really want to do is be back in a familiar place...not the old homestead but beside someone who helps them chart a path together.

It is said that danger is real but fear is an illusion.  I am marching forward to keep the fear at bay by moving...just moving.  I suppose the Scouts would say "Stay put and we'll find you," but after doing that for two plus decades, I've lost my confidence in that particular value.

As I struggle to embrace the advice of "date multiple men so that you can choose correctly," I yearn for some long ago era when it was simpler...and probably untrue.  Being with one leaves me feeling safe...being with many is stressful enough that I may just start closing the lid again.  Perhaps isolation for some isn't as bad as I think.  But it was bad enough at one time that I fled the gilded cage....

Maybe some know why the caged bird sings...I know why the bird with two broken wings still struggles to move.  Lying in the dirt exposed to the elements, exposed to the passing dangers is NOT safe and moving until the last bit of strength is in me is the only choice.  The swoosh of life keeps growing louder.

A River Runs Through It

"... life is water. It runs, slips, evaporates, changes course . . .”  George Estreich


For some, the process of blogging or journaling is therapeutic.  Recent studies show on the contrary that revisiting our entries can set back our progress.  The common wisdom of keeping a diary is making way for the new idea of writing it down then tearing it up.

I now understand why writing a memoir is so painful.  Once it's put to print, the thought of going through an editing process to get it "right" seems downright sadistic.  

These last few weeks without writing have given me space to grieve.  My subconscious acknowledgement of the anniversary time frame I've entered preys upon my psyche regardless of my wishes.

Last year at this time I was in a state of euphoria.  Pride filled me as I took charge of my own destiny.  Fear took a back seat to action and I barreled my way through to a new life.  It was enlightening.  

And it continues to be a rebirth of sorts and also the rearing of old fears.  At one time, my greatest fear was that I would die the loneliest woman ever while married.  I now know that multitudes of women have/had that fear as well.  It seemed so wasteful to carry on a dead relationship when all I wanted was to be touched at a deeper level...to be understood and cherished and made to feel safe.  My ex may never evolve to that kind of person OR he may be exactly the kind of man that another woman is looking for and fulfills her in ways that he could never do with me.

And so I write again to explore my progress.  I have to depend on myself to find that deeper level for evolution.  I have to make myself feel cherished, respected, and wanted.  Most of all, I have to release the idea that a man will come forward to help me with these things.

No one could have explained to me that divorce is really about facing our fear of solitude.  Once we are completely alone, the reflection in the mirror can be haunting.  Solitude equals truth and as I'm meeting its test, I'm facing the fact that being alone may be my lot in life.  

Alone in a marriage or simply alone in life.  Let the internal debate begin.

"We don't pick "closed off" men because we can be close, we pick closed off men because we're AFRAID to be close. We're happy to work hard to try to break him down - because inside we KNOW it can't be done." Rori Raye

How hard it is to admit being SPOILED.

Intimacy of my emotional nature is the next hurdle.

It may take me a while to work up the strength....

Flash

Over exposed.  Saturation.  In a flash, it all becomes too much for us.

We ladies who walk alone in mid life often talk about the crushing feelings of loneliness, but can it not also be said that attention can crush us as well?  Or maybe it says more about me....

I worked at two different times in my life with groups of women and found them to be utterly exhausting as they huddled together to solve a myriad of self-proclaimed problems.  Unlike the brothers I grew up with, these ladies TALKED and fretted and thoroughly immersed themselves in the minutiae of a perceived problem.  Maddening.

My former life was filled with alone time during the day and lacked spousal attention even when he was in the house.  Long days, busy schedules, gaps of time spent apart...perhaps it acclimated me to a lonely life of my choosing.  And now that I'm in this very single life, I catch myself opting for alone time over couple time.

The entire atmosphere of dating leaves me feeling muddled.  Reading about attachment styles, gender based differences, effects of my childhood on my mate choice is enough to make me want to simply throw down the books and continue on unattached.

(a night of sleep)

And so I wake up this morning because my computer was "overcome" with a weakened battery...just as I was last night....

Reflection.  Introspection.  And smiles because I'm learning, I'm being taught that a simple rest from heavy thoughts can cure my over exposure....

It  would be nice to share my pondering with someone right now and have a warm sounding board rather than this keyboard!  :-)

What Women Want

It's time to make peace with my inner girl.  I forgive her for the ignorance she displayed as a 23 year old when she was unable to distinguish between chemistry and intimacy.

Looking at the photos of my young self getting married shock me.  I knew so little of the world and even less about the requirements of a mature relationship.

As a single woman now, I don't want to "make up for the mistake" of my earlier marriage.  I've learned.  I've struggled.  I've gained insight.  Perhaps I've even given birth to myself by taking on this opportunity to start anew!

It's very important now that I study the differences between a chemical attraction and the more satisfying intimate relationship.  From what I'm learning, our bodies are biologically fixed to react in a positive fashion for the sake of baby making.  Now that those days are over, I have to make a conscious effort to avert a chemical "stink" bomb!  When I feel the addictive pull toward a man for no reason other than physical...I'm stopping myself.  I'm paying attention to what is really happening between us.

Silly dating articles are full of the "romance" of chemical attraction but I'm hoping my brain gets turned on too.  In fact, I am so distrustful of the body's response that I am purposely going out with a man on a second date BECAUSE I didn't feel a strong physical response.  He was smart, funny, relatively attractive...so why didn't I feel that spark?  For me, it is worth the time to find out.

In answer to the query of "what women want," perhaps we should redirect and think about "What does a woman's body want that isn't important to a woman's brain?"

Physical, mental, and emotional health quotient...it's not just for children anymore....

Asteroid Hit

What is divorce actually like?  I wasn't quite sure how to answer the young woman asking me but I borrowed a few lines from a cancer patient I'd heard on TV.  And true, divorce doesn't mean death as cancer might, but it is dealing with an ongoing and stressful dilemma with results unknown for quite a while.

Divorce is like getting hit by a bus.  Then after rising, getting hit by a train.  And after rising one more time and walking away, the asteroid hits.

Sounds final but the finality is actually a relief for the divorce.  Its different stages of acceptance, grief, and resolution seem to repeat themselves over and over until one day, the hit is so hard and so catastrophic that the only option is to then just get up and be happy for that being enough.

Where else is there to go after the final asteroid hit?  Maybe it's seeing the ex get remarried, go through a life trauma, or even pass away...but a point does come that the hits will no longer hurt and the falls no longer happen because of divorce but just because life makes us fall down and rise again.

Glancing over my shoulder, I'm shocked by the pot-holed road behind me.  It didn't seem quite that treacherous but it's there and I know I traveled it.  I honestly don't know how I navigated all of my falls but here I am intact.  Hearing a good friend of mine consider taking the same path gives me pause.  I know that it's survivable, painful, and I am CERTAIN that I would not choose another path...but it is difficult and not for the faint of spirit.  I spent an entire year just getting ready for the journey itself....

My path has turned to the open plains now.  It's vast and intimidating without many areas for cover.  I know how many pioneers have come before me and I know the path will be littered with their mistakes, but there is no going back.  And going forth alone is particularly scary.  What I remind myself is that it's NOT as scary as  the life I was in...being an invisible person in a marriage made for two but occupied by only one.

All this deep seeded philosophical thinking just leads me to the next step...I have to keep opening myself up to new experiences and those shall involve new men.  Is there a more naked feeling?  I will gladly pose half naked for a photographer but baring the soft underbelly of my vulnerabilities...my own spirit...now that is the kind of naked that still makes me shy!