Like Attracts Like

Be what you seek....

Skinning this cat is tricksy.  After posting the nostalgic ponderings of Bob Marley yesterday, I thought hard about why he and others idealize love and soul mates.

Marley put himself in a creative zone enhanced with the fantasy like quality of island life and the purple haze of drugs.  It's a grand goal to think that we can feel beloved by someone on a 24/7 basis.  It's also the kind of pressure that limits our growth.  Why would someone try to begin a relationship to fulfill all the attributes that Marley writes about?

Am I saying it is impossible?  Yes...and I'm a fairy tale believer!  The difference is that my fairy tale reads more like Shrek than Cinderella.  I have come to the realization that the "one" may be different for each phase of our life.  If the original "one" is unwilling to make the life evolution needed , then it does not bode well for the future of a couple.

The pace of modern life, the insular qualities that society demands of its families, and the incredible reach of technology into our very private spaces demand a change in how we approach personal relationships.  All the wonderful things that Marley hopes to find in his one true love may be better spread out among many relationships including close family and friends.  The notion that one person can be ALL in today's society doesn't seem feasible.

And so, as life develops for we mid life divorcees, words of advice from old love songs and poems seem quaint and outdated.  It doesn't mean that our future date mates will be missing out on romance, it just means that the fairy tale has been given a good dose of realism.

Bob the Oracle

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 
― Bob Marley

“The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” 
― Bob Marley

He proclaimed that his music would live forever; I believe it's his sentiments that will carry that music more so than the rhythms.  The weight of his philosophies were lessened only by the life he lived which he sought to transcend through drugs and life experience.

We meet people for particular reasons...perhaps the "Bob fan" I met was sent to cross my path so that I would be encouraged to learn more about the poet Marley.

School is in Session

Hard truths.

Dating is NOT something I necessarily enjoy.  I have been told that I should enjoy this time as a child would in a candy shop.  Really?  When my own kids went to the candy shop, they became overwhelmed with the choices.  It was hard for them to remember what really satisfied their sweet tooth and they would end up trying out new candies that weren't necessarily to their taste.

And should we talk about the indigestion?  Too much of a good thing is still too much!

The hard truths are as follows:

• I prefer to be a private person.  Meeting all these new folks and sharing our stories is stressful.
• Chemistry matters!  If I don't feel that "zing," it will not matter how long we get to know each other.
• It has been proven...if you are NOT happy when you begin a relationship, then you will NOT be happy after the initial rush is over.  FACT-That rush can last up to two years.  
• Serial daters desensitize themselves just as a band-aid eventually loses its "sticky" once it's been lifted too many times.  I don't want to be that used up band-aid.  If I find someone who is worthy of my attention, then I have zero need to keep searching in case there is someone "better."  
• If all parts of a man come together as the "perfect" one for you, but he doesn't believe in himself...then don't try to fix him.  It's impossible.  He needs to heal from the inside out and he may choose to never do that by NOT getting the help necessary.  It's the saddest hard truth.

Maybe the hardest thing to accept is that the list of hard truths will probably grow longer.  Our goals as humans, as "lost" mates can't be set in stone.  Adjusting one's goals and expectations isn't a weakness but a strength as we learn what we find acceptable in the strange world of being single.

Silver Linings Playbook

When I saw this movie last weekend, I felt compelled to roll it around my brain for hours afterward.  It makes complete sense now why all the main actors were nominated for awards.  Their personas captured the tapestry of a family torn asunder by the dilemma of mental health problems.

Examining the movie will provide hours of cinema critique, but examining the characters tosses us into a mirror looking back at ourselves.

How is it that LOVE makes us so blind?  Is the human instinct so powerfully ingrained that we imprint upon others regardless of imminent danger to our psyches?  One would think that Mother Nature knows what she's doing...we are chemically drawn to one another for procreation and once the familial unit is formed, our hormones continue the process of bonding so that the offspring is protected and reared appropriately.

Our societies set up systems to keep us bound to one another through religion, education, and politics.  And so, we are urged to stay in an original coupling regardless of how painful and crippling it might be for our mental stability.  Something in this movie struck a chord in me of how much suffering is required to keep those family bonds in tact.  The sacrifice of the parents for their children, the continued love from the children for these aging parents...all of it is presented in such a fashion to make we viewers question our commitments to our loved ones.

As the fog of this divorce passes, I will feel safer defining my goals with or without a partner.  My children are practically grown.  Within 16 months, both of them will be considered adults by law but as a mother, I know they won't be "cooked" for quite a while.  Mothering doesn't end ever and I can thank my own mother for that wonderful lesson.

Look for the silver lining in a dark cloud?  No, I think we should look for the silver lining of daylight once the fog rises and then it might be safe again to explore a playbook for the future.

Let it Burn

Inspiration can come from the oddest places.  Yesterday, I took some time to grieve for the "lost potential" of a relationship.  In that time I came to terms with the fact that the struggle for some people to find fulfillment might be their life long cross to bear.

And with the idea that I was meant to take something from this experience, I choose to remember the "blues."  Turning on my music channel, I hear "Let it Burn."  Yes, that fire in my belly that I like to be close to...well, I'm not going to dampen it.  Instead, these last few weeks of getting to know an individual isn't wasted, it's simply another log placed on my roaring fire of discovery.

It feels so empowering to know that I can stay true to the path I have chosen.  Those little side jaunts remind me of my children's video games.  I veer off course, fight some battles, earn scars and rewards, and when I get back on my path, my life force has been doubled!

So I listen to this song, Let it Burn, and it's not the "blues" I feel...it's the incredible power of the flame that makes me stronger.  Inspiration is a journey and what a gift I will give one day to another when they join me on this trek.

Let it burn, baby...let it burn...

BIG SMILES

Grief

Today I grieve.

For all the cacophony that blares about our self-indulgent society, so many of us do not allow time for grief.  We are assailed with the fear that when we stop moving forward in recovery, then we stop moving at all.

I'm guilty of that and am somewhat defiant.  I have NOT wanted to stop for the grief.  The physical act of crying and wailing may be therapeutic for some but I dread its appearance.  As a sunny person, I hate the dark clouds of sorrow.  And yet, without them, how could we appreciate the brighter days?

And so I grieve.  Life didn't turn out the way I expected. I mistakenly believed in keeping my hopes at a minimum, therefore when the tide turned, I wouldn't be too disappointed.  My, how we delude ourselves as we seek inner solace.  It was the exact opposite...my heart really wanted the whole fairy tale.  I wanted it.  And it didn't come true.

What will I do?

For a bit, grief can have its way with me.  And in sturdy Appalachian fashion, I will sweep it aside again and get about finding my new fairy tale.  Darn it!  I still believe.  :-)  I believe happiness trumps grief.  I believe.

Swoosh

The sound of the bullet that I just dodged...Swoosh.  Fine, a relationship bullet but one that could have been detrimental to my forward march.  Swoosh.

As my circle widens, I know I will encounter more of these sad men who are addicted to their stories of woe.  It's much easier to convince themselves they are incapable of being in a healthy relationship than it is to actually do the hard work to be in one.  I found the grit to release myself from that kind of marriage and with the help of a wonderful counselor, I'm listening to my inner antennae and extricating myself if I have a "sense" that I'm about to succumb to that again.

I don't mind being in the firing line.  I know that to win big, one has to bet big.  GO BIG OR GO HOME is actually a good motto in the relationship world.

Gee, I better stop patting myself on my back and go about the daily business of being fulfilled...after all, somebody's got to do it for all the ones who are too scared to try.  Naughty me! ;-)