Dodging Darkness

One of my greatest failings is finding that TINY nugget of goodness buried deep in a mountain of BAD!

Yes, it's a failing because I tend to focus on that nugget rather than the gut feeling of "Run, this is not a good thing!"

I'm ready to accept this weakness and begin the process of making it a strength.  I sooooooooo want to believe in the inherent goodness of people that I truly don't want to be open to their ugliness.  The longer I venture into the world, I'm convinced that some kind of protective bubble encases me!  Otherwise, I would surely get into more scrapes because some of my choices deserve a great big raw and bloody wipe out!

But I'm learning.  And tonight I closed the door to a dark man before he could get more than a boot tip across the threshold of my too soft countenance.  

The wolves will never tame themselves and they will always go back to their own...just as the dark men will don their sheep's clothing and when we're not looking...they will strike for their own reward.

Darkness has been dodged again.  And I'm learning without too much collateral damage.

A Lull When it Happens

I'm not sure if the change coming in my life will be stormy or sunny, but I can feel it building.  Interestingly enough, I recognize the quiet before the shift occurs.  It's a lull when it happens, a pause of energy as if a great breath is being taken for strength.

That palpable feeling of transition leaves me feeling anxious.  Part of me understands that if I quietly contemplate the changes to come then I will know exactly how to direct them.  But life is about the element of surprise.  Were I to unmask the face of it then the sorrow or joy of finding out early might be my undoing.

Intuitive analysts are eager to gather in think tanks, addressing the probabilities of what may occur in various situations.  Now that my family unit is apart, I no longer have a tank of thinkers.  I'm on my own but have been reminded by a few people lately that loneliness is just a choice, not a forgone conclusion.  Of course I have chosen loneliness for now!  How else could I lick my wounds satisfactorily?  Healing must start from within and it's my own scabs that I choose to pick or not.  

Parting the curtains, lifting the veil, revealing the center of the cool heat that is me may be the daunting task I have to face.  Yet, it's a lull when it happens...a breath of discovery than cannot be taken away...and sadly, a gift given isn't necessarily a gift wanted....

One is never too old to yearn.---An Italian Proverb

Confronting Matter Not Right

I admire souls confronting their darkness

Screaming at shadows playing by light

Fingers extended to offer forgiveness

Fists then angrily curling up tight

I admire souls confronting their lightness

Laughing at memories slipping awry

Thoughts left open in gaping awareness

Hiding in crevices of matter not right

I admire souls confronting their darkness

Crying for memories now left behind

Gray matter dissolving and tears

Are drowning the person I was 

Now matter not right

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It is a daily challenge for me to face the transition that my brain undergoes.  When I first learned that my gray matter was "not right" as the doctor put it, I raged.  I was vain.  My delight in how I could extract my thoughts and then use brilliant words to express them...well, I exalted in my gift.

I don't drop to my knees now and give thanks for what I have left.  I'm not like that.  Instead, I keep an inner rage continuing so that my brain catches fire in another way...it's an odd feeling to be a stranger inside myself.  The discovery of what I can do is a daily adventure, not of my choosing, but I'm determined that those new pathways will reveal more brilliance.  

Some like to share their light...some like to flaunt their darkness...I will be happy to embrace my fire for my gray matter that is "not right."

I'm just me...

How wise a statement from a good friend....

"I'm just me and that makes people do things."

This simple observation and powerful truth dig at our gut level responses to certain individuals.

Politicians are elected because of style over substance.

Access is granted to the genetically endowed beautiful people.

Favor is given to the intellectual magpies.

Discussion then
Analysis then
Conclusion equal the reality that narcissism exists within us to the point of denial that our "being" is another's undoing...or another's grace.

Breathe me

Soothe me
Wash me
Warm me
Envelop me
Cool me
Breathe me
Soothe me

Be me

A Year In....

I love my naughty moments...they give me a chance to forgive myself and since that's been a rare thing in my life, being naughty is really being good to myself...??!!  :-)

That's the story I'm sticking to for now.  

My time as a blogger on the "divorce issue" is winding down.  I'm a year in and a lot of other topics are taking precedence in my life.  It will undoubtedly come up often but focusing on it is no longer a priority.  I am not contemplating a new life; I am living a new life.  And I am in the midst of discovering parts of my personality that have long been buried.

1)  Full on Barbie...I can either fight her or embrace her with a wink.  Or maybe a wink and a pinch?  As my modeling agent counsels, why not just be the perceived "girl next door?"  I come across that way, I'm comfortable with it, and it's not as easy as it looks...I am called upon to SMILE at completely stupid stuff.  I guess that's talent? ;-)

2)  Philosopher...EXCUSE ME!  I counsel my children to explore the boundaries of thought and defy the conventions of their generation.  True, I do so in a motherly fashion...I want them to do it safely and with consideration for others.  I don't want them to argue with an armed idiot nor do I want them to get jailed by a dense cop.  I want them to question the obvious and explore the alternatives.  And I have to step up and be more of a role model for them...and share these intriguing thoughts of mine....

3)  Goddess...the entire concept of sensuality has been my inner battle.  And with a great exhale, I release her, my inner goddess who offers far more conflict for some of my suitors than for me.  I will just luxuriate in the business of romance because it comes without effort and those gentleman who can't handle who I am now...they can just go handle a little less goddess.  tsk tsk tsk

4)  Adventurer...bring it on!

     

Swoosh II

Born too late for an era long past....

There's something to be said for simpler times.  I'm struggling to embrace advice for the "modern woman" and struggling to feel comfortable being a "modern" dater...but I'm finding the transition to be painful.

As a technicality, my ex did not hold me back from trying new things per se...it was the consistent picking apart of my efforts that I allowed to hold me back.  Had I been more of  "modern miss" who could stand her ground and NOT make peace, I might have had more adventures in my early life.

I just couldn't get past the sniping and that's my fault.  I did say "yes" to a mate who had already proven himself to be the expert on a multitude of topics.  And being somewhat of a perfectionist, I allowed my fears to combine with his criticism and thwart my inner adventurer.

Today I worked with him briefly to move my son from the dormitory.  What a relief that I didn't have to accompany them back to that house.  I'm happy that my son is content to do so and that I left the household intact...but oh what JOY filled me as I drove away from that place!

What I am moving toward though is still unclear.  I don't feel that BURNING desire to excel in a career.  I don't have the competitive spirit to be "the best" at any particular thing.  My skill set lies in the development of deeply felt relationships but that's probably because I was isolated.  Whether through my fault or his, it remains the case...all of the bonding and severing that I did within my marriage as we moved across the country has taken its toll.  The one constant was the main relationship, the marriage, but as it failed so did my career as chief of our team.

Where do old coaches go to die?  They don't.  But how do they pivot and follow the direction of their new compass?  How do they absorb all of the well given advice when what they really want to do is be back in a familiar place...not the old homestead but beside someone who helps them chart a path together.

It is said that danger is real but fear is an illusion.  I am marching forward to keep the fear at bay by moving...just moving.  I suppose the Scouts would say "Stay put and we'll find you," but after doing that for two plus decades, I've lost my confidence in that particular value.

As I struggle to embrace the advice of "date multiple men so that you can choose correctly," I yearn for some long ago era when it was simpler...and probably untrue.  Being with one leaves me feeling safe...being with many is stressful enough that I may just start closing the lid again.  Perhaps isolation for some isn't as bad as I think.  But it was bad enough at one time that I fled the gilded cage....

Maybe some know why the caged bird sings...I know why the bird with two broken wings still struggles to move.  Lying in the dirt exposed to the elements, exposed to the passing dangers is NOT safe and moving until the last bit of strength is in me is the only choice.  The swoosh of life keeps growing louder.