What is the story that you tell yourself?
What is the story that I repeat to myself?
We hear the mantra of "forgive and forget" yet the practical process of how to do this is lost upon us. I like knowing the steps in a process.
Re-claim
Re-define
Re-create
Each day of my reclaimed life is redefining me as I recreate a story that I can be proud of, a hErstory versus a hIstory.
I want to fully see ME and learn to completely accept the quirkiness of who I am. Maybe I don't need any fixing...maybe I just self-acceptance!
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Hidden Selves
Why is the truth of ourselves hidden so well within us?
I reached out to someone who uses arrogance as armor and they did NOT like me tapping on their shield. Rather than ruminate with sadness over their lack of control, I will summon as much compassion as I can for their psyche as the journey they face is a losing one.
No one wants to hear that they are part and parcel of a losing cause. It's certainly not an American ideal that we embrace. We like to be loud and celebrate winning causes. And because those causes make us feel better about ourselves, we are blind to the nature of them...blind to the fact that they may not be good for us.
In politics, the good of the people should be foremost in our hearts. Yet our egos super cede that need and we embrace approaches that instead feed our own personal need for validation. The science of statistics is the great power and as much as we want numbers to change their value, they remain steadfast. Yes, when the odds are very close, there is room for tweaking the outcome. When the odds are utterly disparate, a nontraditional approach to closing the gap is necessary yet today's politics leave little room for tweaking.
I once believed that men were superior in dealing with statistics as they were more adept at putting aside their emotions. What I am finding is that they cannot put aside their hubris and therefore, they skew the outcome. Ah, arrogance....Multi-sensory perception is being explored once again by the masses and is led by women who have proven far superior at reading emotions through body language and facial expressions. The intrinsically poor are more adept at judging the outcomes of interpersonal relationships. Why? Theory is that the poor have depended on personal relationships for actual survival...they have honed their intuitive skills at reading others. And so it may be women coming from poor backgrounds who will lead a true revival of democracy.
As I have been on both sides of the socioeconomic fence, I am struck now with how little progress our society is making to mesh the classes. Could it be that we are content to cycle into an era of haves and have nots? Is it becoming a badge of honor to be in either class and pride ourselves for hating the other? We have entered the era of public shaming. It's embraced in our social media, our workplaces, our daily lives. Our celebrities, our politicians, our heroes must either be perfect or we will shame them into acknowledging their personal demons. And if not done satisfactorily, punishment is quick and severe; the spanking is public spectacle. What was once our private hell becomes fodder for a wider world of condemnation.
The greatest leaders are born within the groups that they must lead. They share the experiences and they connect to the other side in ways that are nonverbal and completely intuitive. Stepping forward to lead the poor and uneducated yet never having been subject to its daily grind might produce sincere thanks but it will not inspire a successful movement. Instead, it might inspire public slaps from both sides of the fence no matter the intent.
I reached out to someone who uses arrogance as armor and they did NOT like me tapping on their shield. Rather than ruminate with sadness over their lack of control, I will summon as much compassion as I can for their psyche as the journey they face is a losing one.
No one wants to hear that they are part and parcel of a losing cause. It's certainly not an American ideal that we embrace. We like to be loud and celebrate winning causes. And because those causes make us feel better about ourselves, we are blind to the nature of them...blind to the fact that they may not be good for us.
In politics, the good of the people should be foremost in our hearts. Yet our egos super cede that need and we embrace approaches that instead feed our own personal need for validation. The science of statistics is the great power and as much as we want numbers to change their value, they remain steadfast. Yes, when the odds are very close, there is room for tweaking the outcome. When the odds are utterly disparate, a nontraditional approach to closing the gap is necessary yet today's politics leave little room for tweaking.
I once believed that men were superior in dealing with statistics as they were more adept at putting aside their emotions. What I am finding is that they cannot put aside their hubris and therefore, they skew the outcome. Ah, arrogance....Multi-sensory perception is being explored once again by the masses and is led by women who have proven far superior at reading emotions through body language and facial expressions. The intrinsically poor are more adept at judging the outcomes of interpersonal relationships. Why? Theory is that the poor have depended on personal relationships for actual survival...they have honed their intuitive skills at reading others. And so it may be women coming from poor backgrounds who will lead a true revival of democracy.
As I have been on both sides of the socioeconomic fence, I am struck now with how little progress our society is making to mesh the classes. Could it be that we are content to cycle into an era of haves and have nots? Is it becoming a badge of honor to be in either class and pride ourselves for hating the other? We have entered the era of public shaming. It's embraced in our social media, our workplaces, our daily lives. Our celebrities, our politicians, our heroes must either be perfect or we will shame them into acknowledging their personal demons. And if not done satisfactorily, punishment is quick and severe; the spanking is public spectacle. What was once our private hell becomes fodder for a wider world of condemnation.
The greatest leaders are born within the groups that they must lead. They share the experiences and they connect to the other side in ways that are nonverbal and completely intuitive. Stepping forward to lead the poor and uneducated yet never having been subject to its daily grind might produce sincere thanks but it will not inspire a successful movement. Instead, it might inspire public slaps from both sides of the fence no matter the intent.
Friday, July 12, 2013
Character
I stood in a very long Disney line two days ago and it wasn't at the theme park. Instead, I was there upon request of my agent to be cast for still photos etc. for their website and print. What I observed has me thinking of how we process our own attractiveness.
What should have taken 30 minutes instead took 5 hours plus and the bulk of that was spent standing in a line outside being exposed to sun and humidity. As I became close acquaintances with 4 models around me, I'm left to wonder at our own tenacity. Somehow, we rationalized our situation and refused to give up on the process. Is that simply another human characteristic or an American quirk?
Our discussions ranged from the need of employment for the younger set to the possibilities for two of us in the older set. Disney wanted to cast a variety of individuals for all ages of "family" with an emphasis on cute kids and attractive older people. Apparently, the older models were driven away by the wait and the conditions with the exception of the beautiful 73 year old who was part of our "line crew."
We were duly impressed with how congenial the participants were...showing off their Disneyesque personalities even under miserable conditions. Arguments did not flair up, line hopping wasn't an issue, even the children who had every right to be upset were behaving or simply taken home once the parents realized that the wait was going to take HOURS!!
Did all of us have such a strong belief in our own attractiveness? I think in large part...we did! Ouch. My new friends and I discussed this and agreed it's an industry based in narcissism. Why can't we represent for our age group as well or better than someone else? And that level of confidence in our own attractiveness kept us waiting. One doesn't become a model without having been told that we are special. Double ouch.
I see WAY MORE beautiful women than I on a daily basis. They aren't modeling or waiting in long lines for a 2 minute photo session.... But facing attractiveness and understanding what it is without apologizing is a continual struggle for me. There is a market for everything and my currency is mid life beauty. It isn't a curse or a blessing, it's just another part of my character. What it can do though is alter whether or not I feel I am "acting" as a character in my own life or fulfilling my life based upon good character.
What should have taken 30 minutes instead took 5 hours plus and the bulk of that was spent standing in a line outside being exposed to sun and humidity. As I became close acquaintances with 4 models around me, I'm left to wonder at our own tenacity. Somehow, we rationalized our situation and refused to give up on the process. Is that simply another human characteristic or an American quirk?
Our discussions ranged from the need of employment for the younger set to the possibilities for two of us in the older set. Disney wanted to cast a variety of individuals for all ages of "family" with an emphasis on cute kids and attractive older people. Apparently, the older models were driven away by the wait and the conditions with the exception of the beautiful 73 year old who was part of our "line crew."
We were duly impressed with how congenial the participants were...showing off their Disneyesque personalities even under miserable conditions. Arguments did not flair up, line hopping wasn't an issue, even the children who had every right to be upset were behaving or simply taken home once the parents realized that the wait was going to take HOURS!!
Did all of us have such a strong belief in our own attractiveness? I think in large part...we did! Ouch. My new friends and I discussed this and agreed it's an industry based in narcissism. Why can't we represent for our age group as well or better than someone else? And that level of confidence in our own attractiveness kept us waiting. One doesn't become a model without having been told that we are special. Double ouch.
I see WAY MORE beautiful women than I on a daily basis. They aren't modeling or waiting in long lines for a 2 minute photo session.... But facing attractiveness and understanding what it is without apologizing is a continual struggle for me. There is a market for everything and my currency is mid life beauty. It isn't a curse or a blessing, it's just another part of my character. What it can do though is alter whether or not I feel I am "acting" as a character in my own life or fulfilling my life based upon good character.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
If
My second year of freedom from marriage is apt to be FILLED with life. As I stated to a friend, I have a lot of pent up living to do.
Slowly, v-e-r-y slowly, I am coming to believe that it is not self indulgent to have a life of my own. Have I simply imposed slavery upon myself for the last quarter century? Perhaps it was unconscious, but the answer is still YES; I chose to live my life with someone else in charge of it.
The hiking trip to Scotland convinced me to forgive myself. Maybe the pain I endured for those five days was the penance I was seeking to give. Regardless, all of the time spent doing nothing but putting one foot in front of the other was enough therapy to put me over the edge of grace. I have forgiven young Lisa. I have embraced the vulnerable and imperfect woman that I've become. Imperfect grace: wabi-sabi
If I continue with my self reflection and deep commitment to living a life based upon personal joy, then I'm sure that my musings of "if" will end.
I have never been an admirer of the ME Generation, yet here I am being concerned first and foremost with myself. It may take me another 25 years to figure out if I like living life for myself. :-)
Friday, July 5, 2013
Drivel
Reading my last post of self-pitying drivel is humbling.
Oh great strong lady, where were you?? :-)
Fortunately, I was being strong enough to be vulnerable. Ugh. Weakness has felt shameful to me for a long time and I'm facing it squarely now. Is it the American culture of shaming that influences me, my upbringing, my unique psyche, or the fact that I'm a pseudo perfectionist woman who hates to let her guard down? All of the above, no doubt. Ugh.
First step accomplished...admit/submit to the feeling of weakness. YES. FINE. I get lonely. Ugh.
Second step...take steps to alleviate the problem. YES. FINE. I have opened my life to online dating.
Third step...invest in my own evolution. YES. PERFECT. I'm at my happiest trying to fix a problem.
Facing the mirror and accepting that I must show my weaknesses in order to overcome them may be my greatest lifetime test. Exploring vulnerable Lisa was NOT on my bucket list, my "to do" list, or my wish list. It is on my "must" list.
Embarrassment, humiliation, shame, admission and all for the sin of weakness. It's too much angst for a normal emotion and I'm finally understanding the part I play...I can ease up on the tough lady act and be the lonely lady. And that's okay. Whew...although that little tomboy with a competitive streak in me wants to...NOOOOO!! ;-) :-))))))))))))))
Oh great strong lady, where were you?? :-)
Fortunately, I was being strong enough to be vulnerable. Ugh. Weakness has felt shameful to me for a long time and I'm facing it squarely now. Is it the American culture of shaming that influences me, my upbringing, my unique psyche, or the fact that I'm a pseudo perfectionist woman who hates to let her guard down? All of the above, no doubt. Ugh.
First step accomplished...admit/submit to the feeling of weakness. YES. FINE. I get lonely. Ugh.
Second step...take steps to alleviate the problem. YES. FINE. I have opened my life to online dating.
Third step...invest in my own evolution. YES. PERFECT. I'm at my happiest trying to fix a problem.
Facing the mirror and accepting that I must show my weaknesses in order to overcome them may be my greatest lifetime test. Exploring vulnerable Lisa was NOT on my bucket list, my "to do" list, or my wish list. It is on my "must" list.
Embarrassment, humiliation, shame, admission and all for the sin of weakness. It's too much angst for a normal emotion and I'm finally understanding the part I play...I can ease up on the tough lady act and be the lonely lady. And that's okay. Whew...although that little tomboy with a competitive streak in me wants to...NOOOOO!! ;-) :-))))))))))))))
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Pretend
The weariness of pretending is taking its toll. My resilient nature doesn't let my smile droop often publicly. I know that feedback from others is a direct reflection of oneself and my silent mantra of "fake it til you make it" keeps the questions from being asked.
It's also exhausting. That inner glow of mine sucks away energy from my daily brain battles. Damned neurons. All the effort I put into forcing my happy outlook...well, it becomes burdensome. I am doing the work, putting in the hours of self reflection, meditation, intense study of how I might slide off my chosen path of happiness to obscurity...all the work is getting done.
But the lack of someone to help me rest and subsequently help me forgive myself for those imperfections that only I notice....
I miss him (whoever he is) and I so need to just give in to the exhaustion, let someone else hold the weight, let someone else lead for a while.
Until that lightning strikes, pretending gets me through this phase of utter loneliness. Rather than scorn the art of pretense, I hail it as my saving grace. For now, my brain allows itself to be tricked and I live on with great resilience. Utter deep sigh.
Monday, July 1, 2013
A Little Lie
Accepting my child's apology for lying is simple. Convincing him to forgive himself, right his ship, and believe in his skills to sail forward...damned confusing!
I can barely understand adult men so it's doubly frustrating to understand one growing into manhood. His easy going demeanor, likability, and poised readiness tend to mimic me, BUT his stubbornness at facing his demons and subsequent difficulty in dealing with the consequences mimic his father.
Being a quasi genius must be absolute hell. All teenagers think they are such, therefore, creating that hell and exposing their parents to the collateral damage!
When I encounter grown men with these issues, it is easy to wave goodbye. They're not even hard to spot! Drama is as much a man's game as it is a woman's and these assumptive intellectual saviors can't shut up about their prowess in their chosen fields...or their conquests of the opposite sex.
I believe that a young man can be shifted to another lane before habit takes over and pretentiousness takes root. The frustration is borne of NOT KNOWING if the lessons are sticking before it's too late to make a difference.
Twice today I was approached by men half my age and it wasn't to be a mother figure. Half my age! Were my own son to fall victim to this lazy man's way of securing money and sex...???? Aaarrrgggghhhh...then I would question my parenting abilities. Now I just question my parenting patience!
As for the young men, they have the ego of the elderly men...I don't entertain their ludicrous ideas either but the entertainment value is good! :-)
I can barely understand adult men so it's doubly frustrating to understand one growing into manhood. His easy going demeanor, likability, and poised readiness tend to mimic me, BUT his stubbornness at facing his demons and subsequent difficulty in dealing with the consequences mimic his father.
Being a quasi genius must be absolute hell. All teenagers think they are such, therefore, creating that hell and exposing their parents to the collateral damage!
When I encounter grown men with these issues, it is easy to wave goodbye. They're not even hard to spot! Drama is as much a man's game as it is a woman's and these assumptive intellectual saviors can't shut up about their prowess in their chosen fields...or their conquests of the opposite sex.
I believe that a young man can be shifted to another lane before habit takes over and pretentiousness takes root. The frustration is borne of NOT KNOWING if the lessons are sticking before it's too late to make a difference.
Twice today I was approached by men half my age and it wasn't to be a mother figure. Half my age! Were my own son to fall victim to this lazy man's way of securing money and sex...???? Aaarrrgggghhhh...then I would question my parenting abilities. Now I just question my parenting patience!
As for the young men, they have the ego of the elderly men...I don't entertain their ludicrous ideas either but the entertainment value is good! :-)
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