I don't mind getting down to the wire and taking a few chances. Hell, it's been my life story. The idea of "nothing to lose" is a silly fallacy I believed in when I was younger. Our life's sum total morphs as we edge closer to the top of the mountain. It's a lot tougher to seriously make a big change knowing that other's lives are affected. Who are we to make a change that will shift our loved ones lives forever in addition to our own?
We are the ones that matter...that's who we are. In the end, it's just singularly ourselves that take the chances catapulting our lives into the next level of development. As I was taking my kids back to their father's home, they shared with me that one of their dearest friends had lost his father the day after Christmas. This kid who I cared for like one of my own had lost his Dad. Each of my children had thought the other one had told me...gotta love teenage communication!
It just hit me as I left them that I had jumped so far into the next level of development that if I were to die on my drive back, I would have died content knowing that I had not been afraid of taking a "last chance." The poor man who had passed on had gone through a difficult divorce a couple of years ago with so much acrimony from both sides. Fortunately, his son had lived part time with him as of late so they were given that time...but I'm so happy that I have forcibly taken my time back from a toxic relationship. I sincerely hope that he had found some contentment.
My children still have much to work through. They will learn many adult lessons in the next few years. I'm going to try to instill in them the importance of listening to signals and really direct their lives so that they don't question themselves too much. I may look like the basic middle aged Mom when I'm with them...but even they know a bad ass when they see one. :-)
Yes, I plan on taking chances for at least another 48 years! I plan on following the paths that are well lit but also the ones not yet well worn. I'm just a single soul and the loss of not making myself fulfilled would be a dishonor for those who have not been given a "last chance."
I'm ready for you 2013...kicking, screaming, falling down, and standing my ass up again...and again...and again...and NEVER settling for anything less than butterflies in my chest, bee hives in my belly, and a freaking jump from the mountaintop of fear. 2013
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Blame it on the Alcohol
Halfway through my life and I still ponder the delicacies of alcohol consumption. How is it that individuals find it difficult to admit why they drink alcohol?
As I listen to a friend extol the virtues of getting wasted, I'm reminded of my college dorm room rather than two adults discussing the pros and cons of drinking. Here then is the perfect example of why mid life folks need a refresher course in adulthood. We are apparently on the boomerang cycle of idiocy. It wasn't enough that we passed through it in our late teens and early twenties...no, we get to revisit our stupid selves again in our forties!
I'm going to extrapolate that our current actions as drunks are more dangerous than our past adolescent actions because...and here's the part that I'm finding difficult to communicate to friends...because we have responsibilities! It's NOT okay to lose an evening to unconsciousness because those hours are filled with missteps that can alter our current life path. Drunk driving, dialing, texting, and emailing begin the downward spiral and then it's polished off with dangerous actions.
Is someone willing to stand up and scream, "Hey, I know why everyone wants to drink? It's because life isn't turning out like we expected and we are afraid to face that reality!"
Anyone? No. Twenty five years ago, our drunken selves would rail against the unknown future. Today, too many mid lifers bemoan what the future became. Does drinking solve the reality? No. What is it doing then that it has become so important in our social lives? One strong argument is its ability to embolden us to speak our "true" minds and therefore, release some of the stress built up in our psyches. I do believe this stress valve is helpful and this is probably why the French and Italians are such good drinkers; it's a social action for stress and not a social cry for attention.
Alas, I am finding my American compatriots to be more concerned with their need to let EVERYONE IN THE ROOM know that they are drunk and ready to spill their last secret to every stranger they meet. Really, folks? Really? I don't care how lonesome you are...maybe it's because you scare away all the decent people who don't want to date drunks???!!!! I don't care if you're overweight...maybe you wouldn't get the munchies and gain so much weight if you weren't allowing yourself drunken food freedom. I don't care if no one in your family likes you anymore...who can like whiners that slur their words, cry crocodile tears and besmirch their loved ones. And who, especially, can bear being around selfish men and women who try to one-up each other as they seek romantic conquests.
Why do I sound so judgmental? Because I feel it. And rather than go grab a drink and write about it, I'm just going to write and HOPE that my friends are woman and man enough to push back from the bottle while in large groups. I hope they can control themselves when they drink alone and not scour the internet like drunken predators. My hope is that they enjoy getting buzzed with someone who cares enough about them that they don't allow each other to become sots who waste their brain cells.
New Year's Eve parties bring out some of our worst qualities. Is it truly a celebration of our year's successes and hope for the future, or is it sob fest for our weakest individuals to become codependent upon alcohol? Yes, I feel judgmental but I won't act upon it. At this point in my life, it is far easier to remove myself from a relationship, a room full of idiots, or circumstances that expose me to the draining negative energy of drunken and pathetic adults.
My path is selfish...I choose the quiet interludes with a few select friends who can hold their liquor, their tongues, and their hormones in check. It's good to remember that being an adult who is responsible is also a lot of fun...after all, we get to enter the sober world the next day without the burden of expressing apologies for things we can't remember. I want the second half of my life to be well remembered and NOT wasted...literally.
Finger wagging over. I'll never make it as a FOX anchor...even now, after writing this...I feel bad. I want to see the good and I want others to see the good within themselves. Instead of railing against them, I want to help them. Sadly, my own experience with a loved one shows this doesn't work. It's better to just step away after a while. No matter how much love is given...how many chances are held out in hopes of a change...there are some who will NEVER evolve.
As I listen to a friend extol the virtues of getting wasted, I'm reminded of my college dorm room rather than two adults discussing the pros and cons of drinking. Here then is the perfect example of why mid life folks need a refresher course in adulthood. We are apparently on the boomerang cycle of idiocy. It wasn't enough that we passed through it in our late teens and early twenties...no, we get to revisit our stupid selves again in our forties!
I'm going to extrapolate that our current actions as drunks are more dangerous than our past adolescent actions because...and here's the part that I'm finding difficult to communicate to friends...because we have responsibilities! It's NOT okay to lose an evening to unconsciousness because those hours are filled with missteps that can alter our current life path. Drunk driving, dialing, texting, and emailing begin the downward spiral and then it's polished off with dangerous actions.
Is someone willing to stand up and scream, "Hey, I know why everyone wants to drink? It's because life isn't turning out like we expected and we are afraid to face that reality!"
Anyone? No. Twenty five years ago, our drunken selves would rail against the unknown future. Today, too many mid lifers bemoan what the future became. Does drinking solve the reality? No. What is it doing then that it has become so important in our social lives? One strong argument is its ability to embolden us to speak our "true" minds and therefore, release some of the stress built up in our psyches. I do believe this stress valve is helpful and this is probably why the French and Italians are such good drinkers; it's a social action for stress and not a social cry for attention.
Alas, I am finding my American compatriots to be more concerned with their need to let EVERYONE IN THE ROOM know that they are drunk and ready to spill their last secret to every stranger they meet. Really, folks? Really? I don't care how lonesome you are...maybe it's because you scare away all the decent people who don't want to date drunks???!!!! I don't care if you're overweight...maybe you wouldn't get the munchies and gain so much weight if you weren't allowing yourself drunken food freedom. I don't care if no one in your family likes you anymore...who can like whiners that slur their words, cry crocodile tears and besmirch their loved ones. And who, especially, can bear being around selfish men and women who try to one-up each other as they seek romantic conquests.
Why do I sound so judgmental? Because I feel it. And rather than go grab a drink and write about it, I'm just going to write and HOPE that my friends are woman and man enough to push back from the bottle while in large groups. I hope they can control themselves when they drink alone and not scour the internet like drunken predators. My hope is that they enjoy getting buzzed with someone who cares enough about them that they don't allow each other to become sots who waste their brain cells.
New Year's Eve parties bring out some of our worst qualities. Is it truly a celebration of our year's successes and hope for the future, or is it sob fest for our weakest individuals to become codependent upon alcohol? Yes, I feel judgmental but I won't act upon it. At this point in my life, it is far easier to remove myself from a relationship, a room full of idiots, or circumstances that expose me to the draining negative energy of drunken and pathetic adults.
My path is selfish...I choose the quiet interludes with a few select friends who can hold their liquor, their tongues, and their hormones in check. It's good to remember that being an adult who is responsible is also a lot of fun...after all, we get to enter the sober world the next day without the burden of expressing apologies for things we can't remember. I want the second half of my life to be well remembered and NOT wasted...literally.
Finger wagging over. I'll never make it as a FOX anchor...even now, after writing this...I feel bad. I want to see the good and I want others to see the good within themselves. Instead of railing against them, I want to help them. Sadly, my own experience with a loved one shows this doesn't work. It's better to just step away after a while. No matter how much love is given...how many chances are held out in hopes of a change...there are some who will NEVER evolve.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Resolved
The last weekend of 2012...oh, I'm ready for some resolutions!
One of the things I've learned over the years is how to make sense of my yearly goals. Writing down a detailed goal gives me a blueprint but I now know about revisions. Overcoming my need for a perfected success was a major breakthrough. I accept the messages from LIFE that tell me when I need to veer from the path I've chosen.
Admittedly, altering the final goal is a much tougher sell. I don't mind skipping around those paths but I do like to get to the top of whatever mountain I've chosen!
Fortunately, I have a HUGE mid-year event that will take up my time...I'm one of five National Chairwomen for my sorority's convention. Since it's held once every three years, if I screw this up, I'll have 36 months to hear the catcalls. Meow...there's nothing like 50,000 + sisters telling you they hate the Swag Bag...now why did I volunteer for that one? ha ha Expectations.... :-)
Physical
Mental
Emotional
I will have my goals set soon for each of these in the year 2013 and judging by my track record, I expect quite a journey to reach them. yeehaw
One of the things I've learned over the years is how to make sense of my yearly goals. Writing down a detailed goal gives me a blueprint but I now know about revisions. Overcoming my need for a perfected success was a major breakthrough. I accept the messages from LIFE that tell me when I need to veer from the path I've chosen.
Admittedly, altering the final goal is a much tougher sell. I don't mind skipping around those paths but I do like to get to the top of whatever mountain I've chosen!
Fortunately, I have a HUGE mid-year event that will take up my time...I'm one of five National Chairwomen for my sorority's convention. Since it's held once every three years, if I screw this up, I'll have 36 months to hear the catcalls. Meow...there's nothing like 50,000 + sisters telling you they hate the Swag Bag...now why did I volunteer for that one? ha ha Expectations.... :-)
Physical
Mental
Emotional
I will have my goals set soon for each of these in the year 2013 and judging by my track record, I expect quite a journey to reach them. yeehaw
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Wide Awake
I admit it. Although I was COMPLETELY prepared to the spend the day alone...having someone stop by made it feel like the special day it was meant to be.
And another admission...that part of me that had set in to be frozen is thawing. Loss can do that to a person. No matter our resolution to protect the softest parts of our psyche and hearts, our human nature begins to reject our stubborn selves and we find that "lightness of being" which hasn't disappeared after all.
“Men’s natures are alike; it is their habits that separate
them.”
And another admission...that part of me that had set in to be frozen is thawing. Loss can do that to a person. No matter our resolution to protect the softest parts of our psyche and hearts, our human nature begins to reject our stubborn selves and we find that "lightness of being" which hasn't disappeared after all.
“Men’s natures are alike; it is their habits that separate
them.”
-Confucious
I have rediscovered a pride in myself this year and much of that centers on healthy habits. That health hasn't just been for my body...mentally and emotionally, I'm starting to feel the payoff of six years of HARD work. Habits kick in unconsciously...what a relief to be able to live and not waste my precious gray matter on thinking of each move!
So I'm just going to ride out these feelings...I'm going to count on my subconscious to lead me wherever it thinks my heart should go. I'm going to trust my gut instinct and not bother with self analysis. This blog will be as much as I do in that department.
When I jump without a net on this, I may just slam into the asphalt with the potential for permanent scars. This time though, I'm wide awake. I know how to get back up, brush myself off, and set forth on a new path...except this path seems so right...it gives me secret smiles. :-)
Wide Awake Video
Wide Awake Video
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Smiley Me
Maybe I'm repressing something? I know I'm expected to fret today, cry about days gone by, miss the family unit...but, I don't feel any of that. I feel as free and light as a feather or a leaf flying in the wind.
This blog isn't called "a feathery leaf" for nothing, folks. These symbols have appeared in my jewelry, clothing, housewares, etc. throughout my life. :-)
My beautiful children returned to their father's home this Christmas morning. Our own celebration was as special as I hoped it would be...funny presents...silly food...ridiculous television! They were hesitant about leaving me but I waved them on their way. My job has been to help them spread their wings and I know how hard it will be for them the rest of this day. For their first Christmas without an intact family, their father decided to invite his girlfriend and her daughter to share Christmas dinner. I have known for so long that his needs have to come first...I ache for my two children as they come to accept this too. I can't answer the "why" to their questions as I truly don't know so I simply defer those answers to him. If he learns too late which relationships need the most attention...well, it is no longer my worry and I am FREE to fly. Whether or not they end up flying away from him is thoroughly up to the three of them.
And so, as this day is spent alone...well, with a cat...maybe a movie..some junk food, television, and internet...I can say honestly that it's one of my best Christmases ever! The year has been book ended in the most amazing way. At the beginning of 2012, I was haunted by the storm I was facing. At the end, I am emboldened by my possibilities and by the knowledge that I have a core of steel. I can be bent but I can be hammered back into shape...even if I have to hold the hammer myself! hee hee hee
Cheers to Christmas. Cheers to my strong and resilient children. Cheers to me.
This blog isn't called "a feathery leaf" for nothing, folks. These symbols have appeared in my jewelry, clothing, housewares, etc. throughout my life. :-)
My beautiful children returned to their father's home this Christmas morning. Our own celebration was as special as I hoped it would be...funny presents...silly food...ridiculous television! They were hesitant about leaving me but I waved them on their way. My job has been to help them spread their wings and I know how hard it will be for them the rest of this day. For their first Christmas without an intact family, their father decided to invite his girlfriend and her daughter to share Christmas dinner. I have known for so long that his needs have to come first...I ache for my two children as they come to accept this too. I can't answer the "why" to their questions as I truly don't know so I simply defer those answers to him. If he learns too late which relationships need the most attention...well, it is no longer my worry and I am FREE to fly. Whether or not they end up flying away from him is thoroughly up to the three of them.
And so, as this day is spent alone...well, with a cat...maybe a movie..some junk food, television, and internet...I can say honestly that it's one of my best Christmases ever! The year has been book ended in the most amazing way. At the beginning of 2012, I was haunted by the storm I was facing. At the end, I am emboldened by my possibilities and by the knowledge that I have a core of steel. I can be bent but I can be hammered back into shape...even if I have to hold the hammer myself! hee hee hee
Cheers to Christmas. Cheers to my strong and resilient children. Cheers to me.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Pondering....
"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." -Bob Marley
Thanks, Bob.
Thanks, Bob.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
A Year Ago...
Wow...just found this...had written it out a year ago. Ever forward.
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Make the most of yourself...for that is all there is of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Courage doesn't always roar; sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow." M. A. Rammacher
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on. Bob Newhart
When I let go of what I am, I become what I may be. Lao Tzu
Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow. Helen Keller
Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul. Emily Dickinson
A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship. - Rainer Maria Rilke
The one who loves the least, controls the relationship. - Robert Anthony
Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood. - Helen Keller
It is far better to be alone, than to be in bad company. - George Washington
God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls can flirt. - Anonymous
Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it. - Swedish Proverb
Being silent isn't being strong, it's being a victim. - Jane Powell
There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth - not going all the way and not starting. - The Buddha
The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. - Joseph Campbell
Patterns
“Controlling people control others to feel secure.” Does your own self-doubt find comfort with an insecure and possessive mate?
My newest friend and I had a great discussion about this topic today. Both of us are wary of falling into an old pattern with a potential date mate that resembles the relationship we left behind. We could blame our nurturing natures, our rather low key approach to time demands, and a myriad of other reasons...but in the end, women are prone to be peace keepers. As society has changed, so too has this expectation.
We have entered the era of the "grey divorce" and the baby boomers are going BOOM...we are done with this! If only that were true.... What I've learned about myself and others is that old habits can be hard to break. As we seek out our new partners, we end up fighting the same old attractions. It's taken therapy and self-reflection to help me recognize these tendencies and I've successfully made the pivot and turned away from some controlling individuals.
It's HARD to feel secure as a middle aged, divorced woman! Even my own mother reminded me before I signed the divorce papers..."you're not a spring chicken anymore; you might not ever have another man." Okay, that's a clear generational divide! Her era has/had a different need for men...yep, it still makes me chuckle...but, in a way, she touched on a truth. I may NOT be able to cross a certain divide...self doubt about myself?? Arrrggggghhhh! I suppose it's the mystery of whether a broken and scarred heart can heal enough to feel love....
Another generational divide? Not really as this is a question as old as mankind. Does healing of the heart take place before it beats again or does it actually take someone new to get it going again? Hmmm, chicken or egg? The good thing about my era...I can google it! :-)
My newest friend and I had a great discussion about this topic today. Both of us are wary of falling into an old pattern with a potential date mate that resembles the relationship we left behind. We could blame our nurturing natures, our rather low key approach to time demands, and a myriad of other reasons...but in the end, women are prone to be peace keepers. As society has changed, so too has this expectation.
We have entered the era of the "grey divorce" and the baby boomers are going BOOM...we are done with this! If only that were true.... What I've learned about myself and others is that old habits can be hard to break. As we seek out our new partners, we end up fighting the same old attractions. It's taken therapy and self-reflection to help me recognize these tendencies and I've successfully made the pivot and turned away from some controlling individuals.
It's HARD to feel secure as a middle aged, divorced woman! Even my own mother reminded me before I signed the divorce papers..."you're not a spring chicken anymore; you might not ever have another man." Okay, that's a clear generational divide! Her era has/had a different need for men...yep, it still makes me chuckle...but, in a way, she touched on a truth. I may NOT be able to cross a certain divide...self doubt about myself?? Arrrggggghhhh! I suppose it's the mystery of whether a broken and scarred heart can heal enough to feel love....
Another generational divide? Not really as this is a question as old as mankind. Does healing of the heart take place before it beats again or does it actually take someone new to get it going again? Hmmm, chicken or egg? The good thing about my era...I can google it! :-)
When you know....
When you know, you know.
As answers hit us, their clarity is sometimes so pure, we don't let ourselves see them. Instead, we allow cloudy thoughts to hide what we know is truth.
Developing the ability to accept our gut feelings can take a lifetime. During that time, we are assailed with doubt and unanswerable questions. Our instinct is to see the problems instead of the truth and we are drawn into this idea:
"If it's too good to be true, then it's not...."
I've spent an entire year learning hard lessons, seeking truth, and accepting myself with all the flaws and attributes. Before I set forth exploring my goals for 2013, I've already accepted one simple truth without doubt and recriminations.
"Following an unknown outcome from my gut instinct is FAR MORE valuable than following my doubts."
When I know...I know. Gives me the shivers to think about it and in a GOOD way. :-)
As answers hit us, their clarity is sometimes so pure, we don't let ourselves see them. Instead, we allow cloudy thoughts to hide what we know is truth.
Developing the ability to accept our gut feelings can take a lifetime. During that time, we are assailed with doubt and unanswerable questions. Our instinct is to see the problems instead of the truth and we are drawn into this idea:
"If it's too good to be true, then it's not...."
I've spent an entire year learning hard lessons, seeking truth, and accepting myself with all the flaws and attributes. Before I set forth exploring my goals for 2013, I've already accepted one simple truth without doubt and recriminations.
"Following an unknown outcome from my gut instinct is FAR MORE valuable than following my doubts."
When I know...I know. Gives me the shivers to think about it and in a GOOD way. :-)
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
No Way
Several hours of rest and I receive a reboot of thought. No way am I going to submit to fragility! No way! Even when my crystal goblet has been shattered, I picked up the pieces and clumsily glued them back together. I will admit that it was painful to heal that way...but it's the ONLY way. I am not going to be fragile!
To give credence to my dearest friend and also my counselor, I will allow myself to become vulnerable at times. I will allow others in more often and I will allow myself those weak moments when I need to release some steam...some pain. But fragility? Naaaah.
"You can't know where you're going unless you know where you've been." That credo has been with me since childhood when I spent countless hours at the family cemetery. Yes, I was the nerd who documented the family headstones, wrote the childish stories of what I thought my ancestors had been like, and set myself forward to honor them for the rest of my life. What I have learned is that I am from hardy stock...NOT fragile stock! The women in my family have always stood up, taken the broken pieces and refused to let weakness rule our lives.
My body may be fragile at times; my heart and psyche may feel on the verge of shattering during weak moments...but the core of me is strong. Countries, communities, families, relationships are built on these foundations and I'm here and willing to keep being strong. Not fragile. Sorry, folks, that tomboy force is strong within me! :-)
To give credence to my dearest friend and also my counselor, I will allow myself to become vulnerable at times. I will allow others in more often and I will allow myself those weak moments when I need to release some steam...some pain. But fragility? Naaaah.
"You can't know where you're going unless you know where you've been." That credo has been with me since childhood when I spent countless hours at the family cemetery. Yes, I was the nerd who documented the family headstones, wrote the childish stories of what I thought my ancestors had been like, and set myself forward to honor them for the rest of my life. What I have learned is that I am from hardy stock...NOT fragile stock! The women in my family have always stood up, taken the broken pieces and refused to let weakness rule our lives.
My body may be fragile at times; my heart and psyche may feel on the verge of shattering during weak moments...but the core of me is strong. Countries, communities, families, relationships are built on these foundations and I'm here and willing to keep being strong. Not fragile. Sorry, folks, that tomboy force is strong within me! :-)
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Fragility
As a little girl, the word "little" didn't fit me. Once I started growing, I was as big and bigger than my rough and tumble brothers. Although I fit in more with the boys because of my size and strength, I was the ultimate girl during private time. I loved the trappings of femininity but life as a tomboy didn't allow me to express that until much later.
So it was with surprise that fragility happened upon me as an adult. In college, I lost a third of my body mass and became a wisp. My warped idea at the time was that it took strength to resist food and it took strength to walk endless miles daily. How silly the youth and how weak the body and psyche....
When life began in earnest and the security of Kentucky was left behind, strength transformed itself into endurance. Grinding my way through life away from all familiarity and kinship required a strength that I didn't know existed within me. Fragile? Not part of my belief system....
And yet, here I am being reminded by people who care for me that I am fragile. A crystal goblet is fragile. Aren't I just a plastic tumbler? :-) But humor doesn't work so much anymore. After two years of being jacked up on some self imposed confidence, maybe it's time to recognize that I can stand down now.
The boogie man has been exorcised. The MS monster has been denied success. The kids are settling in nicely on the runway of life.... Maybe I have some time to soften up?
"Are you just being brave, Lisa?" my counselor asked me today. Well, yes, because what other option is there? The funny thing about fragility is that it takes a brave person to be weak as well as strong, vulnerable as well as resolute.
The shell I've built is so multi-layered and thick that it may be the greatest feat I can accomplish in 2013...the ability to drop the shell and expose myself to fragility. TBD
So it was with surprise that fragility happened upon me as an adult. In college, I lost a third of my body mass and became a wisp. My warped idea at the time was that it took strength to resist food and it took strength to walk endless miles daily. How silly the youth and how weak the body and psyche....
When life began in earnest and the security of Kentucky was left behind, strength transformed itself into endurance. Grinding my way through life away from all familiarity and kinship required a strength that I didn't know existed within me. Fragile? Not part of my belief system....
And yet, here I am being reminded by people who care for me that I am fragile. A crystal goblet is fragile. Aren't I just a plastic tumbler? :-) But humor doesn't work so much anymore. After two years of being jacked up on some self imposed confidence, maybe it's time to recognize that I can stand down now.
The boogie man has been exorcised. The MS monster has been denied success. The kids are settling in nicely on the runway of life.... Maybe I have some time to soften up?
"Are you just being brave, Lisa?" my counselor asked me today. Well, yes, because what other option is there? The funny thing about fragility is that it takes a brave person to be weak as well as strong, vulnerable as well as resolute.
The shell I've built is so multi-layered and thick that it may be the greatest feat I can accomplish in 2013...the ability to drop the shell and expose myself to fragility. TBD
Monday, December 17, 2012
Dear MS
Dear MS,
You make me angry and sad and all the things that cause people to hide away in utter fear! Except I'm not going to hide. I'm going to have my little "blow up" at you and then I'm going to keep doing the right things to stay on track.
I hate what I've lost when it comes to peace of mind. I hate the fog that settles on my future when you rear your mean, ugly MS head. I hate the self-doubt and the recriminations that assault me when I question if there is something else I could be doing.
But the hate of you, my monster named MS, isn't going to consume me. Hate in itself is a monster. Instead, I will just keep going...step after step after step. And if I have to deal with your naughtiness again on Wednesday, I will. Stomp after stomp after stomp...
Dear MS, figure it out...I'm not going to hide in fear. I'm going to write about you and talk about you and make you part of a public discussion. Fear is being quiet. ROAR
You make me angry and sad and all the things that cause people to hide away in utter fear! Except I'm not going to hide. I'm going to have my little "blow up" at you and then I'm going to keep doing the right things to stay on track.
I hate what I've lost when it comes to peace of mind. I hate the fog that settles on my future when you rear your mean, ugly MS head. I hate the self-doubt and the recriminations that assault me when I question if there is something else I could be doing.
But the hate of you, my monster named MS, isn't going to consume me. Hate in itself is a monster. Instead, I will just keep going...step after step after step. And if I have to deal with your naughtiness again on Wednesday, I will. Stomp after stomp after stomp...
Dear MS, figure it out...I'm not going to hide in fear. I'm going to write about you and talk about you and make you part of a public discussion. Fear is being quiet. ROAR
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Moments
Have I lost you?
The thought that a single meeting would affect another person in such a manner that they feel "loss" from never seeing me again is a bit too close to the fire. What in their past has caused them to fall so far into this kind of illusion? And how did I contribute to it for just one evening?
Freedom and fear are bedfellows. Having fought SO HARD for my freedom, I have to face the flip side of that happiness. Being naive about dating can get me into serious trouble. Today I asserted that I did not want to be good at serial dating. But I suppose that if I were...then, I wouldn't expose myself to men who are too susceptible to the simple acts of being treated well. I would recognize their vulnerability and steer clear of it.
The answer to the question, then....
You never had me. You are a stranger. All I gave you was the kindness and tenderness that one should expect from a date. Actually, I want to treat each person I meet with kindness and respect. Tenderness is reserved for the moment when one decides...do I feel a romantic connection? Is the chemistry between us worth a second look? And no, it was not worth a second look for me.
Why can't that answer be enough?
If I have to engage in opening myself to countless strangers to gauge a romantic interest...my freedom will be for naught. I will feel trapped again because my nature is NOT to be open to so many. sigh
Have you lost me? With another attitude and another man, the question will be...have you found me? Good thing I have a positive attitude....
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Time of Year
Christmas is absolutely a fun time. Yes, I know it will be hard to face some of those rituals alone but I HOPE that it is also a time to build new rituals.
My daughter just informed me that she's NOT interested in having the four of us spend any time together at the holidays. With guilt, I'm relieved. I don't want to hang out with her Dad and I definitely don't want the stress of remembering old times...good and bad.
I think December just brings me to a realization that I survived the year. Next year, it will be a realization that I ENJOYED the year...no survival necessary. The storm of 2012 is passing and I am incredibly grateful for everything that I learned from it...I'm grateful that I have a few more weeks of it left to appreciate that I made important "forward" moves.
I don't expect happiness to be right around the corner...it's already here! I have it. I live it. I cycle through the dark moments and come out to the bright side. Christmas and its twinkling lights remind me that hope isn't just a fleeting moment...it's a living, breathing entity that carries me through to the next year.
2013...here I come!
My daughter just informed me that she's NOT interested in having the four of us spend any time together at the holidays. With guilt, I'm relieved. I don't want to hang out with her Dad and I definitely don't want the stress of remembering old times...good and bad.
I think December just brings me to a realization that I survived the year. Next year, it will be a realization that I ENJOYED the year...no survival necessary. The storm of 2012 is passing and I am incredibly grateful for everything that I learned from it...I'm grateful that I have a few more weeks of it left to appreciate that I made important "forward" moves.
I don't expect happiness to be right around the corner...it's already here! I have it. I live it. I cycle through the dark moments and come out to the bright side. Christmas and its twinkling lights remind me that hope isn't just a fleeting moment...it's a living, breathing entity that carries me through to the next year.
2013...here I come!
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Mr. Dreamy for Miss Polite
Here goes nothing...or maybe, it's the "something" that will make a real difference in my future romantic partner. In the spirit of which I was asked, I will think about aspects of a man that I haven't consciously thought about in a couple of decades. Men just didn't show up on my radar until the divorce was imminent.
Appearance
Yes, I'm one of those tall, dark, and handsome ninnies! I love the fur, the big schnoze, the swarthy features and throw in a great body and I'm smitten. But, that isn't my reality. I've typically dated the all-American good looking fellow...not extreme in any fashion but nice to look at and comfortable to snuggle. A man doesn't have to be physically gorgeous for me to want him...he just has to love his appearance and be confident...that makes a woman purr.
Personality
Laughter is contagious and I love to laugh. If a gentleman wants to entertain me, he can take me for a walk and give me a running commentary on the hilarity of life. When the occasion demands solemnity, it would be a blessing to share deeper insights with someone who can appreciate the fragility of happiness and who is mature enough to embrace the need for personal growth.
I want to find someone who has control of his temper or is working on overcoming that weakness. Since I boil a little hot, one of us needs to keep a cool head! And I definitely do NOT want to date a man who "knows" everything about everything. It's exhausting to argue point after point and I can easily slip into the peace-maker mode and let the anger build up. Hopefully, I will meet someone who doesn't care how many times he's right...instead, he will gently steer me to his side. Ohhhhhh, I want a diplomat! :-)
Ambition/Career
I hear it a lot..."My career is not the most important thing..." Actually, it's been scientifically proven that for the majority of men, his work does come first. I think ambitious men find it hard to turn that off so I accept that it makes up a major component of their lives. The tricky part...if they can turn it off when they get home or when they're on a date.
I believe that a successful career can create a happy man because being a "provider" is part of their DNA. But I will never settle again for a man who lets it take over his life, thereby ruining his closest relationships.
Priorities
I don't need dating so that I have a man to "take me places," but I do want to be with someone as I enjoy life's treasures. I've had the relationship that gave me "stuff," whether I wanted it or not, and I know that things don't bring happiness. Time and effort are the greatest gifts
My top priority for a man then is his attention. Fortunately for him, it doesn't mean I have to be in his constant physical presence. It just means that he has to "touch base" with me regularly. I ended up hyper sensitive to being ignored and some kind of daily contact will make me melt. Let's hope he can see well enough to text! ha ha Emoticons will be my man's friend...smiley faces for smiley me!
Another top priority, I expect to be introduced to his circle of family and friends and I expect him to want to meet mine. I will not drift into his personal time but I hope our lives merge more than they diverge...otherwise, why even date? I like company and if he doesn't...is there even a purpose to being with someone? Not for me.
Appearance
Yes, I'm one of those tall, dark, and handsome ninnies! I love the fur, the big schnoze, the swarthy features and throw in a great body and I'm smitten. But, that isn't my reality. I've typically dated the all-American good looking fellow...not extreme in any fashion but nice to look at and comfortable to snuggle. A man doesn't have to be physically gorgeous for me to want him...he just has to love his appearance and be confident...that makes a woman purr.
Personality
Laughter is contagious and I love to laugh. If a gentleman wants to entertain me, he can take me for a walk and give me a running commentary on the hilarity of life. When the occasion demands solemnity, it would be a blessing to share deeper insights with someone who can appreciate the fragility of happiness and who is mature enough to embrace the need for personal growth.
I want to find someone who has control of his temper or is working on overcoming that weakness. Since I boil a little hot, one of us needs to keep a cool head! And I definitely do NOT want to date a man who "knows" everything about everything. It's exhausting to argue point after point and I can easily slip into the peace-maker mode and let the anger build up. Hopefully, I will meet someone who doesn't care how many times he's right...instead, he will gently steer me to his side. Ohhhhhh, I want a diplomat! :-)
Ambition/Career
I hear it a lot..."My career is not the most important thing..." Actually, it's been scientifically proven that for the majority of men, his work does come first. I think ambitious men find it hard to turn that off so I accept that it makes up a major component of their lives. The tricky part...if they can turn it off when they get home or when they're on a date.
I believe that a successful career can create a happy man because being a "provider" is part of their DNA. But I will never settle again for a man who lets it take over his life, thereby ruining his closest relationships.
Priorities
I don't need dating so that I have a man to "take me places," but I do want to be with someone as I enjoy life's treasures. I've had the relationship that gave me "stuff," whether I wanted it or not, and I know that things don't bring happiness. Time and effort are the greatest gifts
My top priority for a man then is his attention. Fortunately for him, it doesn't mean I have to be in his constant physical presence. It just means that he has to "touch base" with me regularly. I ended up hyper sensitive to being ignored and some kind of daily contact will make me melt. Let's hope he can see well enough to text! ha ha Emoticons will be my man's friend...smiley faces for smiley me!
Another top priority, I expect to be introduced to his circle of family and friends and I expect him to want to meet mine. I will not drift into his personal time but I hope our lives merge more than they diverge...otherwise, why even date? I like company and if he doesn't...is there even a purpose to being with someone? Not for me.
Miss Polite
Online dating is weird!
I'm being open. I'm being Miss Polite. I'm being bombarded. It's been six months since I was a member of Match.com and after 3 days of reactivation...I've watched my "in" box fill up with countless queries. In fact, the little "ding" of "you've got mail" is pinging as I type.
Just for ego's sake, I kept the counter running...almost 3,000 hits. What that means of course is what all women know. Looks matter to men no matter what they argue. They're visual creatures and can't be faulted for that...I like to look good for them! ha ha Does that make me a sell-out to feminism? I suppose it depends on the generation of feminist. Some women really do want to be cherished for nothing but their brain and I respect that. It's just not something I believe in. My experience has shown that the brain and the body can make for a tremendous relationship! ;-)
Couples are a chemical soup. If our flavors complement each other, it's important to add a little salt and stir, boil, cover and simmer for a while.
My previous online dating foray introduced me to men of all ages...in one week, I dated a 33 year old and a 60 year old. When is that ever going to be an option again in my life? ha ha I've met professionals and highly skilled tradesmen, the handsome and the quirky, and mostly, I've met hopeful gentlemen.
Here's the tough part...I dash the hopes of 95% of these fellows. The good part...I'm positive whether through online dating or local venues, I will meet the guy who shares my hopes. Miss Yogi the Counselor wants me to make a wish list for the type of gentleman I hope to pair with...someone like me, I hope. And what is that?
I'm being open. I'm being Miss Polite. I'm being bombarded. It's been six months since I was a member of Match.com and after 3 days of reactivation...I've watched my "in" box fill up with countless queries. In fact, the little "ding" of "you've got mail" is pinging as I type.
Just for ego's sake, I kept the counter running...almost 3,000 hits. What that means of course is what all women know. Looks matter to men no matter what they argue. They're visual creatures and can't be faulted for that...I like to look good for them! ha ha Does that make me a sell-out to feminism? I suppose it depends on the generation of feminist. Some women really do want to be cherished for nothing but their brain and I respect that. It's just not something I believe in. My experience has shown that the brain and the body can make for a tremendous relationship! ;-)
Couples are a chemical soup. If our flavors complement each other, it's important to add a little salt and stir, boil, cover and simmer for a while.
My previous online dating foray introduced me to men of all ages...in one week, I dated a 33 year old and a 60 year old. When is that ever going to be an option again in my life? ha ha I've met professionals and highly skilled tradesmen, the handsome and the quirky, and mostly, I've met hopeful gentlemen.
Here's the tough part...I dash the hopes of 95% of these fellows. The good part...I'm positive whether through online dating or local venues, I will meet the guy who shares my hopes. Miss Yogi the Counselor wants me to make a wish list for the type of gentleman I hope to pair with...someone like me, I hope. And what is that?
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